Hi Emma,

I am so very sorry to hear what you have gone through and what continues to happen with this man– you are SO strong for coming onto the forums on TinyBuddha and for starting to speak out about what happened to you!  I know that right now you are very scared and you feel alone in this, but I promise you– I believe you and I see how much you are struggling, you’re not alone as much as you feel like you are.  People are out there who WILL believe your story and what happened to you.  I also want to make sure you know that this is in NO way, your fault.  Regardless of whether or not you were at one time dating.

You are so strong and resilient and it’s clear that you want to get help for yourself– having the help of these two paramedics is also a great place to start.  It’s really good that you are trusting your own boundaries and have not necessarily opened up to them in person about this until you know more about who they are and whether or not you can trust them with these personal details.

Mark mentioned one organization, RAINN, which is one good place to start.  This is a national organization that has a lot of good information and people to talk to.  You can call them directly which is SAFE and CONFIDENTIAL– your phone number will not be visible to them:  800.656.HOPE (4673)  If you would rather speak to them online, you can access a Chat forum which is also confidential here:  https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp

I would start here and see what information you can get from them and make the most informed decision you can for moving forward– depending on what state and city you are in, they are also other resources/organizations specific to your area for Rape and Assault.

Please feel free to e-mail back on this chain as often as you need!  The TinyBuddha community is happy to help in any way we can and we will be here for you as you go through this process.

I hope that this helps–my thoughts are with you!

Amy

Hi Kevin,

Thanks for posting! I’m so glad to see that you’ve found value in the TinyBuddha community and that you’ve reached out to others for help– what a great step!  I’d like to go back to your original post and address some of the questions you had there…

“Did I set my expectations too high?  Is this where I should be in life?  Why do I see the “bad” people creating good lives for themselves?  I have never smoked, never drunk alcohol, never taken drugs, never been in trouble with the police, never cheated on women, I don’t swear, I treat everyone with respect, I’m not aggressive, etc, etc.  Do these aspects count in life?  Why do I feel like I’ve never fitted in with society?  Is this just reality?”

A common theme that I notice here (and is something I often struggle with as well) is that you’re comparing your inner experience with other people’s outer experiences.  I believe through comparing yourself with others, you are getting this sense that you’re not where you are “supposed to be.”  However, given the early life experiences that you’ve had, you’ve already overcome so much and have shown such resilience! As others have mentioned, it’s no small feat to have gone through what you have, losing your mother early on, having little to no encouragement, and being a shy child and not turning on yourself and resorting to drugs or drinking.  You have worked very hard at maintaining your values throughout your lifetime and have remained:  kind, respectful, sober, and steady.  Not many people can say this.

Yes, I believe that those aspect do count in life– not because of anything that may or may not come in death, but because these values and this way of living is important to you.  It seems that you’ve held close to the values you find important.  Perhaps it would help when you find yourself comparing your lives to others, bring the focus back to yourself.  Live each day by asking yourself what matters to you most– for instance, it could be “Was I kind today?” or “Did I treat everyone respectfully today?”

If you continue to be in the moment, keep learning how to take care of yourself (like you are already doing), and keep on discovering what your values are and how to best live by them, I think you will start to see how that plays out in your life and where that will take you.  If you are living by your own personal values day-by-day, I think that this will matter most to you.  Focus on the “how” of ways of living and being vs. just solely on the outcome or what your career currently is.  Your career could be minimum wage or it could be a salary-based position, but your kindness and respect for all others would certainly still be with you and is really what makes you, you.

I hope that this helps and I hope that you are able to continue on your journey of self-discovery!

Amy

Hi Katie,

You start this post by saying: “I am unhappy in the relationship yet SOMETHING is keeping me from leaving him. I wonder every single day what the thing is.” This something is not your relationship to your friends (or lack thereof in the current moment), nor is it your relationship with your boyfriend.  This might be hard to hear, but the something keeping you from leaving him is fear.  You are afraid of starting over, you are afraid of being alone with yourself, and you are afraid of feeling bored and alone.  This is completely normal and makes a lot of sense given the relationship/friendship history that you have.

