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AislynnParticipantAnnie,
Although the job doesn’t pay much, and it is not your first choice, I would advise you to take it. The reason being that for now, it is your only offer, and like you said, it is only for two years. While yes, that does sound like a long time, as soon as those two years are over you can start looking elsewhere. If the salary sounds too low for you then wait up until the last day of the week to respond to see if any more offers come in.
If you believe you can find a better job offer, then by all means turn down the offer.
However, at this point, what is most important is that you not go back home. It is not a safe or good environment for you and you know that. So if it means accepting this job offer then do it. If you see that you are struggling to pay bills then get a roommate or get a part time second job to keep you afloat. While that in itself sounds like a hard situation it will definitely be better than going home.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
“But nature made it so that when there is real danger, the sight of a predator, for example, the animal that is possible prey feels fear. The feeling of fear feels so dangerous that the animal becomes fully alert and ready for action. The danger is potentially very real, but not the experience of fear itself.” This makes a lot of sense. When it comes to predator and prey, the fear response sounds rational and fight or flight seems like a great way to deal with such danger. However, when it comes to anxiety those reactions are not very helpful at all.
“I thought if you are at the top of a mountain, it is very quiet up there, no sound but the wind and if you look down from the mountain you can see tiny dots, the dots are people down there, and tiny squares, these are buildings… you can see the school from which you pick up your brother and the tiny dots that are the bullies there and you can see a small square that is the store you don’t like to go to … and you can see all the places you are anxious about, all tiny dots and tiny little squares, so far away and so insignificant from the top of the mountain while all along all you can hear is the wind. And a soft sun warms your face… what do you think?” Brilliant, Anita. That is what I think. Such a great way to put it. I imagined what you described just there, and I tried it last night, and guess what? I felt so happy and comforted, because it really was just me up on that mountain, away from all my troubles and anxieties. I was alone and felt happy, no nagging thoughts or concerns, or issues of any kind.
After that I envisioned being up on that mountain surrounded by other mountains and terrain, all alone for miles and miles, and that truly felt great. It gave me a feeling of utter happiness.
It worked so well that I was able to promptly fall asleep. I don’t even recall thinking about the imagery long before I fell asleep.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
After you wake up, like you did a few days ago at 4:45 AM is it easy for you to fall back asleep or is it like night time all over again for you?
It’s not that I expect to be an insomniac forever, I just don’t expect it to change.
Still haven’t tried the imagery idea, but yes, the mountain imagery sounds amazing, I wish I could one day try it in real life!
I find that slowly my energy levels have been going up. Unfortunately, while that is good, it has raised my anxiety levels once again. I actually had two anxiety attacks on Thursday.I tried to detach myself from it, so that I could analyze it as you had mentioned, looking at it from another perspective. Well, I couldn’t find anything that was really making me nervous or anxious.
During my first anxiety attack I was at the store, and I felt my stomach cramping up. I went to the restroom just to try and relax. I stood there in the stall trying to relax my breathing. I closed my eyes and I could feel as slowly I got goosebumps on my arms, then I felt cold, but then it got so hot I felt closed in. It was very uncomfortable and my hair was all over the place, even plastered on my face. Analyzing it in that moment, I felt trapped and claustrophobic. I couldn’t breathe. I thought about and said to myself, “wait a minute, what is going on? What is causing this? You’re at the store, its not rush hour, nothing negative or uncomfortable has happened, you’re about to go home.” Well, that calmed me down and I was able to leave the store without any further anxiety or issues.
The other anxiety attack happened at my house. I was in my room doing school work. I felt like I was going to puke and my stomach was in knots. I went to the bathroom, locked the door and hovered over the sink, just in case I might actually vomit. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on what I was feeling and what I was seeing although my eyes were closed. I could see shadows of red, lines of orange, and slowly it was giving way to darkness. I focused on my body and I could feel my hand over my mouth. I felt the pinpricks of the goosebumps slowly rise. This time, the goosebumps went up all the way to my head. It was uncomfortable and I was cold. I tried to detach myself from the situation and had this conversation with myself, “what’s going on? You’re at home, no one is causing you to feel uncomfortable, you are safe. Perhaps you’ve been doing to much homework and should take a break.” Slowly that calmed me down.
My question is, am I doing good when it comes to detaching myself and analyzing the situation, or do you have any recommendations about how I should be doing it?
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
Oh no! I would definitely never consider teaching middle school or high school. I think it would just worsen my situation. I do not even think I could be an elementary teacher. Bullying is too much of an issue now in every grade and I would feel vulnerable regardless of the age of the children I am teaching. It takes me back to feeling lost, vulnerable, and alone. When I go to pick up my brother from school and I have to go inside to pick him up I can’t help but remember how miserable I felt during those last 2 years there. One of the other children I pick up at my brother’s school was actually a victim of bullying and I couldn’t help but feel heartache when I found out what they were saying to him. I couldn’t help but cry. I think teaching at any level would not be good for me.
