Hello Anita,

I hope you are well.

I am sorry for the delayed and thank you for the very in depth reply. I have read all you have written quite a few times to take it all in.

I understand when you say we BOTH need help, i completely agree with this and i have on numerous times asked him that we go together for couples counselling but he regards it as silly and that if i was just ”happy” then ”we” wouldn’t be an issue. It seems that i am always the issue because i am never just happy with what i have. I sometimes believe this to be true and i think to myself why am i not happy ? I have a roof over my head, food on the table and stable job, but is all this meant to make me happy with in myself? Is it because i dont love myself yet, is it because i feel no love? So many questions that i feel are un-answered because i feel that i bottle everything up as i cannot express how i feel to him. I dont express these emotions to my family as they always have biased views and state that i need to come home.

I see how my childhood traumas come to light in my adulthood 100%; the need for acceptance and admiration, the fear of rejection and abandonment and would do anything to achieve acceptance and admiration and would do anything to prevent rejection even if it means im hurting myself i.e. staying in a situation that does not benefit me.

I do believe that i have helped him with his struggles i.e. not having a connection with his son or family and i slowly slowly have made him feel comfortable with this. He now has a lovely blossoming relationship with his son and more of a relationship with his family too. I feel being with me has made him a little more humble to others around him and to situations, this may just be down to the fact i have just ”rubbed” off on him. I know i have not helped him with his ongoing issues mentally, maybe i worded what i had said wrong as you are right he has not changed nor have i helped him ”mentally”.

I am very tired Anita, i am tired of wanting things to happen, wanting to, as you said to stop hurting one another and to help one another in a healthy way, but this does not seem to happen. I wish we could just sit down as adults and talk it through, but i know this will not happen, even in quarantine. The truth scares me, i know when you are with someone they are meant to bring out the best in you… i haven’t felt my best in a very long time, but my love for him and the amount of love and determination i have put into this relationship to actually make it work, sometimes does stop me from walking away to focus on myself.

I can get professional help, but how does this help us? It helps me and he will not go, so it doesn’t help us. I know throughout all my posts everyone has stated the obvious. He is not the one and you need to focus on yourself.

I will adhere to what you have said and take a humble approach and attitude during these times; it is very hard however, like you have stated above i feel unsafe and that i do! He hasnt been here for such a long time, and is going away again as he has to replace someone who’s family has been struck with virus, so another 3 months till i see him again as of next week. A very stressful time for me too, as i have no one here and i will be going to work as i am classified as a key worker. Again the worry if anything happens to me, ill be all alone again and with the lock down, no one to even come round to the house.

I also think my expectations were set to high and my visions of where id be as a 31 year old have not matched to where i thought id be now… and this comparison makes me feel low…

Sorry for rambling Anita

x

Thank you Peggy,

I have a journal..i will start to write how i feel and write down those 3 things. Hopefully this will help.

Thank you again x

Hello there Anita,

”proceeding into  the disordered eating you described in your new thread.. how can this possibly be an easier life?” So are you saying the way my relationship has been is the cause of my disordered eating? How so?

Thank you Anita for always trying to help as much as you can to the best of your abilities and i am trying to understand a lot of what you are saying, could be that i havent had my coffee yet or that it is still quite early but i am struggling to understand what it all means.. especially this ”Maybe you get that from her, putting yourself first”

Anxiously awaiting your response

x

Hi K,

So sorry for the late reply, work has been so hectic this week i have not found any spare time to reply. Thank you so much for your in depth reply. Yes i can totally relate to everything you have said however, i have never tried to make myself sick, i find the whole retching gagging process painful. It will sometimes get to the point where i would have been good all day, come home and then binge eat everything relatively unhealthy that i have at home, or eat too much of it. Then of course comes the overwhelming sense of guilt and punishment. I too have body dysmorphia, i will look at myself in pictures and cringe and think i am so fat, when others cant see that.

Thank you for letting me know about higher weight anorexia, i have never heard of this and will do a little bit of research on it too. The fact that it is uncommon makes me feel that i am whinging for no reason, no one will get me and no one does to be honest, I am not necessarily fat but i am most definitely thin!

It is very exhausting and i truly am mentally exhausted and i have reached a plateau with my weight and my motivation has gone downhill with my negative thinking, self criticism and constant punishment. I will wake up in the morning and if i do not go to the gym i will have a quick breakfast of eggs and a slice of toast and have a healthy lunch and dinner however, if there are biscuits or anything sweet around ( note that i have just eaten and still feel hungry) i will eat it and excuse myself for eating such as; i have had such a rough day i deserve it. I may eat 4 biscuits and feel so so bad and then come home eat a good dinner and eat too many almonds, or scoff too many calories than i should. Even just going through this with you has caused me stress, i am so sorry you are going through this too. x

Dear Anita

I dont know anymore, i dont think theres much more to be done. He will never change and i have a strange  addiction to this man, and i dont know why. I think it stems very very deep as to why i cant let go of someone whos obviously not good for me

Dear Anita

Its been 4 months now that i overcame depression, only now has depression begun to creep in and out.

Blessings