It’s good that you recognize his patterns. This makes it easier for you to analyze the situation.

Great. It’s good that you have expressed yourself to him finally, after all this time. It releases some of what you have held in.

Ahh, I see. Well, it is a good thing that you do not want revenge. Unfortunately for me, I felt the coldness creep up and I wished the worst for him for a bit, and I feel horrible about it now. That’s why I asked about the revenge.

If you do choose to help him out as a friend, stay strong emotionally. It might be easy to let him back in because you see him as needing your help.

If you got everything you needed from her reading, then don’t go back. Just asses the information as much as you need.

You wanting him to take you seriously is a good step, and I am glad that you are willing to enforce the no contact rule so that he understands that this time will not be like all the others.

“He is a contradiction and at one point he is saying he is focused on getting somewhere in his life and want us to take things slow with me yet doesn’t have the time or attention to be my boyfriend but has the time to entertain other girls and go out and smoke weed? Priorities ? I think not.” Good assessment of the situation.

“If he does end up trying to win me over which I believe he will do in time I believe it will all boil down too whether I really want to explore that road again. I have become so much stronger and I realize that around him I instantly feel weak and that can’t be a good feeling. I will be a lot stronger also by that point and their is a huge possibility that I might not even want to entertain this person anymore and politely decline.” Wonderfully said. Yeah, I understand that weak feeling, and now that I look at it, you’re right. It can’t be good. That’s not how we should feel around people we love.

Who could have given him your number? Are you thinking about changing it again?

“I also am realizing that my love is beginning to have a limit. I can’t continue to love someone that hurts me at every chance he gets.And most importantly I am beginning to also see him as the crazy person that he is !” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Love always has its limits, you’re only willing to go so far for some people. Yes, indeed, he is crazy.

I concur with this, “Everything he does it just completely insane and throughout it all he still believes he a good guy! CRAZY!” It is much too true. And unfortunately no matter how many times you try to point out why their actions are not acceptable or okay, they brush it off and say that you are in the wrong. It’s all in their twisted minds.

Marisol,

You’re very welcome. I’m glad my advice has helped you.

Great thing you thought it out and saw for yourself that this time around it is very similar to back when he was cheating on you. It raises your awareness and perspective as to everything that is going on with you and him.

“He is always attempting to keep me around while he goes off and has his fun because I do believe that ultimately he feels like I am the long term plan for his life.” I’m sure that is true as well, because it seems to be like it is what a lot of guys do, especially when they are young. They seem to think that we will just wait around until they are done having their fun.

“what makes me the most upset is the inability to see that this time in our lives is only temporary so why not make the correct decisions?” He is not able to see that this will all pass sooner than he realizes because he isn’t as aware or as conscious as you are. He seems to live by his impulses and whims, while you think things through and analyze them, wanting to make the right choice. At our age, many guys seem to live like he does, giving into desires, wants, impulses, etc. I guess they do it because they think that in the grand scheme of things, this little phase will not matter, so why not have fun? It is also more than likely that they believe they can get away with anything for the time being, otherwise they wouldn’t do what they do.

“I understand the importance of people and relationships and wont waste meaningful connections on temporary flings.” See, that’s the difference, your ex does not understand. Perhaps it’s hormones or his thought rationale that impedes him from realizing this, I really don’t know. You simply are just more aware than he is.

“he doesn’t exactly believe or understand that there will not be anyone that will be there for him like I was” Again, this shows how childlike/ teenager he still is. However, based on your past actions this is why he believes that you will stick around, because you stayed before when times were hard.

“I thought I would just go back and try once more.” That would be easy wouldn’t it? After all, you’ve already been with him for so long that it almost seems unfair to give up after everything the two of you have been through. It’s not easy to give up on something that you want so badly to work out, on something that you have put in a lot of effort.

“I understand that the relationship isn’t about power but I really took to heart that while I am feeling helpless I really have so much power in the situation.” You’re right, it’s not about power. It is about a balance between the two of you, at least ideally. Realistically one of you might have more control or power than the other. However, you are right, you do have so much power in the situation. There are so many choices you can make. The reason you feel powerless is because you are so used to giving in to his demands and actions. You are used to adapting just so that the relationship can flow smoother, and by doing that you were relinquishing some power.

