Dear Tee,

How is your week going?

Thank you for your compassion and care for my well being 🙏 Yes, I had it twice and it was even worst than the first time. Also the vaccine gave me all kind of weird symptoms and I’ve heard that many people deal with those issues long term. And if for example we had anxiety (or another health concern) before the vaccine or COVID, then the virus attacks that part of the body and makes it much worst.

You’re so right Tee, nature can heal us and it can help us to relax and recover faster.

I stopped doing most of my projects after the break up. I just couldn’t find the same energy and inspiration as before. I used to spend a lot of time with him and his kids in the nature and now it doesn’t feel the same. I miss him till now even after realising that he had some anger issues or was controlling. I somehow accepted it as a human nature. His father was quite controlling with his mother but it was normal for the older generations. It meant that he cared and loved her because he was jealous.

I believe a little jealousy is not bad in a relationship but it can’t go out of control and lead to the emotional or physical abuse. I’m quite conservative in my outlook in life when it comes to relationships so I was happy to finally meet a traditionally minded man.

To answer your question, he is living in the house that he bought on mortgage. After their divorce, the ex wanted to escape to another city or country but he stopped her (by court). He also took children’s passports so they can’t travel abroad until they are 18 years old. He did this because he was afraid that she will take them far away. Then his ex went to live with her aunt and her kids on the other side of the city. That situation lasted for a few years and then they agreed to live closer to eachother. So she started renting a place not too far away from him. And now I don’t know as he stopped contacting me.

My mother suspected that they had some silent agreement between each other to keep the finances ,in family’ and never let him marry again. And I’ve never got to see the final divorce papers.

They used to have an arrangement where his kids stayed at his house every 2 weekend. So they shared the custody. Then just before our brake up, she moved closer to him and the kids stayed more often at his. When my mother came to help with his kids, they had summer holidays, but he had to go to work. My mother helped for the entire school holiday.

And yes, my mother did pay a lot for the treatment of her dog. The problem is that if she gets angry or realises that I want to move out, she starts blackmailing me. It’s just the way you described it. She starts guilty trips or memory flashbacks. I think she is able to give him away when the need arises to make her point and she might harm herself too. I just don’t trust her judgment when she drinks.

Another thing was that my fiancé’s sisters and him as well did not allow any dogs inside their or his house as for them animals are dirty and smell. So when my mom got the dog he wasn’t welcome anymore. But what was ironic, my fiancée did not mind coming to people’s houses where the dogs live 🙂

And he did not mind to come to my father’s house (with 2 dogs) and imposed on coming to my mother’s place (with a dog). So it felt very conditional.

After the brake up, he wanted to stay friends with me but it was me who always reached out first. Then I decided to stop writing to him and he did not contact me for more than 1 year. He blamed me and my mother for the end of our relationship. We were together for about 4 years and kids are now 12 and 15 years old.

I hope I gave you now a little bit of a clearer picture of this complicated situation. It is still emotionally hunting me. Meanwhile, I could not find anyone with similar values and that could help me to move on.

I’m telling myself that if he really cared about me, he would never break off the engagement because of my mother’s refusal. What difference did it make? He would try to make it work somehow because he could not stand the thought of losing me. Well, at least that’s what I would do in the same situation.

Tee, what do you think? Would you try contacting him again and see how his life goes? Or it is a waste of time and it might do more harm?

Would you ever accept living with a man in such a partnership (situationshp) or the whole live-in proposal was bad news?

This situation made me think of my parents. My fiancé was at least trying to protect his children and their mother. My father did the opposite. He did the same arrangement but to protect his young ex wife and her daughter after his death. And she doesn’t even care about him.

It seems that it is some kind of revange from my father. He always prefered to have a boy and I always felt that.

Last time I spoke with my father’s ex, she told me that she is paying for the house (she still lives there and visits now and then) and doesn’t know what nonsense my dadd told me (her words). My father told me that they both contribute 50/50. They both tell me 2 different versions. Also her daughter can come and go as she pleases but there was not even a room for me and I always had to announce my visit and stay on their terms (no key either). I never felt that I’m visiting a father. I’m trying to let all those negative thoughts go as much as I can. I pray and let it with God but it still hurts.

