Lisa,

I’m also glad that you posted to the forum and am happy to be able to offer some support!  I hope that you’ll continue to post– there are so many wonderful people here.

I agree with you about him being childish in his response, but am glad that you spoke up for yourself so that he would at least know that you’re not OK being treated this way.  I am also interested in what he could possibly have to say to you, since his texts seem very dismissive and pretty clear that you both want different things.  Maybe it will be best to clear things up in person.

Good luck to you tomorrow with your conversation with him!  If you feel your anxiety kick in, be aware of it and try not to dismiss it.  It may be trying to help you out and pay attention to how you are feeling when around him (so far, not very comfortable or respected).

Amy

Hi Mouse!

I’m so sorry to hear about your hurting heart– I definitely feel for you and know that relationships can be very confusing.  Given the story and background you’ve given here, it does sound like the best idea to give both of them some space.  Reaching out to ask what’s up at this point could likely backfire and like you said, have him end up pushing you further away.  I know it’s hard, but you can do it.  Once you back off and give some space, I think it might also clear your own headspace up as well so that you can sort through this more.

I hope this is helpful and good luck!

Amy

Hi Lisa,

From what you have explained with your experience and thought patterns, this definitely can be anxiety and I’m glad that you’re waiting for an appointment with a therapist.  I didn’t get help for my anxiety either until I was in my late 20’s, so I understand and can relate that what you mean about feeling like you have lived a very long life.

I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your “date” recently and how this kicked up extra anxiety for you.  It does not sound like he treated you with kindness nor respect and your body and mind reacted accordingly.  It makes sense that you are having a lot of racing thoughts and confusion because he told you one thing, but then he acts another way.  Perhaps it would be best to take a break from talking to him for the time being until you are able to see a therapist and start working through your anxiety.

Especially right now if you can’t determine what is reality and what is thoughts, it won’t help much more to see him again tomorrow.  A therapist will help you dive into things further and be able to see things much more clearly.  Might be a good idea to get some space in the meantime and see if your thoughts clear up.

Does this help?  I hope you are feeling better about this today!

Amy

Hi alyahB_,

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through and I have experienced similar feelings and thought patterns.  Are you in a position where you might be able to start seeing a therapist to talk through some of the feelings and stresses that you are experiencing?  To me, it reads that you have had a lot of struggle and difficult times in your life, and for a very long time, you have always had to be the strong one and didn’t necessarily have anyone to lean on.  You were able to be so strong and resilient and get through these difficulties by treating yourself well and having clothes that made you feel that your outsides matched your insides– strong, put-together, tough, can get through anything.  Yet at the same time, since you had no choice but to power through many of these situations, it’s possible that you were never really allowed to feel your feelings in a true way or to let yourself be hurt and vulnerable.  It sounds like there are many old feelings that are piling up and haven’t really been left in the past like you may have thought they were.  This is what happened to me and I had the same feelings of suddenly being “gross and disgusting” and felt like no matter what I wore or what I looked like that people would suddenly see me as looking nothing like myself.  For me, this is still something I struggle with, but I have started to realize that I needed to address my feelings and past traumas with love and compassion and find a way to share those things with others instead of minimizing the past and pretending it didn’t happen.  It really sounds like you have been through a lot, and you deserve your love and support.  You deserve to be treated well, you deserve to have the clothes you want, you deserve to have compassion and understanding for what you’ve been through.  If you are able to start offering these things to yourself and seeking out help, you might find that you slowly start feeling that you lose that feeling of your clothes being disgusting and old.  I still have days where I feel disgusting or that my clothes don’t make me feel like I used to.  But I also realize that I have so much trauma and unfelt feelings in my past (specifically shame) that are making me think that my clothes or my belongings are my problem.

To answer your question directly, no, it is not shallow to want to look your best and to feel that your outside presentation matches your internal experience.  I think this is something that had served you well in the past and helped you get through many difficult times.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Perhaps the new way you are feeling though suggests that you might need to take a deeper look at your own feelings and start determining the type of things you value in life and what aspects of your personality and character that you really love and how they make you you.  If you can feel more grounded and present in who you are regardless of the clothes you are wearing, the more confident you will start feeling and might start realizing that you can be comfortable in anything.  Once you feel that grounded and rooted in your own personhood and being, you will find that that positivity and confidence comes from within you.

