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April 6, 2022 at 6:20 pm #397189BunParticipant
Anita,
Thank you for your response and the welcome back.
I appreciate and look forward to your always balanced, and patient responses.
I agree that I should stay. I will look into my own place, though I have had amazing roommate experiences previously, in the last few years.
I am shocked to read that I bring the drama as I try everyday to meditate, practice yoga, mindfulness and be as kind as I can be myself.
I agree that my response to Eās mother was ungrateful. But that was over 7 years ago, and in retrospect I always felt bad about that moment and had the chance to apologize to her in person. I was a teenager and viewed her as my mother, nonetheless, crossed the line and I donāt disagree with her giving me the boot in the house per se.
However I have grown a lot since my teenage years. I was known as a peaceful person. Once my sister saw me reading tiny Buddha and said āthatās what you areā.
I feel the past few years I try my best but when faced with any kind of instability in another, due to me relying on them for housing since I left my apartment in 2019. From there I went to Indonesia and had an amazing healing, spiritually educational experience and felt very balanced. Arguments are not a common thing in my life – I like peace.
From there I stayed with my brother, moved with E and her brother, then my mother, and since then have been struggling with housing due to the chaos created from my personal relationships – in which I was reliant for housing this last year.
I feel I bring the drama in response. Which is not right but a lot of the behavior from others that I needed to stay with the last year hasnāt been normal.
Still, I want to understand how I may be bringing the drama even if it is not in my intention, spirit, or awareness ( every time I react, another has been exploding – itās not right but I see in those moments. I donāt yet see any scenarios / drama I created in the recent past. Simply feels I am responding ).
So I will take the advice, begin work, saving, and secure my own place after 6 months. I do hope I can see how I bring the drama as I just feel I didnāt leave enough insight. Iām not perfect, but I donāt start arguments. When it becomes bizarre I am overwhelmed and overreact
now I have moved so I donāt need to associate with my mother or sister or feel indebted to the moods of anyone because I am staying for free ( as in the past year ish ).
thank you for your response. If you can help me understand more about the drama, please do. I hope to grow and learn and never bring negativity, but I feel that is my nature without such serious daily bizarre relationships.
thank you
bun š
April 6, 2022 at 1:52 pm #397171BunParticipant****PASTE RE: *****
I want to start with my appreciation for this forum, for all of the wonderful souls that dedicate any time to help alleviate others and raise them up. Over the years this forum has been incredibly healing, motivating, and conducive to my happiness, growth, and success. Thank you for this community!Over the years I turn to this forum for various things. I know itās a part of life that you may always have something that is not perfect, that you want to see change in and work on, but thatās life – and I accept that.
My spiritual and life journey has felt like itās taken a plunge and even sometimes in my current position I think – where did it all go? All of my spiritual work, efforts – and through decisions and associations that somehow misaligned me from myself and past.
>In my last post before this one, there is a very detailed comment / response on the timeline of my last few years highlighting my top stressful situations and the thought processes behind it all.
In my last post, January 2021, I was conflicted to move out of my friend and her brothers house, and in with my mother.
After I made the post, my laptop broke, my phone broke – I had no connection and was in my friends home where I didnāt feel comfortable so I simply fixed my phone and called for my mother and moved in with her.
Clicking back on my last post I see I missed a vital response of advice that had I taken ā do not move in with your mother or anyone whom you had bad experiences ā.
>From there you would not imagine the destruction that has taken place on my time. My mother was very unwell and sparing details would have blow outs and make efforts to incarcerate my brother and I for various things. I talked to police multiple times and she called multiple times, they simply said it was a family matter and left.
During this time I worked on finding a place though I should have just left to a hotel as she called the police on my brother and I and said we refused to leave her house ( she never asked us to leave, she constantly discussed us moving with her, I simply started working on finding my own place after her calling the police and returning to ānormalā multiple times ).
I became upset one day as she insulted my brother calling him āPOSā. He is older than me but fragile from her abuse as he spent longer growing up with her. I could not take it and I told her to leave him alone. She exploded, insulted me calling me disgusting – my own mother, left the house, came back with police, a scratch on her forehead and told the police I had scratched and forced her out of the house.
Though my brother was a witness this still resulted in me going to jail ( traumatic ), having to be bonded out, and now having my record smeared with a false battery charge.
