Hi Mina,

You say that you don’t have any personal dreams. You can always dream! Decide on what is most important to you and create steps that will allow you to achieve it. Move closer toward that goal each day and take the time to appreciate the feeling of progress. You say you want to start a family and become a housewife. What type of partner do you want? Where would you be most likely to meet that person? Then, how can you become the type of person who you love, who a partner would love? I just read in an article that the greatest inheritance parents can pass on to a child is a happy relationship. Do you think you could be in a relationship that could survive 50 or 60 years of your child’s life in a way that is only good for him or her right now? If not, what do you still need to work on?

And you are only 19! I think a lot of people on this board would do almost anything to be nineteen again. You have so much time to settle down. Instead of stressing on what is missing, love being nineteen (but also be careful, too)! Go find the guy of your dreams and create the life you want. Focus on all the possibilities!

Hey Dereck,

I thought maybe I could offer a few suggestions that might help. Gradually weaning off the alcohol until you are at a level you can feel good about in the morning might help your motivation. Going to work with a fresher perspective could help you focus on the good you are doing in your work rather than thinking about just getting through the day. You said you learned that helping people can make you feel better… how could you help someone at work? Even just a compliment or a unasked favor could really brighten someone’s day, and sometimes even change a life. Then you can leave work focused on the good you did instead of dreading slogging through another eight hours tomorrow.

You say you get a lot of anxiety, and especially when you think about change. Lately I have been taking the advice from DARE: A New Approach to Ending Anxiety, and use that initial jolt of anxiety to get excited, not fall into it with fear as I used to. Fear fuels anxiety and makes it grow larger, but excitement can overtake the anxiety. You are living life, you are growing, when you feel anxiety. Let it allow you to grow.

Focus on the positives of change, on all the possibilities, not on criticisms. Don’t fuel criticisms by arguing or responding. Consider the criticisms, take the parts that could help you improve into the person you want to be, and forget about the rest. Decide who that person is that you want to become and try to move toward that person each day. Progress is a lot better to think about than anxiety or stagnancy.

Hi Jess,

I heard depression is a sign that you are holding on to something that you should move on from? Is there anything in your life that you can think of that might answer that question?

One good piece of advice I got was not to be around people who cause you negativity. Do you enjoy being around your best friend? If not, perhaps try to talk to her and be honest about how you feel. If she continues to make you feel bad, maybe it is time to consider taking a break or even ending the relationship.

Lately I have been happier focusing on my own self-development. If you are happy with yourself, then anything other people do won’t affect you as much. I cannot control the way other people act toward me sometimes, but I can control my own self-progress. I like to make a list of things I’d like to change or that I want to have happen and then focus on one, decide on the best first step, and then take that first step. Feel the progress, feel the hope. Try to focus on the possibilities instead of what is bothering you.

Hi LoghanJ,

It sounds like you are in the opposite situation as some people on this board. You love two different men, and it sounds like they both love you, too. That’s pretty lucky. It sounds like you are feeling uncertain and maybe a little guilty because your relationship with your husband has reached a plateau, and now you are starting have feelings for a co-worker you dated two years before. This longing for this guy and having to see him everyday is making you feel depressed.

You shouldn’t feel bad about having feelings for other people than your husband, especially since you went through some tough times with him. Lately I have been trying to take a step back from the drama in life and look at it from a more neutral, lighthearted perspective. Yes, this relationship drama is going on in my life, but I am happy with other aspects of my life, with myself. I think if you are happy with the way you are living your life then everything else is sort of water off your back. Is there anything else about the way you are living that you wish you could change? I heard depression is a sign you are not moving on from something. You might want to make a list of things you want to change, choose one, and work toward a goal. That first step toward it is a great feeling. That’s progress, improvement, and I love that feeling.

Anyway, I just wanted to hopefully infuse some hope into the situation. There’s a lot of possible things you can do. Choose the one that will bring you the most happiness (I think you probably know what that is), and then try to decide a sequence of events that will cause the least amount of pain for both men (and yourself). Good luck!

Meditation can help you let go of the past, but you can also create possibilities for yourself. You say you have no hope for the future, but you can create hope. What do you want to do? What kind of person do you want to become? You could make a list of things you want to change or have happen, choose the one that seems most important, and then decide on a first step you can do today. That’s progress, that’s hope. And then tomorrow you can do the next step.

Hi sunseeker,

I think the thing to do is look forward. You don’t have to keep holding on to the past. You don’t have to hold on to this image of yourself. You could even forget about yourself. Focus on what you love and hope. You are only 36. You still have so long to meet someone to spend your life with.

If you are having trouble concentrating mindful meditation can really improve your focus. I think the trick is continuous stretches of sound. When we are actively listening we are present, but when stop listening we tend to sink into our own worlds, and if we don’t like ourselves, those worlds can become very dark. Try to find more ways to shine more light into that world. Awareness helps to do that.

Also, I wanted to suggest maybe going to churches and sort of “scoping out” the church for potential friends or partners. I know a lot of churches have those after-mass get together or monthly dinners. Even if you don’t meet a friend or partner, maybe someone will can introduce you to someone who would be a good match.

Hi Zoe,

I read somewhere the way to deal with group power is to try to take the group apart so that you can work with each individual. Perhaps instead of looking at them as an entire group, you can try talking to the individuals to see if there is anything that you can do (professionally) to make work better for yourself. Maybe you can even go out of your way to help out on a work task or send a funny email so they see you in a different way. Hopefully you can begin fading out of the drama and into the promise of a better job instead of being locked in there.