To leave you with another quote as food for thought, I have always carried around with me a French proverb, “L’habit ne fait pas le moine.”  Or in English, “It is not the clothing that makes the monk.”

Best of luck!

Hi Phil,

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through; it sounds very upsetting and disorienting.  Are you currently seeing a therapist or counselor?  I have had a similar experience this past year which ended up in two hospitalizations.  I also experienced some of the confusion and issues around time and at a certain point was having very bad hallucinations and also having moments of sensory input where I was not sure if time was going forward or backward.  I  have worked on recovery relentlessly in the past year, including a lot of therapy, meditation, yoga, and practicing being present in my body nearly everywhere I go.

That being said, I also have PTSD and a lot of childhood trauma as well as various abuse and emotional issues that had not really been dealt with fully.  In my personal experience, there were a great many factors that went into my emotional/mental breakdown (including the results of the election, certain medication that I was on that was not good for me, and some other very heavy life circumstances, etc.) and the combination of everything happening at once sort of broke my reality as I knew it.

I did not think I would ever be feeling “normal” again, but nearly a year later, I am pretty close to that.  I am unsure if any of that will resonate with you or if hearing about my experience helps you any, but I wanted you to at least know that you’re not alone in experiencing something like this.  It takes a lot of courage to open up about it and to tell others exactly what you are going through.  I also am realizing how my views on the world are drastically shifting and changing and has left me feeling like I was previously involved with a ‘movie/dream world’ as you explained.

I hope that this brings you some comfort and please let me know if I can help further!  Therapy and talking it out as well as being fiercely committed to my own recovery and ability to remain present have helped me immensely and hope you can find some similar relief.

Amy

Hi dreaming715,

I really relate to what you are going through right now and I have experienced a very similar situation with my partner.  It sounds like you are a very self-aware person in that you can understand exactly what psychological concept is playing a part in this feeling of abandonment and fear that you have.

From experience, I can say that yes, this is definitely possible to work on and possible to get better in time.  I have two suggestions that have both helped me in my own experience and I’d like to share those with you.

1.  Is this struggle/feeling something that you are able to safely share with your boyfriend?  It may help very much even just to be able to say to him “I am having those feelings of abandonment right now even though I know that’s not what you are planning to do.”  Not so much with the intent to get reassurance from him (although that would help too), but the goal moreso would be so that you are able to express how you are feeling and that you are scared and so that you don’t have to keep the feeling inside.  He would likely be able to handle hearing that and also would not want you to be feeling scared.  I’m not sure from your post whether or not he knows about your childhood history with abandonment and trauma– is this something you discuss?

2.  Whether or  not  your partner is aware of what you are going through, this one will help you personally and will be good for you to develop regardless of your relationship status…getting as in tune to your emotions and how they manifest physically in your body as you can.  For me, I had a lot of trauma, neglect, and also abandonment and I didn’t even know until I was 34 that I had no idea how to feel my feelings, nor did I know how to sit with strong and uncomfortable feelings once I did start feeling them physically.  This can be helpful so that you learn to self-soothe and recognize what you are experiencing and will allow you to look at the feeling with love and care rather than wanting desperately to get rid of it.

The way this has played out for me is the following:  when I moved in with my partner, I started to notice that often times when I left for work in the morning– as soon as I shut the front door and knew that she was still inside and that I was suddenly “in the world by myself”, I could physically feel a surge of energy and heat come up in my body and my chest would tighten.  I would lock the door, and start down the hallway to the elevator and just be very, very aware of the physical sensations.  I would notice that my ears would start ringing or that my skin was getting hot and eventually over time and doing this same routine over and over and over again, I would be able to be more aware and say to myself in my head, “OK– this is what separation feels like.  Now I have a pit in my stomach and this is what anxiety feels like.  Despite what I am feeling and the sensations I have, I am still safe and I am still loved and connected to my partner.”  Over time, I would suddenly start noticing some days where the sensation wouldn’t be there at all.  And in its place, I would notice when I was already just feeling safe and comforted leaving the house on my own.

This can be a long and difficult process, but if you stick with it, it might really help what you are going through and I really hope this has been helpful for you.  I am happy to talk through this issues or others with you if you’d like additional support!!

Good luck to you and I hope you write back in!

almc