I feel that my parents still keep grudges towards eachother and I was the one suffering from the consequences of their past. They both say that they want to forget it but somehow they don’t.

Tee, do you see the pattern here? Is there anything I can do to stop attracting same people and situations into my life (that are the reflection of my father)? They say that the history likes to repeat itself and that our life depends on the frequencies we send to the Universe. Are you familiar with that concept?

Tee, I hope I did not overwhelm you with such a load of information. There are those things that I’m still struggling to comprehend. I wish to find the answers one day but most importantly the peace of mind.

Thank you for offering your help Tee and for making me feel that I’m not alone on this journey 🙏

From my heart to yours ❤️

 
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Dear Tee,

I’m sorry for the late reply but I did not have an easy access to my WiFi recently. The line got cut off due to the recent storms and we still need to wait for the better connectivity.

How you’ve been, Tee? Any improvements?

Meanwhile I found out a bit more about that counselling place you asked me about. They are known to some of the associations that I visited recently. And the first person I spoke to was a nurse and the other was a counselor. They each had an assessment with me and they had the same opinions of what I confined to them. Then at the end of my session I spoke to a group of people and they seemed to know about the problems of all other participans as well. I’m guessing that they prefer to do things their way. I remember one person saying that you need to be honest with yourself where you made any mistakes and should not sugarcoat it like at many other institutions. Well, in my case it caused me even more anxiety as I regreted that I did not do things differently. So I concluded that it might help some to move on but not all.

Regarding the dog, I’m really thankful for all your advice. I contacted a vet but she is not a behaviourist so couldn’t help too much. Unfortunately we do not have a big choice here.

Then I asked at the shelter and they gave me the number of a dog sitter & a trainer. They told me that he is not easy to train as he has aggressive tendencies and his anxiety is too big. I’ve tried to leave him with her gradually but she wasn’t happy to continue as she could not touch him and he snaped at her. I don’t see any solution here.

You’re right Tee, there are a few things that I like doing and need to do more often. I neglected it for a long time. I could say that I enjoy listening to the music, painting and travelling.

What do you like doing in your free time?

I also wanted to ask you for your opinion. I’m not sure if you believe in dreams and that they mean something but I keep having the same dreams for a long time now. I see my ex fiancé in them. I keep waking up with regrets that I gave up on him so easily.

I think I mentioned him to you once. In short, a few years ago, I was engaged with a man with 2 kids, and his situation was a bit complicated. His ex-wife divorced him, but it seemed that they still weren’t financially divorced. He told me that his house is for his kids and when he dies also for his ex-wife. And if we want something together, I need to buy something new with him. His family also interfered a lot, and he always asked their opinion. He was a bit controlling at times but that showed me that he cares about me. Despite all of that, we had a lot in common, had the same beliefs, hobbies, etc. I felt good in his company.

He visited some of my family, but it was not enough for him & he insisted to also see how my mother lives. But my mother refused his coming and he blamed me for that saying that I should convince her. Then we stopped seeing eachother as my mother did not change her mind. She thinks till today that he only cared about his kids and would never marry me anyway.

Was my mother right about not inviting him? Was he bad news but I didn’t see it? Why those dreams keep torturing me?

Thank you Tee for all your kindness & understanding that you offered till now. I would be completely lost without you 😊

Big hug 🫂 and lots of love dear 😘

Dear Tee,

How are you doing?

Thank you very much for this beautiful message ❤️

Happy 1 May to you, Tee! 😊🌿

I did not reply to you earlier as I wanted to apply some of your advice regarding the therapy and coaching.

But to be honest with you what really helped me was when you told me to take care of my emotional needs by myself. And that it is not too late to be loved and to not feel helpless anymore. It never occurred to me before that I can still do that now as an adult.

Anyways, I decided to see how the session goes with the counselor. It was not easy for me to do it but I gave it a shot.

People were welcoming but unfortunately it was too judgmental and did not give me any tips on how to move on and heal faster.