“In a really fucked up cruel way that no one can understand I do feel as if he loves me and I feel like I need to use that and this situation to my advantage.” Trust me, I understand fully. They just love in a very different and twisted way. My ex is the same. Others might not see it as love, but I’ve been there and I know what you mean.

“In a crazy way I believe that the universe is recreating this situation in order for me to do the right thing for myself!” This is a great way to look at it and to make different choices.

I like what you said to him. Not depending on answer from him and again choosing to enforce the no contact rule and trying to move on.

“I don’t want to lie and say that I don’t have hopes of us being together in the future. I see a lot of potential in him if he was willing to just change these ways of his. I do feel like it takes losing someone to realize what they were worth but how could he even begin to do that when I never allow him the space to feel like I am gone forever?” It’s good that you are being realistic with yourself. And you’re right, you do need to give him space in order for him to understand that you are gone. Otherwise he’ll never get the memo and start acting the same again.

“The moment I start ignoring him he realizes I am something worth pursuing and I mean contacting my friend and finding any means necessary to get into contact with me , even creepy things!” Him doing this shows he obviously cares for you, regardless of his methods. And I believe that as he seeks you out and realizes you are not paying attention or giving in so easily, he will start to reflect on his actions and change.

“He also told me that If I were to reject him, or if I were to ignore him or not respond that he would find me by any means and continue to try because he believes ultimately that he wants to be with me. If this is all really true then I have came to the realization that I need too see these things come to pass. I shouldn’t be so easy to just call whenever he says and make myself so available that he stops trying. It would be interesting to see whether these things he says are true.” Yes, you do need to let these things come to pass.

It might sound like I’m telling you to play hard to get, which I’m not. I’m just saying to let this all play out, and see how far he is willing to go for you, to get your attention, to win you back, to prove he has changed. This is all something that you need to see, and I’m sure that when the come times, whether in a few months, a year, or several, you’ll come to your own realization of whether he is now in a better place or he still is not where he needs to be.

So give it time. See how things pan out with him. Pay attention to his efforts and analyze them. I’m sure that when the time comes, you’ll know. If it doesn’t come, then don’t give up, know that the universe has other things in store for you.

Post again with updates and let me know how it is going. Tell me about his attempts to contact you and say how they make you feel and analyze them and see if he is closer to where he needs to be. Also, if you’re ever in doubt, post again, I’ll respond.

Marisol,

Wow. Your ex sounds very much like mine. Too much alike I might add. So, I’m speaking as someone who knows what you are going through and what it feels like. I’m also your age.

I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist, and I believe she could be right about your ex. Who knows, yeah he might change, but we don’t know that for sure. My ex also smokes a lot of weed and does drugs every now and then, well, at least according to him. As a rational person with education I am sure you understand how hard it is to stop smoking weed or doing drugs, they are just too addictive for them to just quit.

My ex was a lot like yours in that I could not voice my concerns without it all blowing back on me. If i caught him lying which I did often, he would try to twist it all around. He refused to address my concerns and made me sound like I was going crazy. Which indeed was driving me a little mad because it was so hard to have an honest conversation with him. He would always find ways to blame me for it all and would not listen. He cheated on me as well. I, as well as you, thought that I was the one who was in the wrong and was hurting the relationship.

However, you must realize that your ex is manipulative and not good for you. My ex is the same way. Every few months he tries to get in contact with me. I too have changed my number but he has found ways to talk to me.

Let me tell you a bit about my relationship with my ex so that you can understand that they are very bad and manipulative people. I was with him on and off for a long time. It was all smooth sailing at first because we were just beginning to get to know each other. However, once we were in a comfortable place in our relationship it all changed. He would go out with other girls, particularly his exes, to the club, he would hang out with them when I was not around. He would go and drink with his buddies, etc. I wasn’t clingy either and I respected our independence. However, He would often tell me lies about his encounters with his exes or his whereabouts and I would find out from others what had really happened. He would always spin it all around on me and blame me. He would always try to change the subject, never answering my questions and made me the bad guy. He said I was taking things out of proportion. He cheated on me and did not admit to it till much later, I was obviously hurt, but he didn’t want to hear about that. He said I wasn’t giving him enough time. He had his friends tell me lies. He was charming enough that anytime he wanted me back, I got back with him, only to see he hadn’t changed. He was verbally abusive and he didn’t appreciate any of the things I did for him. He just took them for granted.

