Also, I just wanted to add awareness has really helped me get in touch with my spiritual side. I am not that good at meditating, but I find when I am able to string together five or ten breaths where I am continuously listening to sounds I become more clearheaded and balanced. I think balance is important, especially in spiritual progress. You can also learn a lot by reading. “Nothing Special” by Charlotte Joko Beck, “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Branch, and “The Art of Living” by Epictetus are some of the books that have helped me the most.

Hi Sunseeker1,

Maybe instead of focusing on wanting to make new friends (which you can always try to do!) you can instead start focusing on yourself so that you love to be alone. It doesn’t matter if you are fat, or black. You can always love yourself. I like to make a list of things about myself that I want to change or improve, and then to create steps or strategies I can take toward achieving that goal. And then go out and take the first step! Appreciate the ability to be able to get better, to move forward.

Depression is often a sign that you are not letting go of something that you should be moving on from. If it is your ex-boyfriend that is making you depressed and preventing you from moving on, I often like to focus on the things they do that we usually block to make the person into someone better than they actually are, our idealization of them. Focusing on these instead of pining after the things you miss can help you start to move forward. Sometimes moving forward may be gradual, and sometimes it may seem so rapid it is overwhelming. But it is important that we try not to look back at things we cannot change. Instead, as Anita wrote, focus on the things you can control. And I think you may find more positive changes you begin to make in yourself the more the more other people will want to be around you.

Also, I just want to suggest perhaps focusing on other people instead of yourself. I only started to move forward from some issues that were holding me back when I started to trying to help other people. You say you have one girlfriend. What can you to help her? Or is there someone at work you can do a nice thing for? As the Dalai Lama XIV said, “We are visitors on this planet. We are here for one hundred years at the very most. During that period we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives. If you contribute to other people’s happiness, you will find the true meaning of life.”

Hey Steph,

I was reading a book on anxiety called “Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks” and the author made a few good suggestions. First, the next time you feel anxiety, to just pause and ask, “So what?” Is the issue this big of a deal for how it is making you feel? Second, use the anxiety to excite you. You are living! Next, instead of running from the anxiety, sort of fall into it, allow yourself to feel it. And then go and do something that you love. If there isn’t something that you love to do, just the search for finding a passion can be a lot of fun. I think the combo of not letting it overwhelm you and then losing yourself helps yourself to move on from what is making you anxious.

It’s good that you can be by yourself. You don’t need a guy to make you happy. A lot of time other people can sort of obscure ourselves from who we really are. Since you have some time on your own, perhaps make a list of things you want to change about yourself and goals that you have, and then choosing one and thinking of a first step you can take to begin moving toward that goal today. The feeling of progress and hope will help with the anxiety.

Also, I find that helping other people helps me when I am feeling low. I can think about the good things that I am doing instead of the things about myself and my life that I wish was different. Even if your life sucks, you can still make other people’s lives better!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Mark.

Hi Aks,

You know that you want both your parents and your boyfriend in your life. Perhaps instead of planning on one big talk or letter to change everything, change could be a gradual process. Think about it from your parents’ perspective: this way of understanding life that they have known ever since they were young is being challenged. What could be the best ways to see from their perspective, and then let them know your’s, and then search for the similarities in the perspectives? Maybe you can begin there. Perhaps both sides could make small changes to produce big change.

Some of it sounds like it is beyond tradition. Some of it seems like personality conflicts. Perhaps it would help to know that your parents and boyfriend don’t have to get along, or even see each other that much, but if they love you they can make you happy by simply not talking or complaining about the other person.

Hi Miracle88,

I don’t know exactly what you are going through, but I have felt the same way as you. I know what it likes to feel hopeless.  Even if you are feeling horribly, you can still can still create hope. You are still so young.

When I was going through something similar, reading and learning new things really helped me to get out of my own mind. Duolingo is a great way to strengthen your mind while not thinking about your problems. I was doing it at a bar last night and the combination of the atmosphere, alcohol, and learning really made me feel a whole lot better.

There are also a lot of books that can help. I would recommend “Nothing Special” by Charollote Joko Beck, “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Branch, and “The Art of Living: The Classic Manual on Virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness” by Epictetus and Sharom Lebell are all books that helped me when I was struggling.

Hi Elise,

That’s good advice about asking the group what about your performance they don’t like and how you can do better. If they are being mean, I would just quit. I know the position seems important now, but it probably won’t make much a difference on any opportunities in your future.

Something that may help you: I don’t talk to anyone from my high school anymore. I wasted countless hours in high school worrying about what people thought about me. It made me sort of miserable. And now I barely even remember them.

High school is an important time to realize who you are, but you are surrounded by so many other teenagers who are confused about who they are. Some of them are probably very mean and feel better about themselves when other people feel bad. Try to stay away from those people. Being popular or well-liked is overrated. Even more important is that you like yourself.

Hey Eliana,

Something that has really helped me is imagining the person I am talking to is my best friend. Also, thinking of a favorite person or memory can put me in a better frame of mind when I am down. Perhaps if you try a few strategies like these, they may start to counteract your urge to hurt people, which has its roots in something. All these unwanted emotions we carry has a source that we need to explore and move beyond.