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Allison

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  • January 8, 2015 at 8:01 pm #70930
    Allison
    Participant

    Sorry guys but allow me to get more things off my chest.

    I went through emotional and physical abuse growing up that shaped up the kind of relationship I have with my family now. My reluctance to spend time with them is not something I’m doing because I want to spite them, it is honestly how I feel. Despite it, I’m consciously making an effort to maintain a relationship, but I wish my parents understand it won’t be the kind of relationship as if the abuse never happened.

    Moving out of the house, having a distance, and being financially independent really help because my parents don’t understand the concept of boundaries, privacy, or kids having their own lives. My mom used to read my diaries (instead of actually have a talk) and chastised me for what I wrote in there. Everything is about fear, shame, or guilt. When I first got my period, the only thing she told me was “you better don’t get pregnant!”. One time she found my stash of (ahem) adult materials, she told me she got rid of it and said to me “I’m on to you,” and since then every time I was reading something, she’d suspiciously ask “what are you reading?”. Funny thing is, later I found one of those adult materials in her nightstand. Gross.

    And growing up, what I had to say never had any bearings whatsoever on my parents. Still don’t actually. One of the biggest beefs I have is about our dogs. We never had dogs until my house was broken into one day. My dad then bought a couple of mongrels to guard the house. That was one of the happiest days of my life. They became my best friends until they grew old or too much to handle and my dad would get rid of them. Just took them and put them on the street like they were nothing. My dogs never saw a vet a day in their lives, my dad just doesn’t spend that kind of money on pets. One of them developed this skin disease and I just knew my dad would get rid of him. I was so stressed and felt so helpless, I was in 6th grade, had no money to get him to the vet, and when my dad was loading him to his car I mustered my courage, I was shaking, fighting back my tears so my dad won’t see it and made my case. I didn’t beg, I was like a businessman lobbying an investor. I pinpointed all the benefits of keeping the dog and I lied through my teeth that his skin was healing. And I succeeded. Well, at least for a few months. He still got rid of him in the end.

    When I finally won the golden ticket and move out of the country, I left behind a dog. I knew they were gonna get rid of him one day, still I tried to talk to them like an adult this time. In one of my weekly phone calls, I told my mom please take care of my dog and don’t get rid of him, it would mean so much to me. She said okay. Then few months later when they visited me, my mom casually mentioned that they’d got rid of the dog. I cried my ass off that night. And the next week, my mom called me like nothing happened, telling me she was planning a family trip to Thailand and wanted me to join. Fresh off my anger and feeling like there is no point in concealing my disappointment, I simply said I don’t want to. The next day, she texted me saying she cried last night because she felt like I was pulling away. Funny thing is, she acted as if she didn’t understand why I was doing this. Umm, hellooo???

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Allison.
    January 8, 2015 at 6:15 pm #70916
    Allison
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies!

    It seems to me that from both your replies, I’m actually on the right track. I guess I just need some affirmation along the way.

    What triggered me to write this post was I had to attend a friend’s wedding over the weekend (in my home country), and I deliberated whether or not to tell my family but in the end I decided to tell them. I was thinking of meeting them over lunch / dinner but my mom right away said she was gonna get a room in the same hotel as mine. She said I don’t necessarily have to see her, she just wanted to relax in a nice hotel over the weekend. I mean, come on…(This is not the first time she did this, btw. I had to go back for a wedding in 3 occasions, and in those occasions, she suddenly got a room in the same hotel as mine).

    So I was thinking, alright, never mind, I have to be grateful I have a mother who wants to be close to me, right? So I told her she could stay with me in my room. All the while, I was talking to my sister (the only person I have least problem with). She was supportive of me and I was under the impression that she was going to stay with us. So when I found out she wasn’t, and that my mom planned to get my dad and adult brother to stay in the same hotel room intended only for 2 person, that was the last straw!

    I am pushing 30 and I am NOT going to have a sleepover with my parents and adult brother! It’s just too much, I really need my space at the very least when I sleep at night. So I lied to her at the last minute and said one of my friend couldn’t find a room and I offered her to stay with me. I was in a dump after this whole episode, I was angry and sad that she chose to be in denial and just went ahead with whatever she wanted even though I’m sure she got the hints, and I’m angry that I feel forced to lie to her because she’d much rather be in denial. I know she’s doing this because I think she feels guilty that she was distant and checked out when we were growing up and she’s trying to make up for it somehow, but we are all adults now. Those moments she missed out would never come back and that’s the consequences she has to live with. Why can’t she see things for what it is instead of what could have been and start living in reality??

    Wheww, feels so good to get it off my chest.

    January 7, 2015 at 10:06 pm #70879
    Allison
    Participant

    Hi,

    I know how helpless you can feel in these situations, especially knowing the only person who can make a difference is your mother herself. My suggestion is, stop having a mindset of trying to do something to fix / help / heal her. You are setting yourself up for a lot of heartaches, disappointments, and feeling like a failure if you try to do what can only be done by herself. I know you want her to get better but that often makes you anxious and cloud your mind. As hard as this sounds, let that go for a moment and just go through the motion. Every second that she doesn’t want to kill herself is a success!