For example, they told me that it was my fault that I stayed with my abusive family. I should report them to social services when I was a child and I wasn’t smart enough to do that. Really? Could I change anything back then?
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Also they told me that I ‘lost’ the man that I’ve met in the church because I was not proactive and waited too long. When he replied thank you to the video I should have contacted him again in a few days and say that I want to see him again. And that I should never ever tell him that my fiancée passed away as men are afraid of that. Is that true? I thought that after 3 divorces, he will be more understanding…</p>
Also he could at least tell me that he’s moving abroad, at least that…

I feel that I won’t come back there anymore and that it is not for me. Instead, I’ll try to do something about my life now without blaming myself for something I did not know better back then.

I’m still struggling to set some boundaries with my family as they have a way to always make me feel guilty. So the elderly that I was telling you about is my mom but also there is her cousin, as my grand parents passed away last year.

I’ve got job offers abroad but every time had to refuse them as I felt guilty. I was really trying to apply some changes and even told them that I am planning to move out and will travel for my work. They say that if I go, I won’t find them here when I come back or that they will finish with their lives and I will end up by myself!  My mom has a dog and told me that if I will leave her, she will give him away to strangers or even worst. She knows I love that dog and it feels like an manipulation with my feelings.

I can’t travel with him as no work allows it but staying in this place will make me more miserable and depressed. I feel torn apart right now between them and my life.

She also drinks and her mood is horrible after that. She got bitter with age and that’s her way of dealing with problems and the regrets. Everytime she talks about the past, my mistakes with other man, shouts, compares me to my father etc. If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned, she says that I have my father’s character 🙁

She always gives examples of daughters who’s parents were alcoholics and abusers and those women were strong, not like me, and found husbands & got married. Why those comparisons? I don’t understand that.

Everytime her hurtful remarks make me sad and I need a few days to recover from that. How can I respond to her?

So it is really hard Tee. I know that there is many other women in the world that went through even harder experiences with their parents but it is not of any consolation for me.

Anyways, I’m sorry to be the negative Nelly in this message but I thought that I will share with you a little bit more.

I feel that I have to do something about my life as soon as I possibly can…

Tee, it was really nice to read your message and feel that someone, somewhere cares and doesn’t judge and genuinely wants to help me with her beautiful heart ♥️

Thank you Tee!

I hope to hear from you and how are you feeling. Lots of love and warmth 🌼

Dafne

Dear Tee,

How you’ve been?

What a delight to receive your message.

Happy Easter! 🐣😊

It is a time of hope, renewal & of new beginnings. I wish this season will bring us more relief from the emotional and physical pain.

Some days are hard to even want to get up & keep going. Especially during the family holidays when everyone reunites at one table.

Did you have experiences like that – that other people don’t agree with how you see your father (if you ever spoke to anyone about it?)

Yes, actually everybody always agreed with how I felt about my father. Most of my family is not here anymore but as far as I remember, they could never get along. Even his own parents were not happy with his behaviour and his difficult character. It always had to be his way or no way. And if not, he got abusive & angry.

My mom was the only one trying to accommodate him, change him, give him too many chances. She denied the reality and sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings. I suppose it is because she made a bad decisions in life because she was too much in love with him. It blinded her judgment and later she suffered as well. She might feel like it is her fault not listening to all the warnings around her.

She still pushes me to send him the birthday wishes, Easter, Christmas etc. I feel it’s not right.

I feel like I can’t trust him & there is no point in pretending 😕

All my friends tell me to forget him. They don’t even want to talk about him. For them he is not worth it. He only wants a child to support him and his vision. So no, Tee I do not really have someone to share anymore.

Maybe I should just stop talking and thinking about him? Maybe this will help me to move on faster. Is that even possible?

One of my friends had daddy issues as well but she coped in a different way. Just like you said it. She erased the memory of her father and never spoke about him again. She found a man who actually is much older than her and is happy to be like a father figure to her. He doesn’t mind at all. He understands her pain and wants to take care of her and love her. Is that a better solution for woman with those issues?

Thank you Tee for all your help & comforting words. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. I know that all our emotional pain has a reflection in our bodies, like back pain, neck tension etc…we are holding too much of that.

