Thank you everyone, for all your advice and words of wisdom. It really has helped me make up my mind. I’ve decided that I will not be replying to him.

Inky, thank you so much for your advice, I hadn’t though to look at my problem in that way of “No, this is too big a deal for him to make drunken confessions. What else do we do when we’re drunk? Total the car, vomit, wake up next to a stranger… And call the ex.” You’re also right that it’s best to not reply because he has record of what he sent to me (Facebook) so obviously if he can’t talk to me while sober, or reach out to me, there’s no point. He’s actually drunk texted me several times over the past 4 years, and for some reason, each of those last times I’ve let him in again only to have him always pin the blame on me. At first I tried to argue back to show him that it wasn’t just me, but him as well, but he would get very angry. Then other times I tried to be nice and just accept all the blame (because clearly arguing with him was getting us nowhere) but even then that didn’t work. He was virtually always angry, regardless of how I acted, and I realized that it is out of my control and that I have to move on. Plus, the life he leads now, is not one that I could accept, and I could not tolerate being around him this way (he’s always out partying, drinking, smoking, getting high, etc). You’re right, he does have anger issues, you bringing it up reminded me about a time he got very angry at one of my friends and confronted me about talking to that person, well, he ended up punching a stop sign and started bleeding (he didn’t act like he was in pain at all) and then he grabbed my wrists and wouldn’t let go when I was trying to walk away while telling him it was over. Fortunately a stranger stepped in and told him to let me go or that he would call the cops (which should have been a sign that I needed to get out of that relationship) and then he got in a verbal fight with that guy and when I walked away he followed me, crying until I caved in and decided to stay with him. There are several other unpleasant memories I have of him, and those have really helped shape my decision to not reply. I’m worried that perhaps later I will regret not replying, but I will write down what you said to me, because your words really got me to reflect on what an unhealthy relationship it was, and what a mistake it would be to let him back in.

Ghostwriter, he still has contact with me because we are friends on Facebook. He was the one who actually sent me a request on Facebook about two years ago and I accepted his request. What you said right here “I had to realize that if I had been important enough to him, he would have made the effort to have me in his life.” makes a lot of sense and you’re right. If I was important enough to him, he would have made an effort for us to be friends, and he wouldn’t have acted so negatively whenever I tried to work out or problems. It was always me making the effort to see him, and talk to him. And he was always trying to sneak around, to make sure his friends didn’t know, which that in itself proves that to him I’m not worth much. Otherwise he would have stood up for me, and he didn’t. You have encouraged me to seek out my own closure. I think the best way for me to do this would be to write a letter to him (but of course I will not be sending it to him) and in it I will just say everything I’ve held in all these years. Also, thank you for this “Please move on and know that someone wonderful is waiting for you.” It means a lot to me, because ever since being with my ex, I haven’t felt like I could be in any other relationship. My relationship with my ex just really drove me away from giving other guys a chance. Great guys have come into my life, but I didn’t feel like I would be able to function in a relationship anymore, and your words give me hope, that there is someone out there who will treat me better than he ever did, so thank you.

Anita, you’re right about the whole contact thing. Problem is, over the past 4 years, anytime he has tried to get in contact with me, I’ve always found myself analyzing what he has said to me. And he is still the same person, still angry, hateful, immature, and yet I kept letting him back into my life, all because I loved him and wanted to be with him. However, you’r right about “I hope you learn to separate loving feelings from reality, that is the fact that you have loving feelings for him does NOT mean you are destined to be with him, that he is a good person to be with, that it is healthy for you to be with him. It only says you have the motivation to be with him, a motivation that needs to be examined in relation to your attachment history and the quality of the person that he is.” Thanks to your advice I’ve taken a long hard look at our past, and despite all the love I have for him, he is a very negative and bad person to be around. I do have to separate my feelings from him, and keep remembering that although I love him, it does not mean that I need to be with him or that it would be good for me to start talking to him again.

Thank you everyone for all of your advice. It really did help me make the decision to not reply to him. As much as I wanted to, I know that I should not. I can’t keep letting him in only for him to chastise me and blame me for everything. I only wish I had received this advice a few years ago, then perhaps I would finally be over him. Over the past 4 years I tried getting advice from friends and acquaintances but nothing helped. However, things happen for a reason, and this is a really good lesson for me. I can’t keep letting toxic people in my life, regardless of my feelings for them. Knowing the kind of person he is, it would not surprise me to hear from him again in a few months, either while he is drunk or high. However, I will keep ignoring him and I will not give into my desire to talk to him. I will not let him have that power over me. He can’t just come into my life and stir up a storm anymore.