Katie,

This is going on a year of feeling cruddy now? And from “just a crush” to a weird threesome/living in mistress? And he belittles you? I admire your heart, but this relationship doesn’t seem to be working out well for you. Ya know?

Perhaps set him free, set yourself free, move on. You deserve to be the main event, not a third wheel wife. Said differently, I don’t think your mind is sabotaging the relationship, rather, perhaps your mind is trying to help you see your “love bank” has been empty for awhile, not getting the tender attentions it needs to feel safe, content.

With warmth,
Matt

Yandi,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story of surrender. One of my teachers called this the soft heart of compassion, and is a great foundation for walking a loving path. Enlightened, though? Don’t get too hasty, chances are pretty good you have some laundry to do. Also, the concentration is still present, you perhaps stopped reaching and focused your attention on opening instead. A teacher would perhaps have advised the same, mine did. 🙂 Namaste (*bowing*)

With warmth,
Matt

krdvimm,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand how confounding life can be sometimes. Here is a man that you sympathize with, is obviously troubled, but treats you poorly, aggressively invasive. So on one hand, perhaps you wish to kick his butt out, but on the other, perhaps somehow get trapped in confusion, unsure of what’s the right thing to do. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The anger you have for the situation is normal, and nothing to do with your tender heart. Said differently, even loving beings get pissed off when boundaries are crossed, and that’s OK. No need for feelings of guilt because its too much to handle. One of my teachers used to say “there are some folks that would piss off a Buddha.” Consider letting some of that emotional fire out safely, such as screaming into a pillow, flailing your arms around, punching something (preferably not someone) and so forth.

That being said, consider that with your husband’s friend, there are really two possibilities. One, he’s a bodhisattva, and pushing all your buttons so you wake up and stand up to his bullying, stop being rolled over so easily. Or two, he’s a stuck and cranky kid, blaming others for the garbage that goes wrong for him, bullying, and you’ll have to wake up and stand up to his bullying. At any shade in between (giving any benefit, because who knows) the solution is perhaps the same.

To do this, it is perhaps easiest to open up the back door and let his garbage pass right through. All his pokes and prods, pressure and bullying, trying to convince you that you’re the issue… all bunched together like a big cord of slime he’s been throwing at you. Then, “uh, no thanks, don’t want it anymore, let it be gone”, perhaps even envisioning big white scissors of white light sliding right through that crap. You don’t have to cut the white ones, such as wanting him to find his stride, heal his wounds, find happiness… just the ones that claim you have to help him do it. You don’t. Let him find a teacher he can’t bully, let him find the help he needs from someone better prepared to handle him. But still, it’d be great if he did find that guide, was able to clean up his act and grow up. Just not on your dime, ya know?

Then, after you shake him off, consider turning toward self nurturing. Take some time to unwind, be alone, quiet, with the mystery set down. Maybe let your brother babysit, and get in your car and go do something, just for you, just because you want to do it. Even more fun, don’t tell anyone what you’re going to do, or what you did. Let it be your secret, a smile no one else gets to share. Or, hop in the tub with candles, put on some soft music, or other self caring activities that help you just let go and breathe for awhile. Get some softness around you, warmth, help remind yourself that life is beautiful, or can be when we take the time. 🙂

Finally, consider reading “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody. There are a lot of signs of caretaking, both from you and your husband (or your boot would have met his friends butt long ago). Boundaries can sometimes be poorly understood, what is helping and what is enabling, and many other factors that could be making your situation much more confounding. Mellody’s wisdom is very plainly written with step by step instructions, and even has an available workbook called “Breaking Free” that you can use alongside the book (if you’re so inclined 🙂 ). It may help you figure out how to stop his hooks from grabbing you, why limits are healthy, how to stand up for yourself, how to recognize, validate, and express your needs, and so on. His BS won’t stand up to her PhD, and will certainly make his “no, you just don’t get it” laughable. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Oskari,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the sense of desperate hopelessness. Its as if the world doesn’t fit, or we don’t fit in it. We’ve tried countless paths, but nothing seems to bring about a sense of inner balance, of rested peacefulness. Don’t despair, dear brother, this is normal and usual, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with you. What you’re experiencing is fear of the unknown, mixed with poor self nurturing habits. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

You sound pretty harsh on yourself, friend. Like a master with a whip, sometimes we stand behind ourselves and try to push and push. “Keep going”, “Stop being lazy”, “dammit, what’s wrong here?”, “Learn faster”, “climb higher”. On and on the voice pushes, demands, criticizes.

Buddha taught that we all have a drive inside us to find happiness, but a fundamental ignorance on how to find it. This leaves us with faulty maps, a dissonance between how we try to find happiness and what actually brings us happiness.

