O my god, thank all of you people for all those responds! I don’t even know where to start. I’m probably going to be sort of chaotic (with English not being my first language especially) but I hope I will explain everything.
I know 100 percent – I don’t want to be an architect. I think I always knew that – but my father is a really strict men and I did’t have enough courage to go my own way. I don’t want to be in that field at all. I am studying at University of Technology so everything is much more technical.
I feel like I jumped to that architecture train and when I finish I will have to start from zero or do something architecture-ich.
Even when I was teenager I was always forcing myself to do things. My father always has been telling me that it’s not like I don’t like something, I am just not good at it yet. That I can force myself to like things. And that was the way I was living all my life. Always second guessing myself, not trusting my feelings.
And my life right now is just surviving. University, projects, 4/5 hours of sleep. And my projects are really bad, I’m the worst in the group. And nothing more really. I have never been in love, I don’t have real friends. I don’t want to go anywhere, when I have some time I just want to go to sleep. And I feel like a liar, like I’m not myself.
I could (maybe) just finish, like my family wants me to do. But really, it’s just disappearing for 1,5 year. I am having dreams of dying and then regreting not even living.
But having that paper gives me sense of security. But again, I don’t want to work in that field at all.
When I had my year off I was drawing like crazy, I do love that. But I need some time to get better at it. I am afraid I’m not going to make it in arts but again, people who make it take that risk and invest themselves in that fully.
I don’t know, I am constantly changing my mind. Before I was questioning my love for art, that is really my ego and that it is stupid, I could do something on a side. But right now it’s getting more and more serious (I’m getting older and actually feel really old) and I am in my architecture train and getting far away from what I want. I also feel kind of crazy, because what if I could just force myself more, maybe I actually like it, maybe I would die without that diploma?? It’s just 1,5 year. I could wait with life till then.
Ok, let’s make it clear – I know, that I hate it here, should I stay for the sake of having getting a degree and then look for something else or should I just dropout right now and not waste any more time?