Dear Anita,

Last week, I was doing so well. Right now, it is the complete opposite. I now understand what you meant when you said it was not a linear process and that it would not get better and then even better but that rather there would be some regression at times. I completely understand it now.

Unfortunately, yesterday during the day, my anxiety was very high. Deep breathing helped, but I felt my anxiety escalating, creeping up on me, building and building. I could not calm it. I tried being mindful, but my anxiety was too much. Before leaving the house to pick up my brother, I ran through the house twice to make sure everything was off and that the back door was locked. After heading out to my car, I couldn’t help but think that I had left the lamp on in my room, which I knew I hadn’t but I couldn’t resist the urge to check anyway, so I unlocked the door as fast as I could, fumbling around, only to realize that yeah, the lamp had been turned off. Driving was fine. I was calmer than ever.

However, when I got home, and as the evening progressed, my anxiety started coming back. I have an exam in biology today, so maybe that’s the cause. I suppose I’m anxious about not doing well, about failing. I noticed that as soon as I started studying for the exam, my anxiety would get stronger. I don’t understand why, I know the material. I suppose I’ve just been feeling burnt out. I don’t like that, it’s only 3 weeks into the semester and all ready I feel like I am pushing myself too hard. So I drank some tea but it didn’t help this time. I even noticed how anxious my dog had become throughout the day as well. He sensed my distress.

It was hard to fall asleep. I wasn’t thinking about anything really, I just couldn’t sleep, it has become a habit for me to lay in bed for about 2 hours before I can get any sleep. I finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 2 am. I tried practicing being mindful, but it only made me feel worse. I was panicking, it felt like I was drowning in my anxiety. My whole body felt it. I couldn’t breath, I felt the goosebumps on my skin, I was nauseous. I tried thinking about the sky and the earth, it didn’t help. I couldn’t stay in bed, it felt like the onset of a panic attack. The heat was unbearable. It’s been about 3 years since the last time I had a panic attack and I didn’t want to have another one.

I got up, walked around for a few minutes, had trouble breathing, feeling cold and nauseous, but I managed not to have a panic attack. So at least there’s that. I went back to bed, not a good idea, feeling ill again. Got up, laid down in the living room on the new sofa, I just started at the clock for about 6 minutes, watching the blue numbers slowly change. I felt the leather underneath me rustle as I tried to get comfortable on the couch. I felt better, so I went to bed again. I felt vulnerable out in the darkness of the living room which is what prompted me to go back to bed. There it was, that fear. Fear of what is in the dark.

It didn’t help that for dinner I had eaten pork yesterday. Unfortunately, it seems that I have developed an allergy to pork, and I was feeling the ill effects of that as well as my anxiety simultaneously. Not a good thing. I can’t stand feeling ill, so this is it for me, no more pork. That gives me some piece of mind.

Now I really must get some sleep, it’s 20 past 3 and I’ve got to be up in less than 4 hours. Hopefully I can sleep, and hopefully I’ll have a better day.

Dear Anita,

“As I read your post about the grocery store experience I was thinking what a good writer you are. You have the ability to describe a situation in such detail that I can see it, step by step. I think you have a real skill and talent, so much so that the idea of you writing for a living seems possible to me and it is exciting!” Thank you for your kind words. It is exciting, now that I am not perpetually worried about it.

“This is an All-or-Nothing thinking, isn’t it?” Oh my, you’re right!! I went to extremes in my thinking. Gosh, I feel a bit silly now.

“It is natural. It does not indicate you are a bad person, only that you were hurt.” I’m glad. For a while I was really caught up in thinking that I was a bad twisted person for feeling that way. That there was something wrong with me for thinking that way.

“Only what he thinks doesn’t really matter (hard to believe, isn’t it?)” It is hard to believe, or at least it was, a while ago. However, I came to realize that what he says or thinks about me doesn’t matter because it has no real power. It doesn’t change anything. I am where I am today, because of the effort I’ve put in, because of the choices I’ve made. Him thinking highly of me changes nothing. It is simply an opinion. Despite my rational thinking though, I still feel like I have something to prove to him. I guess deep down his opinion of me still matters a bit.

Dear Anita,

“his manipulation worked. All this time later, his words are still fresh in your brain and you believe him… at least some. And you want to contact him just to prove him wrong… ” Yes, exactly. Well, I don’t want to reach out to him, I want him to notice that I am fine without him. I want to prove to him that I am doing great without him. I just can’t get myself out of that mindset. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to him.

