Exact same experience here. I’ve been googling relationship advice for the past few months looking for hints to justify my breakup, but the pain hasn’t subsided. I’ve never commented on any stories, but this thread that’s spanned 4 years was the first out of all self-help articles to give me hope. Hope that even if I don’t find anyone close to comparable with him, I can still be happy.

I broke up with my boyfriend mid-January after a 4-year relationship, because I had developed feelings for another guy. It wasn’t the first occurrence either, but I had gotten over my infatuation previously, as it only lasted for a few months. This time however, my boyfriend had gone back to his hometown to visit his parents, and I was still trying in vain to find a job after graduation. I was alone, partied, had alcohol, and did something that tore my soul apart. My boyfriend wanted to video chat with me the next day, but I just couldn’t meet his eyes. After a few minutes, I had to abruptly end the call and burst into tears.

I didn’t know what to reply to his messages, and felt unworthy of his attention. He started getting worried about why I wasn’t responding, and finally sent me a long message asking if I wanted to break up with him. He said he had imagined a future with me, but wouldn’t stop me if I decided he wasn’t the one. He said he would try not to ask why, and would respect my decision.

I had wanted to wait until he came back to tell him face to face, but his message expedited the process. I broke up with him through video chat.

He called me later that night making one last attempt to reconcile, where I told him I wanted to break up because “I needed time to be with myself”. He scoffed and asked:” Do you need time to be with yourself or to be with other people?”. I broke down and told him “Yes that’s exactly right, I need to be with other people.” That was the closest I could get to telling him the truth without breaking whatever we had left.

He didn’t call again after that. He messaged a few times, to which I replied distantly. I was adamant about breaking up (at the time), and I did not want to give him any hopes of reconciliation. I even moved out of our shared apartment to live with a friend, so that he could live alone when he returned. He would only be back for a few weeks before relocating to another city anyways.

I started living the single life, attending all social events, but still cried every time alcohol was involved. I had felt all the signs that should have led to a break up (listed on google): my mind was drifting, sex was becoming routine, I preferred spending time with my friends instead of going back home…but I still cried. I cried when I thought about how I could’ve tried to communicate with him more openly about sex, how I could have tried to initiate more physical attention, how I could have been more curious about him as a person and view him as an individual instead of an extension of myself. He had all the traits that I looked for in a boyfriend, loyal, loving, generous, ambitious, hard working, smart.

It’s June now, and 5 months have passed. I sent him a long, heartfelt letter a week ago, after truly thinking about what didn’t work in our relationship, and how I was prepared to change. I wanted to go to his city to see him, but he advised against it saying it wouldn’t be safe with the corona-virus. He said we would meet again after the virus, and for once I felt hopeful.

Then a few days ago, I found that he had a new girlfriend (my classmate’s ex girlfriend). A little ironic, I found out by stalking her social media where she was posting roses and her valentines day gift (Point: Valentines day is February). I felt like Sherlock, putting together the puzzles and pieces. She posted a video of her playing the piano, and I realized that the piano looked like ours (in our shared apartment). The gifts that she showed off were placed on our kitchen countertop. They had started going out early February, right after he came back. She’s now living with him in his new apartment (the floor colorings were the same on their social media).

I felt my whole world was falling apart. Guilt had been eating away at me throughout the year, as I imagined him alone in his new apartment in a new city trying to navigate his new job amidst the quarantine. Now it turns out he had a nice warm body to lavish all his love and attention on. But who am I to blame, when I was the one that pushed him away in the first place?

We met once after breaking up, early February over lunch. He said he had thought about the breakup, and realized I was right, we really weren’t compatible. He liked girls who liked to travel, who were good at math, who liked to play video games. He said that he had gotten used to being taken care of in our relationship, but he actually liked taking care of his significant other. What I’ll never forget though, is when he said:” Anyways, you’re not my type. I like girls with whiter skin tone.” At the time, it stung, but I brushed it off as a joke. I thought his reasons were quite well thought out. Now I realize that he was just describing his new girlfriend to me.

I wondered if he ever loved me at all. It didn’t seem to matter who the person was, he just needed someone to be with him. But after countless sleepless nights, I decided that perhaps it was just meant to be. He just wanted to settle down with someone who was willing to settle down with him, while I still wanted to explore my options. He needed someone cute and girly (and with light skin tone!) to fawn over his gifts and flaunt everything on social media. Not me, when I try to keep the room tidy and tell him off for spending too much and avoid over-expensive excursions. It just so happened that he found the right person immediately, and I’ve only been meeting commitment-phobic jobless college boys. Still, I just can’t help feeling like I lost the one person who could’ve treated me like a princess.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me, because I still think about him every day, and I can’t seem to stop. No amount of exercising, re-arranging my room, or studying is helping. But if it takes 2.5 years for me to get over him, then I will wait those years. After which I’ll come back to this thread and post an update on my new life.