You are someone who really values connection, friendship, communication, enjoyment and self-improvement.  But right now, you aren’t in tune with yourself enough to know how to move forward and you are feeling like your life sucks and comparing it to other people  Until you start to love and value yourself– you will continue to look for these qualities outside of yourself.  But the good news is that you can start to cultivate them internally and will no longer go looking for them outside of yourself!

For instance, fun is something that you also highly value, however, instead of turning inward and finding what hobbies or activities really allow you to have fun simply because you enjoy them, you keep turning to other people to entertain and amuse you– first with Amanda and Anna, then with Hannah, and now with your boyfriend.  You are looking to others to keep you entertained at all times. You don’t like to feel vulnerable or to sit alone with yourself and your feelings.  This is also normal because feelings of boredom or loneliness or anxiety are overwhelming and we just want them to stop so we try to distract ourselves from them.

Would you feel comfortable starting to look into doing social activities without your boyfriend and start from there?  It could be yoga, shopping, joining new clubs or groups at school, anything you can think of really– just start getting interested in what kinds of activities draw you to them and start thinking about what kinds of people you’d like to surround yourself with.  Not based on fun, but what do they value– do they treat their friends with respect, are they caring and loving to people around them, etc.?

I believe that once you start working on building a connection with yourself and learning what really drives you, the rest will start to happen naturally.  It won’t be an easy process, but will be worth it.  You won’t feel such drastic swings or losses from friendships coming and going and you will feel much more comfortable and safe with just being with yourself.  Once you feel that and you can value and respect yourself– the behavior you accept from others will change.  I can’t predict how that will play out in your relationship with your boyfriend, but you may end up realizing that you no longer will accept being treated the same as you once were.

I know right now you feel like no one understands you and that’s a really painful and isolating experience. I’m sorry that you’re going through so much right now.  The fact that you’ve sought out this forum in order to start getting support and help says a lot about you! You’re resourceful and dedicated to getting help for yourself.

Please write back with any response or general reactions you might have; I’d be happy to further help if this response was of any assistance to you!

Take care,

Amy

You’re welcome for the insight, I’m glad that you find it useful!  It’s very understandable that you could start to worry about the future and how her current sadness or grieving might impact her mental health going forth.  That can be a slippery slope though, so as much as you can, I would offer that you try to focus on the current situation and remind yourself of the factual information you have about her rather than to start thinking too far in the future and whether or not birthdays or holidays will be effected.  Even if she does have to spend half holidays with you and half with the other sister, remind yourself that she is an adult capable of making these decisions and for managing the feelings that come with those decisions– you cannot feel things for her.  I sense that your intention is in the right place though and that you’re very worried about her.

I would suggest asking her directly how you can help her get through this process.  If you feel comfortable doing so, I would let her know how much you care about her, state that you are there for her and want to help, and reiterate that she has your support through this process even if it is hard.

Ask her specifically what, if anything, you can do to help her and then truly listen to what she does or doesn’t need.  Seeing people we love suffer can be very hard to sit with and we often just want to make it better for them as soon as possible.  But how you can help her best is to fully understand what she wants and needs as well as what she does not want and need.

She can speak best to her needs around her mental health and perhaps she’d like your help with certain things and not others (maybe would like help finding a therapist or taking her to appointments or maybe she just wants to have a weekly visit or call with you…options are really open here and a lot can be done)

It will likely help her so much to just know that she is not alone in this and that she has your support and to know that you can sit with the uncomfortable feelings of sadness and grief with her without trying to necessarily fix them for her.  Feelings come up and will dissipate eventually once they are able to be fully felt and accepted.

I hope this helps!!

Hi Cristy,

I am so happy to hear that my words have helped you and that you’re going to give some further thoughts to those questions– I think that you are already on the right track and it sounds like you are starting to get more in tune to your intuition by noticing how many times you’ve wanted to go back to him, but yet something keeps stopping you.  Incompatibility is definitely a painful truth and yet it’s really empowering that you are able to recognize this and see it more clearly.