It’s great that imagery worked for you, even if you didn’t sleep perfectly. However, you and I, and other insomnia sufferers need every little bit of sleep we can manage.
The nature imagery is what I believe would work best for me. The mountain idea sounds great. For now I haven’t been able to give the imagery a try. I’ve been falling asleep very easily and I find myself pushing the snooze button on the alarm very frequently. However, I know it is only a matter of time before the insomnia returns, and when it does I will make sure to try it out.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, getting enough sleep is important. I’ve come to realize how vital it is. I end up much calmer on days during which I get enough sleep, although those are few in between.
I will definitely slow down and only focus on doing what is due/necessary.
It scares me as well to not sleep. How long have you had insomnia? I understand it is common in people with anxiety disorders.
Is there anyway I can learn to become comfortable around teenagers? Just knowing that they are looking at me is enough to make my skin crawl and make me turn red.
I’ve tried the whole movie thing, but that only makes me less sleepy, thinking about how it’ll all resolve. I become involved in the movie. Eventually I fall asleep sometimes, other times it doesn’t work.
I love your idea about the raft on a calm river. I would love to envision that when I can’t sleep. I can already imagine myself wearing light clothes, listening to the flow of the water, feeling the soft wind on my skin, breathing the fresh air, seeing the greenery around me! What a delight!!! That was an amazing idea Anita! The forest idea is great as well, I’ll try and alternate it with the raft one! I hadn’t thought to incorporate such imagery in my mind. I’d do it for my brother when he was scared after having a nightmare, but I had never thought to do it for myself. Any other ideas for imagery?
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
I am doing all right.
I am glad to report that I am back to walking and jogging. I won’t be running for a while though.
I’ve been feeling sick since last week and that has left me with very little energy to do much. That, coupled with the severe insomnia from the past few weeks has finally caught up to me. I am feeling utterly exhausted. All I want to do is sleep! I find myself sleeping in every time I get the chance, and I’ve been going to sleep very early for almost a week.
Unfortunately, for the first time ever, I missed a due date for a homework assignment. I felt upset about that, and I started doubting my ability to get an A in that course. I’ve been so tired that I have little motivation to do school work. I just keep wanting to put it all off until the last minute. I couldn’t be bothered to do school work. I feel that perhaps in a week I might feel better, but right not I feel like I am drowning in quick sand when it comes to energy and motivation. I find that I had been pressuring myself to do a lot, and that stress of trying to get ahead is not helping my anxiety, energy or motivation.
I find myself realizing that I am intimidated and that my anxiety flares up when there are teenagers around, high school age I’d say. Perhaps this is because I see how cruel and criticizing they can be. Or maybe it’s just my bad experiences from high school. I feel under extreme stress when I am around teenagers whether in line at the store, or anywhere really. I feel like hiding and just avoiding them forever.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
While turning on the lights does seem like a logical thing to do when feeling scared, well, it makes me feel irrational for doing so. Now, I know I shouldn’t criticize myself but I can’t help but think I am being silly.
I like the whole concept about carrying a tool box of different things that could help me. A metaphorical box, sounds really cool.
I will definitely try slow mindful yoga stretches when I can’t sleep. Unfortunately, due to my lack of sleep these past few weeks, yesterday I was just so exhausted I couldn’t even do homework. I was too tired to function and fell asleep very early. I woke up tired, and once again I am very sleepy. Ahhh, this frustrates me.
So, today I noticed a trigger. Police officers. I was driving to the store to pick up some ingredients for dinner. I live about 2 minutes from the store and I have to pass under this bridge where there is a big dip, and by big dip I mean like a hill. So, usually you go downhill and then uphill. Well, police officers LOVE that area. They usually wait there to pull people over. So I was driving, I was getting close, I kept looking at the speedometer to make sure I was going 35 mph. I was going about 2 mph under. The car behind me passed, and I thought to myself, I hope the police aren’t there, otherwise you’re in for a ride. Well, sure enough, the police were there. Not just one, but two and they had both pulled over some cars, for speeding I presume. So I continued on my way. I went into the store, got what I needed and then was going to go pick up my brother from school. Well, I was contemplating going around the other way to avoid the police, but my sister said not to. I was like, “what the heck, let’s do this.” So I pulled up at a stop, looked both ways and then started turning right. I got scared out of my mind when I saw the police office driving in the opposite direction of me. I then thought to myself, he’ll most likely be on the street right before the bridge, and yeah, both police officers were there. Again, I watched my speedometer like a hawk. Again, a truck passed me. They were most likely going 5 over the limit, and I wondered how they could drive over the speed limit full well knowing that the police were there, waiting to pull someone over. All was fine though. I arrived at my brother’s school. Parked, picked him up, and then proceeded to drive to another school where I pick up a boy for a friend of my mother who does not drive. Well… the school is near the police department, driving to the school you take a right and down the road is the police department. Well, today I was about to pull up at a stop sign and I saw a police office there. So I slowly pull up, and I’m waiting for him to go, he doesn’t so I signal for him to go ahead, then he signals back, telling me to turn. So I was like, okay then. Mind you, I was nervous. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but that got me nervous. I turned, and I waved a thanks at him and then I parked in my usual spot.
