Dear Anita,

Thank you for the response. Reading it back I realized that my compulsion for reassurance is coming right through the message. Needing someone to tell me what I am or what all this means, and if an outsider thinks it seems like I truly love my boyfriend. So much on the internet you can find that will tell you which path to take. Whether it’s OCD or an actual repressed feeling no one’s story is truly mine. They have their life experiences and I have mine. I’m just seeking validation and looking for someone with my exact story. All I’ve found are variations because we’re all different I suppose. My sister told me to give into the uncertainty and stop my compulsions so I deleted the internet for now until I recover a bit. It’s like a drug I can’t quit. She says it fuels the fire – and even after one night, I feel better and a bit more clear minded. Those thoughts come but don’t spiral as fast as they did yesterday. She tells me to say “Maybe, maybe not” whenever I have an intrusive thought. Yesterday and this morning were terrible because the only way I felt better after a thought was to research and I couldn’t. Then the ‘maybE, maybe not” made me feel like it was even more true and I was falling in a deeper hole, but throughout the morning, not completely focusing and reading about it I seemed to have calmed down. Of course, I suppose it’s only a matter of time till they pop up again. My whole life I’ve needed to put labels on myself. Whether it was with a physical or mental health condition, and now this. If I don’t get 100% truth I can’t function. I suppose that’s my biggest issue in life. I don’t really watch porn anymore since dating my boyfriend don 12 years. Just doesn’t really interest me as much. I haven’t used to since developing these thoughts either so it’s not a thing of reassurance for me. Just the guilt I feel from those younger days have crept back and are convincing me that this is 100% the case. My feelings and gut arent match my brain. My feelings and gut are saying that I love my boyfriend and I’ve always been attracted to men, and my brain is saying no – you’re living a lie to please everyone and what you did when you were little is the truth. Having all that at the tip of someones fingers at that age is so dangerous. My sister has health with this exact same situation. I just sometimes like to think I’m different because x,y,z.

When I was young , starting in elementary school I went online and accidently found myself looking at naked pictures. I found interest in it and how it made me feel. Kissing and touching and what not. I was young so the idea of penis was scary, I’ve never seen one ever- so I continued watch girl porn. Nothing serious just kissing and what not. Just felt more comfortable since I was so little and no guys had really found interest in me at that age. As I started getting older- I only had crushes on men. Only dreamt of being with a man sexually / romantically. Even watching lesbian porn I never once pictured myself in bed with a woman or in a relationship with one in my head/deep thoughts. I just like the sensual aspect of the porn. The straight porn felt very scary and mean, and honestly very aggressive- almost abusive. I went through highschool and college and developed major crushes on men, but none that ever really sasified me sexually cause they just werent very good at sex tbh. There was never that connection cause I went through a phase of just hookups. Then I had a boyfriend who I loved very much but couldn’t picture myself marrying. I love him but wasn’t in love with him. Then I met my current boyfriend. The man immediately fell in love with. He’s is everything I ever wanted. Perfect in every way. He makes me laugh, he’s loves me, I love being around him and the second he’s gone my heart aches. I’ve been diagnosed with health ocd in the past. Had obsession with stds because I hooked up with someone that gave me one and I never really got over it. Once that past and I moved on and was finally in a happy committed relationship – I developed a uti that never went away. I felt like I had to pee constantly. It sent me down a rabbit hole of major anxiety and depression. When the bladder pain went away, the anxiety would go up. Finally when both seemed to be on the mend I read that chronic pain can occur with deep repressed emotions. So I journaled the things it could be- needing to move, getting closer to god, or being gay. The gay one stuck because of the past porn I watched. Not because I was ever attracted to women. Like I said never had a crush on one, never really even notice them other than the fact some are beautiful and I wish I looked like them. Now I’m convinced I want to look like them because I guess I wanted to be with one, that I never wanted to be with men and secretly I repressed it all and want to be with women. I constantly see women now and picture if I want to be with them. Whenever I try it just doesn’t feel right, and it’s simply just feels so unnatural. Not disgusting because women are beautiful but not what I want. I want my boyfriend, and everything that comes with him good or bad. But why is my brain now suddenly saying that everything I want is a woman now- when never in my life have I thought that? I had a dream my gay uncle told me he always thought I was gay during my obsessive thoughts and now I’m convinced it’s a sign. It all goes back to me thinking maybe I’m gay cause the porn I watched when I was young- but the thing is I don’t even watch that anymore. I watch male on male porn now because I love the way the men look and the noises they make and how animalistic they are. I also watch sensual straight porn now and always focus on the man never the women. But of course my whole life I’ve had this fear people secretly think I’m gay because I was a bit of a Tom boy and what I used to watch. But I grew up and realized that I’ve only ever felt attracted and drawn to men. I look at women’s bodies at the gym but the only think I usually feel is jealousy cause I don’t like my body and want it to look better. I’m a harsh critic and want to be perfect. Then I fear that the reason I want to be perfect now is because my family problems of not having a nuclear family and wanting the perfect life but secretly I was gay and just forced this life I have on myself. At the end of the day I truly am in love with my boyfriend in every way and the thought of losing him makes me me sometimes even not want to live because that’s how much I love him. How can I have these thoughts while being with him? How can I do this to him? It’s constant and I can’t get away from it. I fear I’ll never look at him the same and it’s just getting worse. It pains me cause in my heart and soul I know he’s the person for me till the day I die. Or am I just telling myself that. My big fear is if I’m a lesbian I have to leave him, and if I’m bisexual then what if I live a lie and go my whole life not being at my most happiest truest self? But I know that two months ago before my bladder and anxiety I felt I was my truest happiest self. Someone please help me. I feel I can’t move on each day. I know from my other ocd obsession – my compulsion was searching online for anything relating to the topic. It would consume hours of my day on forums. I ask my sister for reassurance constantly because she has ocd and has gone through similar. I can’t get away from this mental loop.