So after that I was staying in hotels with my brother. We were in hotels for 4 months together, then split up after a silly argument in which he said āI donāt need youā and so I said, so be it and went to my own hotel elsewhere. Still, I sent money to support him and tried my best but I still stayed in hotels myself for around 4 months more. I could not save up enough for a place and afford the $70-$100 hotel nightly. I could only afford to keep paying the hotel. I had no friends to stay with, and my brother was with his partner and children in his own hotel trying to save and do the same as me.
I finally rented a cheap room somewhere in town. Though I was free of hotel fees – I felt in the middle of nowhere in the city, with no transportation, and nothing within walking distance. I found it hard to begin work as I would have to Uber to work and I didnāt have the funds for that consistently.
I spent 4 months there completely scrambling, not working, trying to save funds for Uber to work, my brother asking to live with me and I wanted him to but I was then living with a young guy who had drug issues, I didnāt have space from with not having transportation etc and I didnāt feel it was a good environment for either of us.
I ultimately decided to take up and offer from my ex boss to come back to LA to work / live with him. I took the offer and planned to begin work immediately and send help for my brother as he was in even worst position with no housing, no hotel.
Upon returning, I asked my older sister to pick me up from airport for comfort despite our horrible past and me ending our relationship due to essentially it not being healthy for me. I text my boss after landing that I am out running errands, though it was 10pm it was true my sister wanted to go to the grocery market which was open.
Though he is my boss we are friends as well so I didnāt think this would be a problem. A few hours later I text – no response, I have to sleep at my sisters and she seems upset about it ( we donāt have a healthy relationship ).
The next day I get no response. I call and my boss / friend sounds unlike Iāve ever heard him – angry, unforgiving, insulting – and says Iām on my own. Mind you, he is going through his first divorce and COVID affected work, so it is not a normal time for him.
I felt it was unreasonable as I flew out to work and stay with him and now stranded in the city. After weeks of stress, having to stay with my sister and stress her out with my unexpected stay, he agrees to let me move in with him.
Oh – and surprise mention – I find out I am nearly 5 months pregnant with a one time event that I literally unfortunately did for finances in desperation when I was renting the room with the unstable younger roommate.
So now I am in LA, pregnant, and living with my boss – though now he discusses we will hardly be working together but I can stay here. I call to plan an appointment for termination as I had no money, barely housing staying with boss, and not ready essentially.
I tell my boss and he freaks out. He pays for expensive ultrasound in the middle of the night at a clinic to confirm. He says I should terminate or simply have it and go back to the state with the father who I really didnāt know. I decide to terminate but the next day he is going on a trip out of state. He tells me I canāt stay there any longer, and brings up my marijuana smoking which I unfortunately increase briefly in times of stress but it has never been a problem, simply I was not able to begin work with the constant moves / needing to handle the pregnancy. Anyway I see a side again I have never seen, as if he hates me and doesnāt trust me at all. It was hurtful and so I just called my sister and left to her house.
My sister was very unhappy about me being there but I assured her I could find a place or even rent an Airbnb. She says no, just stay and save and work. I have the operation and she has no empathy towards me. I never speak of my symptoms or the termination and she says āyou make everything about yourselfā as I sit with the loss of a child and in pain physically while saying nothing about it.
It then becomes horrible daily as we share her studio and she takes out her depression / aggression on me. It was multiple events and comments and her kicking me out multiple times ( while Iām still healing ) from her mood and ultimately saying āI had depression and didnāt give a **** how I treated anybodyā, and her actions towards me reflected that. Everyday it felt she hated me, pushed me around, then pointed the finger – I could never speak up. I just tried to save and do my best to find a place.
After almost two months staying with her on and off ( she would kick me out randomly, welcome me back, and do it again ), I return home happy to hangout and have some St Patrickās day relaxation. When I get back to her studio I send her a friendly text if she wants to get together, she texts back sheās having a mental breakdown and needs space.
I start to cry as I feel her mental breakdowns result in her accusing me of something āyou make everything about youā etc. I feel it will result in her being upset / irritable and even majorly passive aggressive or just random rude comments when sheās not happy.
5 minutes later after she texted me she needed space for her mental breakdown – and me returning to her studio, she returns and is completely fine. She says she feels better and asks why Iām crying. I say because she says sheās having a mental breakdown and I donāt know how to help / itās overwhelming.
She immediately becomes defensive and says she canāt even express her own emotions if sheās having a down day without me taking it personal, etc etc etc.
