IIt just seems that it is PTSD, he’s never acted tthis way and I really am struggling with it. He’s always been controlling, has no patience and could be a little abrupt at times, but not like this, this is something entirely different! He is so so distant, he used to be so sweet and kind and would always say i miss you, would always say i love you, would make sure I was ok and would call me as much as he could. Now there’s absolutely nothing, we struggling to have a conversation on the phone, he’s always in a rush to be doing other things, if its anything serious we have to talk about then that is a definite no go area. I’ve been sending him links for houses that he could be interested I’ve said to him could you please let me know which ones you like . .It’s been a week and I’ve heard nothing from him in regards to any house. I’m too scared to bring things up incase the reaction he will have. I am so tired I feel so pathetic, I feel like I’m begging him to love me! I went and bought him some gifts online to cheer him up and got them delivered to the house, he said thank you and seemed so hapoy with them and that was it 5 mins of joy. Then it was the same again when we went to say good night..we couldn’t speak, he was tired. This morning I was very busy at work and had managed to send at least one message. Usually hed send me lovely messages, his message today was about him cooking breakfast, and that he is making a coffee and etc.. that was all. Nothing else ..and I am just so fed up of giving his behaviour excuses all the damn time! And I just lost it.. I really don’t think i can do this anymore  I stuck by him for 5 months went and fought through depression on my own and I was getting better actually no I got better ! Since he left my home town .. it’s been hell, have had suicidal thoughts nearly every night now and I don’t know how to cope anymore I really don’t, I’ve literallt just sent a message asking to leave me alone for now and that his behaviour is killing us!

I don’t deserve this ..what have I done to him to deserve it .. 🙁 please help me someone

I started to take Evening Primrose oil and WOW, it really helped me, i saw my period on sunday and i only had minor cramping and hardly any mood swings, but i did however have my usual cravings for crisps and chocolate lol

Blessings

Hello there Isabel

Thank you for your reply 🙂

My Reiki Healer also teaches Reiki and it is something i may be interested in the near future in doing.

Each time i have a reiki healing session it is completely and utterly different, one week i felt a very fast swirling right under my belly button ( in the womb area) and it was very strange. The next time i felt like a heaviness on my chest and it was going towards my throat and it felt like it needed to get out, i felt a little anxious and then i felt calm. So many strange yet wonderful feelings and i truly believe it has helped me.

I tried countless psychologists, Councillors and psychiatrists and it didnt help me, i found it so painful opening up my past over and over again, of course each one gave me reasons and explanations as to why i felt the way i did and why i act the way i act and insightful information but nothing i felt that could help me. I find Reiki truly has helped me with my insomnia and my anxiety. I was on xanax and sleeping tablets to get through the day and to be able to sleep at night as i was suffering from constant nightmares, night sweats, depression and severe anxiety. My depression still comes in phases as does my anxiety, but nothing like how i used to suffer.

Blessings and love

Hey there Anita,

Good to hear from you again 🙂 I’ve been logging my symptoms and it seems to happen to me every month, I cannot say that im down for the whole 2 weeks, it could be one day i feel awful and then the next 3 days ill feel awful again agter feeling somewhat normal.

Blessings

Hello Anita

Yes i see a lot of your posts here, tid bits here and there about your childhood and things you have gone through, i guess i need to read more to truly know who you are as at the moment i still feel i dont know you well enough to put a trait to you. What i know is that your genuine, straight to the point, a deep thinker, stern but nice and caring. I hope i got some of these right? 🙂

