Hi Rose Tattoo,

Like anita’s post above, I do hope that you’re doing much better in your healing process. I hope the women’s group and reduced panic attacks are helping.

It does get better. I’m finally starting to feel ok 2 years after my own breakup with an EU type (emotionally unavailable!).

I really think most of the time the problems we have in our relationships reflect problems we have with ourselves- although it does sound like this guy was doing his best to be selfish and deceitful.

If you’re noticing this pattern of jealousy and unavailable men, you really need to ask what you were getting from those relationships. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. The way you treat yourself will determine how you treat others and deal with problems in every single relationship. For example if you’re impatient with yourself, chances are you’re impatient with others. If you felt jealous and controlling in your relationships, maybe you’re actually trying to get acceptance from yourself and feel you’re not in control in another part of your life? Sit down with yourself and ask these hard questions, and ask them often. You need to truly love and accept yourself first before you’ll feel comfortable accepting love from someone else and not questioning his intentions or whether or not he’s cheating. When you question your own self worth- you question other people’s motives and actions.

I highly recommend a break from dating for a little while. Spend some ‘me-time’ doing things you love, hang out with friends and family who you didn’t see much while you were dating, and be darned kind and amazing to yourself. See if you can be kinder to family and friends, and practice mindfulness in situations that normally stress you out.

Also, I would say guard and protect your heart. We (men and women) give too much of ourselves too soon, without knowing how we really feel. I think most of the time we’re not actually in love with the person, but with that love chemical (oxytocin?), and the feeling of being wanted. We mistake that feeling for real love, even if we’re not really compatible with the person or they might be bad for us. By the time we catch on that it’s not love or there are serious problems, we’re already in too deep. From now on, make him prove that he is worth your kindness, care, concern, time, and love. Until he proves that he is not going to take advantage of you, mistreat you, or use you, don’t give your heart away. I’m not saying to be detached and not invest in the relationship, just use this time to judge his character, be your authentic self, and continue to do all the things you love and value. Slow down, put boundaries in place, and use this time to get to know him and ask questions, and pay attention to every single red flag. During the hearts-off time, if he does anything that shows he will mistreat you, it’ll be easier to walk away. It’s not being mean, it’s protecting your heart. Please protect your heart!

Love starts with you. You are loveable, and you’re so worth love and respect (especially your own)!

lotuslotus,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It must be doubly frustrating to be far away from each other and have him become more distant.

No relationship is ever going to be perfect. There will be times when you have to make compromises. There will be rough times and better times. But you’re right: actions do speak louder than words. Effort and communication should go both ways and be open and honest. I feel like after almost 2 years together and talking regularly, you should definitely be able to talk about serious things like the future, and him being distant in the relationship. What’s missing from your post is his feelings. Besides saying he loves you, has he told you how he feels about being together? Does he say he doesn’t want to talk about it? Just be strong and brave and have this serious conversation! It’s not fair to you or him to keep acting like everything is ok when it’s not. It’s super stressful for you, and he may be wondering why you’re asking for attention. Not saying anything is the quickest way to have your feelings hurt even more and possibly start resenting him for hurting you. May I suggest you consider three things? 1: Be honest with yourself about what you want in this relationship and how it makes you feel (it sounds like you’ve already done this). 2: Be honest with him, and give him the same opportunity to express his feelings and needs. Tell him why this is important to you. Agree on a good time to have a serious talk. Be honest with your answers to his questions, and ask him to be honest when answering your questions. 3: I don’t have a better way of putting this- know what you’re willing to put up with and what you won’t compromise on. For example: If he consistently doesn’t change something he said he would, doesn’t have a good reason, or always has an excuse; know when enough is enough for you.

Maybe he is just busy but he should be truthful about what these new activities in his life mean for your relationship together. A really good quote I read somewhere: ‘A relationship isn’t about who you were in the beginning but who you become when you’re together.’

Instead of thinking of how things were in the beginning and before he was busy (because things are usually great during those times), ask if you like who you are when you’re with him, and if you like who he is now and how he treats you after 2 years. Best of luck my dear!

Dearest Yohannes,

My heart is breaking for you and the light that you don’t know you bring to this world.

A little over a year ago- I lost my little brother to suicide. He took his own life because he thought that we (his family, his friends) would be better off without him. We aren’t. Our family was devastated and my world is shattered. When I think of this past year, most of it was a blur and I don’t know how I made it through. I’ve been going to counselling and met mothers, fathers, siblings, and children of people who took their own lives. They may still be breathing and living but their lives stopped and changed forever when they lost their loved ones.

The reason that I tell you this isn’t to give you guilt but to share my story, and to share with you my hope for you and people who are hurt and in pain. I don’t have all the answers but I can share with you what I have learned about my brother and suicide over this past year.

My brother was a very sensitive, kind, and considerate person. From what you’ve written, I know you are too. Sensitive people care to a point where they can become immobilized by thinking of the pain that exists in this world, and pain they are experiencing. 1. Accept that you are a sensitive person. There is nothing wrong with this, except that you will be very hard on yourself and extremely kind and forgiving to others. I can guarantee that you accept the shortcomings and faults of others quickly, but are slower to forgive yours. You see the good accomplishments, good traits, good everything about others but maybe not in yourself.