It seems to me that your stressed feelings are coming from your body, which is bitching you’re not being kind enough to it. Not taking time to relax, unwind, let go and rest. Setting down the quest, putting away the swords, closing the attention on the mystery. Said differently, the kid in you has forgotten how to play. Dummy! No wonder the world is glum looking. 🙂

No wonder you feel envy, people having fun around you, while you’re stuck in some emotional mud. Then, here comes the whip “no envy, what’s wrong with you?”. Yeah, where’s the fun in that? No wonder the kid’s grumpy. Consider instead “oh, that looks nice, I’d like to have my version of that too, please.” The brightness of it makes sense, but just because its not yours doesn’t mean you have to resent theirs. Right? But still, it’d be nice to get out of the mud.

This is where better self care habits come in. When we take time to be kind to ourselves, nurture our happiness, we feel better. Our body experiences stress as we learn and quest and solve and wonder. Expending energy. As we self nurture, that energy is recharged, helping us meet our day to day dance with grace and simplicity. Yes, the mysteries of career and how to help the world and finding love and so forth remain, but with a sense of curious adventure, like hiking up a mountain, rather than slashing through a thorny mess.

But to learn to dance, we have to learn to accept the uncomfortable aspects of our song, and rest with them. Just accepting the unknown, and opening to what’s here. Perhaps hop in a tub with candles, go to a museum, art gallery, out in nature… and look around. Be there, see what’s there, let go and breathe. My favorite of these is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship, and is something we can learn to grow. As we focus on thinking kind thoughts, it reaches into our subconscious and cleans house, establishing a more stable emotional ground. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Or “Pema Chodron Awakening Compassion” on YouTube, if interested. Pema approaches metta in a different direction, called tonglin, but both practices have the same basic results. Really though, any time you spend having fun (sober’s better) helps breathe out the stress of it and reinspire our raison d’être. Happiness in the destination is a waste, because happiness is available all along the way. Especially because we’re always on our way somewhere, “horray, got third in the class, learned well. But shit, what’s next?”. Ya know? Where’s the celebration? The space to enjoy?

Finally, stop beating yourself up for your mistakes. We’re all fools, stumbling our way through. Perhaps if you had seen dad flubbing his way through life with duct tape and spit, it would have been easier to laugh at your stubbed toes and broken engines. It happens, friend, but we have to cut ourselves some slack, we’re doing our best to do our do. 🙂 So be gentle, explore your path tenderly, forgive early and often (yourself and others), and laugh at what foolishness comes up as we all bump elbows and toes. It helps to stay open, so when the fruits are lush, we’re open to that, too. And, whoohoo, just you wait and see!

Namaste, brother, may your wings find their warm breeze.

With warmth,
Matt

Brian,

Consider that your brother is jealous and uncomfortable when you’re shining more brightly than he is (in his perceptions). Like, through your gentle and righteous seeking, you come across a delicious pie, try to share it with loved ones. Then his frown enters: “I bring the pie here, yours tastes like shit” says his ego, trying to push you to stop being brilliant. You could Google “projection changing minds” for a brief but pointed explanation for what is probably happening. Your brother probably dislikes the way he himself tries to be a hipster to fit in(or whatever social group he’s trying to be a part of).

To stop his pressure in its tracks, consider standing up to him, throwing your arms around him, and telling him you love him even when he pokes at you in such ways. In your heart at least, if he’s too thorny to hug in reality. Then, move on, just keep singing your song, seeking and finding answers, sharing, hugging. Why let his discomfort become sticky? Its not yours.

You find Buddhism engaging? That’s awesome!

With warmth,
Matt

Aiman,

The simple answer, memories of pain create fear, and fear turns you inward, away from kindness for self AND other. Such as, fear that path A doesn’t hold the key to your happiness, making you hope that path B doesn’t have the keys to her happiness.

Sometimes we think we don’t have strength, but its not that. Its when we are still building our courage, fear paralyzes us. As courage grows, so do conscious choices, less fear turning into barriers. Such as turning away from envy, resentment, so you can make the best of path A. The secret is, you’re beautiful on A or B, and both can inspire happiness. Said differently, contentment, happiness, is produced as we accept where we are, and dance… rather than the specific song/career/partner/bus we happen to be dancing with.

Also, “not choosing” is an illusion, its still a choice. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Bobby,

Lol, yes, pride killer, or the blossoming of humility. “Haha! Look at what we have yet to learn!” Just don’t let it cycle back into shame, as most of us are quite a mess before we find our balance. Breathe, be done. Like, letting the noticing happen without holding it, and it flows out the back door. For me, laughter comes next, seeing myself like a part time pinball. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Little Buddha,

To me, speaking out in this context is talking about something with someone who has the power/space to act on the topic. Such as, talking with our unfair boss about the situation, rather than talking to our friends about our unfair boss. Or talking with a therapist or support group or a trusted friend about an issue.

The main difference to me, is the sense of curiosity and exploration. Not just dumping. “What’s there? What could be done?” Rather than “darn it, you wouldn’t believe…” But, you already saw this, didn’t you? You seem to get it already.

For me, its about Right Speech. The general guideline is “is it necessary, is it true, is it kind?” Being kind in this sense includes being kind to ourselves, such as maintaining boundaries, getting help with our puzzles as needed, and so forth.

With warmth,
Matt