    About visiting her, I don’t know how long she’ll be in the hospital but if it’s only for a day or two, I’d wait till she gets home. Being in a hospital among strangers and unfamiliarity could create a stressful environment and makes her feel like being put on the spot. Basically, give her time and space to recover from her emotions as counter-intuitive as it might sound right now.

    Good Luck!

    April 3, 2014 at 11:12 pm #54158
    Allison
    Participant

    Thanks, Barbara, for your kind words.

    I love my parents but I think they don’t know that to this day I still cry when I think of all my dogs that they’ve abandoned. What happened to them? Where did they sleep at night? Were they able to find something to eat? Since some of them would’ve been dead by now, where did they die? How did they die? and so on, and so on. Sometimes I even fantasize that one day I’d run into them on the street and be reunited, even though I know how impossible that is.

    About that farm dog, Gosh I know the feeling! That feeling of helplessness especially since we are still young with no resources whatsoever, and our hearts are just aching but all the adults whom we are told we can count on just fail us. Believe it or not, you are the first person to ever share the same pain!

    About the shelter…I’ll see what I can do, I just need some input and perspective from outsiders to plan my next move.

    Regards,
    Allison

    April 1, 2014 at 8:54 pm #53987
    Allison
    Participant

    Hi Allan,

    It’s not a city shelter, it’s a private one. We have SPCA here which is sort of the ‘official’, government-endorsed animal group but it is well-known for its culling / euthanasia practice. There are many small private rescue groups because of this. These groups have a no-kill policy and focus on re-homing those animals, much like the shelter you’re volunteering for, it seems. Problem is, they’re usually so small that they don’t really need volunteers. It’s like volunteering on Thanksgiving, it’s the last thing they need.

    I chose my current shelter because they’re the biggest private shelter and I figured they needed as many help as they could get. However, it is so disorganized and I always feel somewhat uneasy / unwelcome there. There’s so much hostility.

    Once, this dog was following me as I was leaving the shelter and I was just about to pick him up to bring him back to the shelter when this guy told me not to. He then proceeded to yell at the dog very loudly, screaming at him telling him to go back inside. It went on for a few minutes but the dog was just stalling, keeping his head down throughout. It ended when someone else help coaxing the dog in. It was so ineffective and upsetting for everyone involved.

    Out of curiosity, how’s the organization like in your shelter? How do you handle visitors / volunteers / contributions?

    April 1, 2014 at 8:17 pm #53986
    Allison
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine, yes I love, love dogs. Can’t imagine life without them. Alas, it is the kind of life I’m living right now.

    I think I’m innately a dog person but this trait was aggravated by traumatic childhood experience. My parents don’t share the same appreciation and they only keep them for the purpose of guarding the house. They would always get mongrels (they’re free or cheap) and when they’re deemed to be difficult / have outgrown their purpose, my parents would abandon them on the street without checking in with me and my siblings first. The last time they abandoned our dog it was because he was scratching my dad’s precious new car (dogs get excited, for example when you come home they’d stand on their hind legs to greet you but they can’t always maintain their balance and would end up leaning on something, in this case, it was my dad’s car and they’d accidentally scratch on it). So, off he went to the street.

    This happened so many times that I think it was the overwhelming guilt that drove me towards rescue dogs. It will always be rescue dogs for me. (Don’t get me wrong, I think I’d still love dogs had those things not happened to me but the intensity of my passion would’ve been different).

    I totally agree with you, the loyalty dogs have towards their master is mind-boggling regardless how they treat them. My sister adopted a dog when I was already out of the country, he’s a Dalmatian-mongrel mix. He was later also abandoned on the street by my parents but somehow found his way back. Never once has he exhibited resentment and anger towards my parents. He’s so sweet and oblivious, just happy to be reunited with his masters.

    I’m so glad to read about how happy you are with your dogs, I know the feeling. I, too consider them my ‘kids’. And I know how smart they can be. I once had a mongrel. One day I went to a nearby convenient store and he followed me. I was worried he’d follow me into the store or start barking on / attacking people but to my surprise he didn’t. Instead, he sat quietly next to where I had parked my bike. Just quietly guarded it like a Sphinx. He didn’t even bark on people who were walking around him (he usually did). He never had any training whatsoever, he just did that intuitively and I just felt this unbelievable connection to him, as if he understood my worries and just behaved perfectly.

    I have actually found a dog, he’s the one I’m currently sponsoring. He’s just this sweet adorable little troublemaker. He’s the only thing that keeps me from cutting ties with this shelter completely but lately it has just been so hard. I truly wish I could adopt him but I can’t see that happening anytime soon. I haven’t seen him in more than a year now. I miss him terribly but I remember the feeling every time I’m back from the shelter, it’s like I’m mentally exhausted. The dogs are great, it’s the people who are a bit of a pill.

    Thanks for the input about charity. I just have to wrap my head around it. I really don’t feel like continuing but there’s that guilt and shame that’s eating away at me. I have some more pondering to do, it seems.

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