You might ask yourself: why should you be kind to yourself- when you feel so broken and hopeless? The answer is: Just because you are alive. A counsellor gave me this answer a couple of months ago- and I didn’t understand it at the time but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. It’s not the number in my bank account, my accent, or my weight or height that make me a person. If we removed all of these things: talent, intelligence, skin colour, beliefs- without them we are all still human because we share the same hopes, and fears and have the same needs. We all need to feel and give love, we need to laugh and feel secure. 2. You deserve to be happy, and should be kind to yourself, just because you are alive.

What does success mean? What did it mean 30 years ago? 100? What does it mean to someone who was born having everything? What does it mean to someone who was born with nothing? Just as an example: does the Queen of England feel happy and successful? Or does she wish her path hadn’t been chosen for her? I read a quote/or saw a movie- I can’t recall which it was or where- and came across this touching thought. There is a group of young children who have grown up together. The main character, a young boy is troubled that one of his friends is disabled and tells his aunt how other people make fun of the child with the disability. He asks her why God made his friend with a disability. The aunt answers: Maybe God doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with them the way they are. I don’t mean to offend you with reference to God if you’re an atheist or believe in many gods- but this observation is true without a deity. There is nothing wrong with someone until we believe they are limited somehow. 3. Your success and happiness belong to you. Don’t give it away to a person, thing, or ideal that won’t treat it with care.

And last of all 4. We are all struggling with you. Maybe we just overcame a struggle or will be challenged in the future. This world holds so much joy and so much sorrow. Especially in the things we can’t control: where we were born, the experiences our parents had, war, natural disasters… Our society has a way of painting the world rosy- we grow up reading fairy tales and graduate to top 40 lists. Maybe it’s just the media’s way of letting us escape from the frightening news stories we fall asleep to- but it’s not real. Everyone faces challenges. The good thing is that challenges pass too. That’s the one thing that God/mother nature does consistently- times of famine are replaced with change and growth. You are in a time of change and growth. Your 30s can be scary- you leave your irresponsible 20s behind and face real adulthood and responsibility for the first time. Don’t be immobilized by fear. Remember your sensitive self? Your sensitive self in combination with this vulnerable part of your life can lead you to dwell in fear. But the whole world would grind to a halt if everyone dwelt in this fear. You look at some people who optimistic, charming, or lucky. Whatever you call it, they just seem to have a good life or deal with setbacks better. But remember that we are all struggling- you don’t know what that lucky person is dealing with, or is going to go through. You don’t know what that optimistic person went through to get that way. There is nothing wrong with the way you were put together- or the choices that you made that led to your existence and experience in this moment. It just presents you with different challenges. But you can overcome them.

In the same way you would respond with love to your girlfriend or someone else who was asking you for help- respond with love to yourself. Recognize and honour your sensitivity by giving yourself a time to worry and then time to stop worrying. Realize that your thoughts can run away yet get nowhere like a hamster in a wheel. You have to give yourself time away from the hamster wheel. In your moments of strength or when you’re feeling less weak, talk to someone about how you were feeling. Tell someone how you were feeling and that you were thinking of suicide. The world is becoming more aware of the struggles and situations that face people who are feeling like taking their lives. There are people who care, and who are trained to help you see a way out when you can’t. This is the Canadian Mental Health Association Toll free 24/7 number 1-888-787-2880. If you live in the US, you should still be able to access them. Other ways you can take a break are: Force yourself to get out of the house or just go to a different room. Eat out if you’re always staying in- stay in if you’re always eating out. Read a book- read just one page of a book. Advise yourself the way that you would if you were talking to your girlfriend. If she was struggling with setbacks or fear, what would you tell her? Come up with strategies for yourself to get through the challenges that you are experiencing. Even if you don’t know how you’re going to get through today, the important thing is to think of something else and distract yourself, even just for as long as it takes to write down or think about overcoming challenges. Give yourself permission to change how you’re feeling. Give yourself permission to be happy. Volunteer to hold puppies, volunteer at a homeless shelter, or to clean up a neighbourhood. When you can’t commit to taking care of yourself- let your sensitive side take over in caring for others. Giving to others is the quickest way to find worth and meaning in the world. It will also give you something to look forward to.
*Your perception can change. When you feel stuck or find yourself feeling weak or thinking of suicide- remember your loved ones- remember that you are worthy of happiness, remember that you own your happiness and success and you can change what it means to be happy and successful. It’s enough just to be alive. Remember that your struggles and limitations do not define you. You are so brave to ask for help and to talk to your girlfriend. You are so brave to face these thoughts instead of pretending everything is ok. You are a kind person to put others before yourself. You are worth more than you will ever know. The world is a better place because of you. Thank you for sharing what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you for you to overcome this challenge and discover how strong and resilient you are. Yours in prayer, A. Mercy