I’m also glad to hear how you have been growing independently and learning to live for yourself and develop yourself outside of your partner.  You should be really proud of this growth and success as well!

Buddhist concepts as well as mindfulness have really helped me as well in my journey and it makes me happy to hear that they have touched your life and perspective.

Please let me know if I can help further, I would be happy to.  Otherwise, have a great weekend and good luck through this transitional period of your life!

Amy

Hi Baby Kitty,

It seems in this instance that you maybe aren’t realizing the fact that while other people can definitely help us to change our habits and behaviors and the way we think about and love ourselves, it’s never *actually* the other person doing the work, it’s always been you and it always will be you, regardless of who the person you are with it.  With any given relationship, platonic or romantic, you will learn many different things about yourself and each person in your life gives you an opportunity to see them as a mirror to yourself in a different way.

What I take from your submission is that you are really looking to grow and change and that self-improvement and learning about yourself is something that you really value and want to pursue.  It’s great to know that this is one of your values because it will allow you to seek growth, improvement, and learning on your own time and in your own ways.

That’s not to say you should or shouldn’t get back with your ex–however, I’d love to challenge you to look back on the relationship with a different lense and ask yourself what you taught *yourself* throughout being together with him.  Maybe even make a little draft of ideas and push yourself to investigate what you learned about your own behaviors and what you want out of life through being with him.

If you can start looking more into other things that you value and start getting interested in learning about what makes you tick, what type of partner you want to be with, how you want to grow further, etc. (some really hard questions!) then you can compare this to the relationship you had with him and see if he does, in fact, align with what you want your future self to be like.

Does this make sense?  You deserve love and kindness from yourself and although it may seem hard to reach right now, it definitely is possible to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and compassion regardless of your relationship status.  When you get more comfortable doing this, you’ll start to have a better feeling of where you want to take yourself next.

I hope this helps!

Amy

Hi Cristy,

Can you say more about how you feel that you “never really gave the relationship a chance”?  Generally speaking, committing yourself to someone for almost a decade would seem like you gave it fair shot and if after all that time, you still don’t feel comfortable (for whatever reason) expressing yourself honestly, communicating your needs, speaking about your feelings, and just generally being yourself, that seems to be a big red flag.

Are you able to seek help with a therapist or counselor?  I know that right now, you feel very pressured to make a big decision and either completely give up on your ex-husband or start a completely different new life with this other person, but I don’t think rushing into making a quick decision to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of not knowing is the right answer.

In fact, it may help you to lean into your feelings of loneliness, discomfort, guilt, etc. and try to investigate (to the best of your ability) how and why you are feeling the things you are.  Try to get more in tune with your body, your intuition, and your feelings.  Ask yourself some hard questions:  what are you looking for in a partner?  how do you want to be treated? what types of characteristics in a person do you admire and why?  what actions and words coming from a partner make you feel the most seen, heard, and valued?

I know being alone and feeling lonely is hard and it hurts a lot, but try to remember there are so many other people out there right now going through similar situations– not everyone has their romantic life perfectly sorted out and so you definitely aren’t alone even though it can sometimes feel like it.  Some feelings are very difficult to sit with and it’s natural that you want to escape them and to not feel them, but they won’t actually hurt you.  It will just be uncomfortable as you learn to sit with them.

You deserve love, you deserve acceptance, you deserve a partner who sees and hears you, you deserve a partnership in which you feel comfortable and safe expressing yourself, your needs, your wants, and your thoughts.  Only you can parse through the details of the relationship and each person that you are drawn to and start to make decisions based off of what is best for you.

I get the feeling that you are feeling pressured to make a quick decision and to do something for someone else’s benefit…but you clearly got yourself away from this relationship for a reason.  Before quickly just jumping back into it, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time and space to feel through this.  It’s hard, but you can do it– try to feel your way through it rather than think your way through.

I hope that this helps you a bit– please let me know if I can help further and I would be happy to!

Amy