A few months ago I was at a local grocery store. I never shop there because I don’t like the environment and the workers, but I really needed some oranges for my juice so I stopped by. I went in, got the oranges and quickly headed to the register to pay. There were a few people in front of me and I was waiting patiently. Then, someone comes up behind me and out of the corner of my eye, I see that it is my ex boyfriend’s friend. I freak out!! My heart is beating really fast and I can’t stop myself from thinking, ” I must look terrible” (I was wearing workout clothes and was somewhat sweaty after my jog) and I was also thinking that I must look weird just buying a big sack of oranges. In that moment, I just wanted to look presentable. I couldn’t help but think that this friend of his would tell him he had seen me at the store. I was so caught up in how I looked.

I’ve been trying to tear myself away from wanting to make an impression on my ex. However, it is this feeling that does not want to dissipate. However, I know that I don’t just want him to see that I am doing good. I want him to see and realize that I am doing better than him. I suppose this all stems from him bragging about how well he was doing without me when we broke up.

His life is a mess, and I am very ashamed to admit… but I was glad to read that so far he’s not having a good year, but I don’t want to feel that way. Him having a bad year is no cause for celebration. I shouldn’t be happy about that. I know it makes me look bitter and resentful and I want no part in that. I don’t like the idea of feeling good simply because he is having a bad time. Again, this all stems from all those last conversations between me and him.

“Once it is in your mind while you are dating: say it, don’t keep it in, that will distress you, I think.” Yeah, that sounds right. I do think it would distress me, very much so.

“An introverted man, not a popular and very social guy and one who does not want to have children, at this point, would be a good match for you.” How am I supposed to find an introverted man though? I mean, how am I even going to get to talking to him? If I am an introvert, and not good at talking to others, because of my social anxiety, and he is an introvert, well, how are we supposed to start talking? Also, wouldn’t it be counterproductive to be with someone who is also an introvert like me? I say this because really, if I were to be in a relationship with a man like this, well I don’t think there would be much of a chance for social interactions/gatherings and we’d basically not have many friends or go out much.

“And I would like to think of Aislynn as free…” I would like to as well. I want to be free to travel the world, discover new things for myself, help others, move around, and not feel tied down. Being free is what I aim for.

Dear Anita,

You bring up a very interesting point for me, a human love story. I suppose I do deep down, long to have a relationship with a man. To share my emotions, thoughts, accomplishments, troubles. I also long to be that for a man, to provide him with as much support and love as he gives me.

I feel that I am now in a better place, in which I could give myself the chance to be in a relationship, knowing that I have the habit of choosing men with issues. I realize that now, and strongly try stay away from them. However, I do not see myself being with someone.

I am not trying to rush things. I know that things will happen when they are supposed to, and I am not looking for a relationship right now. I want to devote myself to my studies, my dog, my mindfulness and working on better managing my anxiety. So in other terms, I want to work on me.

However, would I be open to a relationship in the future? In a few years, absolutely. However, I don’t see myself being with anyone. I suppose this comes from being single for over 4 years now, as well as I do not believe I will find a man who will have the same views or values as me, if that makes sense. I don’t know if any man is going to accept that I have anxiety, I guess that deep down I fear that they will not understand why I do not feel comfortable doing certain things.

Also, I know for a fact that I do not want children, ever. I know that will certainly drive away some men, and I am fine with that. However, when would it be a good idea to bring that up when seeing someone? Also, isn’t the point of dating and being in relationship to see if you could spend the rest of your life with them? I don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone if I’m honest. I’m a solitary introvert and I value my alone time above anything else.

I’ve had boyfriends who were popular and great guys and while I cared for them, I just couldn’t deal with their popularity. For example, one was captain of the wrestling team. The other one was homecoming king, class president, and played sports. They were both very popular guys and I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t stand that at any point and time, someone would try and talk to them, hug them, shake hands, etc. It was a huge issue for me. That was what drove me away from them.

Ahh, yes, the post about my major. I completely forgot to respond.

“Pace yourself, calm… every day, every moment. It will get easier with practice.” Yes, I certainly need to work on that. I tend to want to rush things. Fear of the unknown.

“If there is something I missed in your post above, something I did not attend to (I have a feeling there is something I totally missed)- let me know.” You did great in addressing my issues. I suppose the only thing that I’m still wondering about is why I feel the urge to have my ex boyfriend see me or get in contact with me, even if I don’t plan to respond to him. I’ll take a shot at answering it myself, and tell me if this makes sense.

When we broke up, he was spiteful, told me I’d never find anyone else. That I wouldn’t do good without him. I suppose he thought I’d fall apart without him. So in a sense, perhaps I want him to see me, write to me, or keep up with me through my Facebook to see how well I am doing without him. But in that case… Why does his perception and validation of me matter so much to me?