Your relationship with your ex is not healthy. You are taking good steps to move on. There will be times in which you will be tempted to let him back in, after all, you love him, it is easy to want to believe that they really have changed. You’ll miss him, wonder what he is doing. You’ll have weak moments in which you will want to let him back in. It’s not easy to let go of someone you’ve shared so much with. However, stay strong, know that it will all get better and that it is for your own good to not talk to him anymore.

You owe him no explanations about moving out of state. You are an independent strong woman who is pursuing her education. You don’t need him holding you back. The weed and drugs will most likely sooner or later get a hold of him. It sounds bad I know, but that it the mess that he has created for himself. You don’t want to be a part of that, it will wreak havoc on your life if you do.

Think about it this way. You are getting an education. Working towards getting a good career. He is not in a good place right now, considering the drugs and manipulative behavior. Do you really want to go back to that? It is not healthy or conducive to a good life. You’ve given him way too many chances.

Hang in there and do not give in to him. You are strong and deserve better than that. Someone who shares some of the same goals, interests, etc.

Respond back if you need more advice or want to talk about it more.

Jade,

My sympathies. It must be hard to live in such a controlled environment. Like Juanita said, you’ll have to deal with the restrictions and tough it out. After all, it is their house and they are providing for you. I’m 20 and still live at home with my parents. And while it isn’t easy, it’s my only option if I want to be able to go to school full time without having to worry about rent and bills. Since I do not work, I don’t help with the bills. However, I do have restrictions, as in a curfew, no TV after 10 pm in my room, I have to do all of the chores 3 days of the week, and I have to help out with my younger brother who is 8. It’s not easy because I don’t always agree with the things they make me do, but I tough it out because they are doing me a great favor. Things could be worse.

Your parents care about you and it is great that they look after you, but not too such an extreme. Trying cooking them dinner, washing the car, or something else that is simple (and your mom doesn’t think is dangerous or harmful) that could show your parents that you are responsible. Otherwise they’ll keep on babying you.

It’s interesting that your mom does everything for you. Most teenagers would complain about all the chores their parents make them do. So perhaps your mom is doing everything her parents didn’t do with her? Just a wild guess. Otherwise why go to such extremes?

• This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Aislynn.

10 million dollars wow. What a great sum of money. Of course it’d be a lot less after taxes and everything. However, there would still be plenty of money left.

I’d waste it as well. But rather, I’d call it an investment. An investment for the future. While, I won’t say I’d donate it all, I would donate perhaps a fourth of it. I’d donate it to animal shelters, cancer treatment for children, and food for the homeless or those in need. I know that those charities won’t use 100% of my donation towards the cause, because after all they have costs to stay afloat, but some of these charities use 80 cents out of each dollar towards the cause, and I’d say that’s pretty good. After all, they don’t receive federal funds, and rely on donations from regular people, like you and me. I would choose to donate money because I think it is important to help others.

The rest of the money I’d save up, some for me, some for my sister and brother, and some for my mother and step-dad. And some of it I’d spend on myself, buy myself lots of books, I love reading.

Sure, I could keep it and spend it on myself, but that would just make me greedy and make me want more and I’d spend it on lavish items I wouldn’t need.

I do think that winning 10 million dollars would help me serve my purpose in life because I’d try to put it to good use. I’d like to do volunteer work in foreign countries, and those donation funds could certainly help brighten someone’s day.

I didn’t always think this way. I used to always say I’d donate money when I worked or had more money, but there was one thing my step-dad said to me that changed my whole perspective. He said ” if you only want to donate money when you have more money, then that shows how little you are motivated to do so. Donate even when you have very little to give, that shows you really mean it.” Why that threw everything in perspective for me, I don’t know, it just made sense to me. I don’t have to give a lot of money, what matters is that I do it and that it comes from my heart, and that I do it because I want to and not just because I have enough money left over.