I pray for us to realise all that energy 🙏

Take care Tee

Have a peaceful time ❤️

Dear Tee,

I hope you’re having a very nice weekend. I’m planning to spend it reading & contemplating on all the wisdom & teachings you’ve shared with me till now 🥰🤗

It’s a good time for staying in as it is raining a lot here in the past few weeks.

Thank you so much for answering all my questions with such a deep empathy! ❤️ Reading your messages feels like a big, warm virtual hug 🌞

In my heart, as a member of this group you should get a reward of the year!

I decided to volonteer at a dog shelter. It takes me 2 hours to go there but it’s worth it. If I can’t share my affection with people, I will do it with animals.

One lady at a shelter told that most dogs suffered a lot in their childhood and still after many year are very fearful, needy for love but distant at the same time. They don’t trust easily.

The amazing thing is that we have so much in common with them but do not even realise it.

I always thought that animal lovers are good people and there is no way that they can’t share their love with others. Or if a man loves his kids from previous marriage, he will also love and take care of the new women in his life. It is not true. And the irony is that my father has dogs and knows how to take care of them but doesn’t know how to love his own daughter.

I never asked him for anything all my live (maybe only for a doll house when I was a little girl that he promised to buy but never did). And recently I asked for sending me some of his documents, which he never delivered to me as apparently he lost them or has no time as always. Now I can’t move on in life because the offices need the papers from father and won’t help me.

I think I’m not going to ask him for anything anymore but at the same time keeping in touch is more hurtful than not.

He already told me that he won’t come to the wedding if I ever get married (reasons: probably the man I marry will want his house or some land etc. or that he doesn’t like to travel & dress up for an old daughter). I had a chance to get married young so now it would be embarrassing for him to come 😞

Anyways, he thinks that it is too late to find someone to marry me now…

It’s just too painful for me to even think about talking to him.

What if my future husband asks about the father? And what if he wants to see him before marrying me? I know that my father won’t invite any man to his house.

Shall I tell him about my childhood? How shall I tell him without scaring him away? Will he label me as a woman with daddy issues?

Tee, I will take all your advice to my hear and continue my healing day by day. And if someone asks for a date, I will explain that for the moment I’m looking only for a friendship that at some point may lead to more but not now. Is that what you would say Tee?

Thank you Tee 😊

Please take care of yourself & I’m sending you lots of love & praying for a quick recovery 🙏

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Tee,</p>
I’m so glad to have your news! I was worried that you weren’t well and maybe left the forum for good.

Thank you so much for taking time to reply to me despite your health condition 💕

I’m not feeling my best either and more health issues are hindering any spiritual progress that I was hoping to make this year. I imagine that we are struggling with similar health fears. It is so hard to deal with so many things at the same time.

Have you tried any unconventional medicine to help ease your anxiety? I’m looking into acupuncture and aromatherapy at the moment as I could not sleep well for a long time. It got worst after I reconnected with my father a few months back.

I told him how I felt and that I would like to give him a new chance but he got angry and shouted at me. He thinks that childhood has nothing to do with my situation.

Now he is saying that if I think that he is not a good father, I should stop calling him and he doesn’t want any contact with me if I ever mention my feelings or want anything from him. He said that his father never helped him and my life should not be easier than his. Also he said that many families are not in contact so it won’t make any difference for him if I disappear from his life 🙁

I felt so sad, disappointed & hurt that I cried many nights like a small child. Maybe I’m trying too hard to recreate what I’ve lost as a child which is impossible? Maybe he is not able to love me at all? He dared to say that children should help financially their parents. That was his understanding of having kids. I told him that yes, you’re right but as a child I needed you first…

Even his ex wife (probably financially still not divorced) says she can’t deal with him but they have too much codependance. Both tell me 2 different stories about their divorce, house etc. I’m not sure who is telling the truth. She says that she is paying for the whole house and needs to work hard but my dadd says it is 50/50.

He doesn’t want to help even with the matters that are simple and for free. I needed some important documents from him and he said he has no time and probably lost them.

Now all my appointments are cancelled and people are wondering why my father can’t help? I can’t deal with him anymore emotionally.

Tee, I agree with you that there is some strong connection between childhood and the future decisions that are mostly fear based. I’m trying to choose people that are the opposite of what my dadd is but still, the same patterns emerge. They are cold, emotionally unavailable, distant or angry types.