For me she makes it personal when she is having a down day. Itās not simply a day of her venting – it becomes a day of aggression directed at me.
So I just say ok Iām sorry Iām going to go for a walk and I love her. She says she thinks itās best I move out ( knowing I have no where to go and here constant up and down affecting my location, thus not working / nothing saved up to pay for a place ). I say okay.
I go for a walk and on my way back her car is stalled in the middle of the street of her studio – she calls me and frantically asks if we can talk. I say itās fine I will leave today – she says no she wants to talk about me staying. I walk to her car and we chat. She says all of the problems of the month are little to do with her own state of mind but because we are in a small space – studio. And that she is moving to a one bedroom and I can join her, and that it will be 100% better because we have the space.
For me, the last two months with her were so traumatic and just from my perspective an unwell person with high animosity toward me at times taking it out on me. It didnāt sound appealing to me I told her I would think about it.
I left to my friends for the night and asked if she wanted to drive me in exchange for money, and a small gift, not because I needed the ride – but as a way to leave for the night in a friendly manner. She agrees so we leave and chat and have a good drive.
The next morning I awake to paragraphs of her saying I cannot move in with her and should move my things asap. It was just so bizarre but I was over being a fawn to her mental instability and thus, emotional toxicity. I said ok, I love her and will move my things within a week.
Anyway fast forward into the week and Iām trying to secure a room in an apartment with bad credit and weak current work income, not an easy process. I find two and have a hard time deciding between. I ask her, as sheās my big sister, if I can have her advice between the two. When I tell her Iām moving she freaks out and exclaims I have a marijuana addiction and should move into a homeless shelter – one her church operates and she constantly would send me links. It makes me think she doesnāt want to see me working and in a good position, as I have always been in a better position per se financially, with housing, lifestyle, etc. and now while I simply have work and housing issues, some connected to her, she exclaims itās not possible for me and I should just seek treatment for marijuana.
I have smoked marijuana on and off for a few years – medically. Initially for sleep help working the night shift, and then I simply enjoyed it socially or before yoga. Under this stress with the housing I tend to smoke more as I have a higher level of stress and not my usual coping mechanisms ( my own nice space to decompress – do yoga, meditate, journal, focus on myself and work ) – itās just been others moods.
Additionally, my sister struggles with quitting marijuana, something I donāt have an issue with. I have weened myself off multiple times – it is like coffee to me. For right now I reason I donāt deserve the stress and it doesnāt help come up with better solutions so I smoke a little more. I still take care of my health, etc. Meanwhile my sister struggles to take care of her health, work, maintain peace or happy lifestyle and to stop smoking marijuana. It seems like a projection for her to accuse me.
Anyway, I made the decision to move into a less desirable apartment situation vs one more aesthetically pleasing / with roommates who seemed healthy and with similar interests, because the 1st apartment was in a safer area. Itās been two days since I moved and I feel uneasy about my roommate already. She does have high anxiety but I find it hard to be trusting even when my guard is down, I feel her anxious nature leads me to feel distrustful. The power was off last night, so I had to leave to a friends. I donāt feel sheās in a healthy or responsible state if the power is being shut off after moving in a roommate and itās her responsibility. Iāve only given her rent + 1/2 deposit, negotiating to pay full by the end of the week.
Despite the location being nice, the uneasiness I feel makes me wonder if I should check if the 2nd apartment is available – and simply move out this week and negotiate that move out with her keeping the rent for the month + 1/2 deposit.
The 2nd apartment seems a healthier environment in the house ( roommates in a better place emotionally ? ) and it is bright / modern more natural light which I find motivating.
I wonder if I should just stick with it, as itās a 6 month lease and Iāve signed though not sure the papers are turned in just yet ( sublease ), work for 6 months and make it work, hope the power is back on – and then move somewhere more suitable, or just vacate now and try the other place though the neighborhood is far and apparently not as safe for walking though it may not be a big deal to me.
Itās important Iām in a place I feel safe, can trust my roommates, and can work on my personal things without roommate drama – and the power off, anxiety stuff is kind of drama to me rather than waking up with roommates who are stable in their day / mood.
I want to give her a chance, Iāve only been moved in two days, but itās been such a drain when I feel I should feel relieved to have a room finally.
What should I do?