You opened up a very good question here and i really liked it. do we honestly know who people are? Some can say that they do and some people can say that they dont. I have been with my partner for 3 going on 4 years now, i know all those basic surface things. i;e his voice, his touch, his favourite colour, his favourite foods etc..Living with him and trying to get to know him as much as possible, as it isn’t the easiest when people aren’t an open book. I know what makes him happy; When we are out doing things together ( shopping, going for a coffee), when we go to the gym and train together, hes happy when hes a cooking a lovely meal for us, hes happy when he buys me things and cant wait till i come home to try things on, hes happy when i am confident with my self, not only inner confidence but also confident with my body and my face ( which isnt all that often) , hes happy when his son comes round and he see’s us all together as a family, When he decides that he wants to call his parents ( unfortunately not often) he is so happy after that phone call, there is many more. I also know underneath his macho exterior hes kind and caring, ive seen him when he tries to save little birds that have got caught in the green house. or to the little hedgehogs that come into our yard. When i am ill he will come and look after me with such tenderness and kindness. Again under his macho exterior he is also emotional, he suppresses all of these emotions i think also because hes a man and because of his childhood, i have seen him cry a few times regarding us and his son. He does however have a horrible side to him as i think we all do, hes very impatient, likes things his way and only his way, hes controlling, manipulative, jealous and can sometimes be a little insensitive to others needs. Sometimes i feel he would rather hurt someone than get hurt by others again. He carries so much emotional baggage from the past, and i wish he would make that step to sort his head out for his sake and everyone around him. Ive told him to go counselling as its free for him where he works and he wont go.. i just wish there is a way i can show him that its not a bad thing to go and seek help and that it will help him so much in the long run.

Despite humans flaws, we tend to overlook them and try to weigh out the good and bad, and like i know myself when the bad outweigh the good, its time to leave. Seems like ive unpacked and not leaving and i hope my stubbornness will in the end go towards my favour, if not..well i guess i will have learnt a MASSIVE lesson.

Blessings

Dear Anita

Yes i guess, i am scared after all this self care and love and healing i have done to get to the good mental state i am in now it will all blow up in my face. The fact that i will need the strength to say NO to something that i know may be detrimental to my mental health. I say this because i am scared that his application may not go through and i ll have to wait for another year and go back.. i cant do it, i know i will crumble and go back to being depressed.

Blessings

Hello Mepina

Thank you for such a detailed post to me, i appreciate it 🙂 Again sorry for not replying sooner, as i told Anita i just needed to take a break for myself.

”i think you already understand the paradox of this phrase: if things were ok, you wouldn’t have nightmares, you wouldn’t feel low. Our bodies and our emotions try their best to warn us when something is not going well. We, with our minds and all the wounds and insecurities, we tend to stick to situations and we ignore all the red flags, all the signs.”

Yes it was evidently not ok, the time i went back i had no trust in anyone not even in myself, i felt betrayed, i felt sick i just felt awful. I honestly felt like nothing. It was my determination to make things better again that i tried to suppress all those feelings and pretend to be ok. Hence the not sleeping at all, severe depression and the constant nightmares.

”Just out of my curiosity: do you REALLY want the whole proposal-marriage-living-for-ever-with-him plan? Just imagine that his application is successful and within some months he moves to your country and you start living together and you get married. Close your eyes and bring yourself to that exact moment: waking up in the morning with him by your side.
Do you feel happiness and calmness and a feeling that all are right? Is everything fine and you just feel incredibly with this idea? Do you trust and support fully this man lying there next to you? Do you feel you can also depend on him and you are living as a team now, in harmony? Are the depression and the nightmares gone? Are you happy?
Or that image brings you a kind of anxiety, an agony, a weird feeling of incompleteness like a goal never to be reached or a sense of instability and a burn in your stomach?”

This is the complicated thing Mepina, when things are good between us things cant be anymore beautiful, when a week goes by and we havent fought our days just flow so beautifully. We are kind to one another, we are romantic, we listen to one another. I dont want to sound like im the perfect one in the relationship as i am not, but it seems like he is the one to break that ”normality” and become abrupt when work becomes more stressful or if he has something to do, or when he wants to be on his own and im inconveniently there. It just comes to an abrupt halt, into which i get angry and frustrated and then the fights begin. The answer to your question is yes i can imagine waking up to him in the morning, i can see me married to him. I am scared of course i am of what could happen, and my obvious trust issues can be crippling, but i have always had trust issues. Every man i have been with has cheated on me however pathetic this may sound, do i have to wait for years and years till i find someone that wont cheat? I am not saying im settling because i may not find a man that wont cheat on me, but these trust issues will be with me for most probably the rest of my life. The nightmares have gone, the anger is still somewhat there not as much so, but the sadness is there too but its gotten better. These months apart has made me learn a lot about myself and the need to heal myself. Who knows maybe when we meet again things may all fall apart, but this time when they do i wont be running back to accommodate his feelings and soul, i will be there to help mine.

Kindest Regards