The last man seemed to be kind but also disappeared without a word. Then after 3 month told me that he is madly in love with his sister’s friend.

I remember that he asked if I want to get married and I told him that yes, I’m looking for a friendship that leads to something more serious like engagement and hopefully marriage. Maybe this was the reason? 😊

Thank you Tee for coming back to this forum and sharing your thoughts and kindness with me.

I hope you will feel better soon. The recovery takes time but sometimes even a warm word and knowing that someone somewhere still cares gives hope and strength to carry on.

Big hug 🫂 and take care!

P.S.

Tee, your profile picture is really nice 🥰

Dear Tee,

I’m glad to hear that you are a bit better and that even in that hard moment of your life, you still make something positive out of it. That is really beautiful 🌼
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes, I’m watching some of the videos on YouTube about that concept and it makes perfect sense. I am trying to find peace with myself and the past.</p>
Tee, the example with your husband really resonates with me. It used to be that one of my dates mentioned to me that he feels like my father. He said that he has kids and doesn’t want to be seen as a protector or carer of my needs. I wanted the love I missed from my father. I do not regret loosing him as he had terrible anger issues and also too ,modern’ for me.

He also complained about his ex wife taking his washing machine after divorce so not a great prospect 😁

I still believe that our man should be like a real father figure (protector and provider) and being needy is human. Maybe some men like that? Maybe if we do not go overboard with our emotions, it is something to cherish and not to eliminate?

I’m hoping to meet someone who is not afraid of those emotions but sometimes I’m the one running 😅 I realised that I can’t handle emotionally the constant chats on WhatsApp or on the phone. Why is that? I feel overwhelmed if there is too much exchange as well. Maybe it is the introvert in me and nothing to do with the childhood?

Tee, you gave me hope for better tomorrow. I’m glad that we could share our life experiences and help each other one way or the other.

You reminded me about that TV program called ,90 days fiancé’ where people need to decide to marry very quickly as their visa expires after 90 days. They live in different countries.

Your love story is very inspiring too. To be honest, I admire your patience as being in a long distance relationship is very hard.

How did you make it work? Did you struggle with any cultural or religious differences?

Also would it be too much to ask you which countries are you both from?
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Last Sunday one of the priests told me a very interesting thing. He said that sometimes the place you are used to is not the place you belong. This might be a sign.</p>
Anyways, Tee your kindness and support have been a source of comfort during this difficult time and I cannot thank you enough. 💗

Your willing to listen, offer a kind word & emphasise with my emotions have helped me feel less alone and more understood and I feel very grateful 🙏

Warm greetings and take care!

Dafne

Dear Tee,

How are you doing? I hope you had a good weekend.

Thank you for your comforting words 🙏

You helped me to see the things for what they are and not for what I wish them to be. I am much better now knowing that my feelings were ,real’, that I am not overreacting and that there is someone out there who understands my pain. I’m also glad that you  could find ways to nurture your inner child and feel loved again ❤️

Your’re right about my father. I’ve lied to myself for so many years, explaining his bad behaviour and suffering in silence. I’ve shed too many tears…

I’m not gonna argue with him anymore or beg for his attention.

I will try to live day by day. I only hope that those past experiences won’t mess up my relationships with others.

To answer your question Tee, I’m not sure what triggered my response with that last man. Maybe I was scared of him leaving me sooner or later? Or maybe I felt embarrassed that the stepfather can be more loving than my own father?

I did send him a message, he replied but still no 2 date in sight. He might enjoy his fun, bachelor life now and I might be too serious for him.

Anyways, I really enjoy listening to people’s love stories and how they’ve met for the first time. It gives me hope and inspiration that true love still exists and one day might knock on my door too 😊
<p style=”text-align: left;”>You mentioned in your other post that your husband is your best friend and helped you in that hard time. I find it amazing. Depression or anxiety should never be a reason for him/her to neglect or quit the relationship.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Tee, if you do not mind asking me, where did you guys meet? Are you both from the same country?</p>
Life is so unpredictable…we never know what’s around the corner. Let’s pray for our healing and to feel at ease once again 🙏

Have a peaceful week! 🌷