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Bun. Reason: Copy / paste issues from my iPhone
January 12, 2021 at 7:04 pm #372724BunParticipantAnita šø
That is an important question and I thank you for asking. The argument that Eās mother and I got into was over a mutual friend, Sara, of E and I. Her home life was unstable at the time – with her mom locking her stuff out her house and her dad constantly yelling at her, she came over as solace. Eās mother was unhappy she was over so much. As someone who can directly understand how it feels to be a TEEN or CHILD and not have your home feel the place to return, I felt upset that her mother, a pastors wife would not be able to see a struggling teen and have compassion. Growing up I watched my own mother welcome kids and my siblings friends from all walks of life into our home because she also knows what it feels like. In the argument, Eās mother repeatedly said she did not want Sara there, with Sara in ear range. I felt so angry and defensive over my friends well being, hence, life that I argued back for the first time with Eās mother. I immaturely and in anger said, āI am closer to god than you are if you think this wayā and she responded āthen why donāt you both leaveā kicking me out with no support system at 18, knowing my mom was not even in a living situation at the time. This begun a long process of me growing up, having to face the world alone at 18 get my own apartment, job, etc and realizing I must catch myself and I am my own parent now. Her family technically temporally adopted me, with paperwork so to me it felt like they adopted a dog and tossed it
October 26, 2018 at 11:20 am #233549BunParticipantThank you all so much! I really appreciate your advice, and will go forward feeling better about my decision
August 30, 2018 at 11:50 am #223773BunParticipantAntita,
I feel I should break up, yet the thought deeply saddens me. I feel “but..but..what if its me. What if I just have toxic thoughts”..he does everything right emotionally…but these superficial thoughts always seem to come back up. I wish we could just date casually and openly until I feel sure, but he would not do this- as he is sure of me, but me not of him..August 30, 2018 at 11:38 am #223761BunParticipantHi Antita,
Thank you for your response. I realize that he may not be homosexual, but his feminine nature turns me off. Maybe it is my own insecurities. I wish that I could accept this about him. I like his heart, it feels warm, but the rest creates a conflict within me.
He would be :/
April 19, 2018 at 3:56 pm #203261BunParticipantHey Justin,
I know you feel lack of motivation to switch jobs, but if you can’t feel better about your job title, maybe you should find excitement(motivation) in thinking of a new job position. I once stayed in toxic roommate situation because I felt too crippled by being overwhelmed/depression. Eventually, I had no choice but to go. Looking back I realize though it felt nearly impossible to make a change, when the time came when I had no choice, I did make that change and things improved. My point is…I feel you would feel so much happier and lighter to pursue something new, with a title that you respect. It may be hard with no motivation, but just force yourself(if you do want to switch jobs) because in the end it will be worth it and I feel you may be motivated as you see that you can and are moving into a job position that you respect. The minute you start comparing yourself to others you need to stop and be compassionate to yourself. We all have been dealt different cards so to compare “progress” is unfair to you and your life story. Admire those you wish to be like, but try to keep it positive by constantly watching the pesky thoughts.
Example:
Bad: “He has so much more than me”
Good: “Wow, I like what he has. And I will be able to reach that level one day, for now I will take whatever step is next needed”
One step at a time?
No idea if that helped. Sending you light and love brotha š
April 19, 2018 at 3:38 pm #203259BunParticipantAlso, I feel like with new friends its all about keeping a light vibe. So how can I approach them with a lighter fun mindset when I just feel like someone who needs healing?
April 19, 2018 at 3:35 pm #203257BunParticipantI am blessed to have received each of these responses! Thank you. I do feel lonely, and honestly feel just having oneeee person would help. My only barrier with strangers is, I feel I have not much to offer in conversation anymore. Before I was like “OKay I feel lonely, but I am hopeful” Now, I am hopeful yet…I feel all of this time without true human connection has dampened my spirit. I just want answers, help. I had my experience with the wrong friends since being here so that has also dampened my spirt. I used to want friends for fun, now I just feel like I want to be cherished and taken care of as I recuperate. Thank you for your advice
December 19, 2017 at 2:36 am #182791BunParticipantHI,
You are definitely not alone. In fact, my eyes widened when I saw your title, because I thought I was alone. I feel every sentence of yours as if I wrote it myself.
December 8, 2017 at 10:48 am #181107BunParticipantThank you. I really appreciate your replies
December 8, 2017 at 10:47 am #181105BunParticipantThank you guys
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