I was paranoid at the fact that he was at the stop first and that he waited for me to turn, to then turn. Unusual? Was he hoping I’d do something wrong to pull me over? Or was he just being courteous?
Needless to say, police officers frequent that area A LOT going to and from the station. They seem to always go above the posted limit of 20 mph and so sometimes when they are driving right behind me I get nervous because they are trying to drive a lot faster than I allow them to because I stay at a steady 19-21 mph. It is about an everyday occurrence that I bump into the police. I’ve never been pulled over though.
Sometimes, and only sometimes do I not feel anxious around police officers. However, most of the time I just get nervous and fumble around like, “What am I supposed to be doing?” On the first day of the semester there was actually a police officer at my college campus by the stairs, and that made me feel very nervous. However, since I needed to go downstairs I actually waved at him and said hello. You wouldn’t believe how much I debated doing that in my head.
So, police officers. Is it normal to get anxious and nervous around them? Or is it just my anxiety that makes it worse? Do I fear them because they are the authority? Or is it the thought of them pulling me over than gets me nervous? Any insight is appreciated.
AislynnParticipantAmelia,
The break up with my ex boyfriend was very hard. I broke up with him on a whim, on a moment during which I had just had enough. He had been joking around about his friends telling him to break up with me and he said that he was considering it, during that moment he was high. However, I didn’t care, I had had enough, so I told him “here, I’ll make it easy for you, it’s over. Have fun with your buddies.” I still remember afterwards how he kept asking me to take him back, that he was kidding, etc. It was hard for me to stay away, because like you I had so many what ifs and I was regretting it. However, while we tried to fix our relationship a few months after that, I saw that nothing had changed. He stopped hiding it from me, I saw how much the drugs played a role in his life. I saw how he acted so differently around others. He then felt the need to hide from his friends that we were talking, because they didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t stand his drug use. He was hiding me, constantly talking to me yet hiding it from everyone else. At our worst, his friend threatened me and I took action. It got him in legal troubles because they found marijuana on him, well his mother then hated me for it. Can you believe it? I was the bad one for fearing for my safety, how dare I get her son caught with marijuana. She was mad about the fees and couldn’t stand the idea of her son around me. So we went our own way. I couldn’t stay, not after he was all right and was joking about the threat from his friend. Through it all, I loved him, so strongly, so deeply. I didn’t want to give up, I wanted to help him, I wanted to see what our relationship would be like if he stopped the drug use. To this day I still wonder what if…. However, I see that he is still on the same path as he was. Still uses drugs, very often, so I know that I made the right choice by staying away. It was not easy. So many times I wanted to go back to him, to help him, to be there for him, especially when he had family problems.
Don’t be pressured to make a decision. Think it through. Perhaps it would be best if you try to talk to him about. Tell him about your concerns, your lack of trust, your fears about him lying even more. See how he reacts, then make a choice.
Otherwise, like you said, take a day off. Relax, you are in no rush. Think it through, a decision like this is by no means easy. Just the opposite actually. I know all too well how hard it can be to leave someone whom you love and see so much potential in.
If you decide to stay and work things out, take your time, baby steps. You shouldn’t feel pressured to trust him, his actions will define if he gains your trust back. If he does, then great, you get a chance to see how far your relationship can go. If after a while you decide it is not working out, well that is all right as well, you gave it your best and can leave with no regrets.
AislynnParticipantDina,
I am glad I could help.
So perhaps her worries really do stem from having the help she needs. After all, you mention you live 6 hours away. So really, now that you mention what CFS feels like, I can imagine she would be concerned with not being able to keep up on the days on which she feels drained. Supplying a cafe would require consistency and dedication in terms of the deliveries and therefore it would make sense that she needs a partner, someone to help her when she is unable to do it herself.
I can also imagine that dealing with the social aspect of it all would also be very taxing on her body and energy. Anxiety, like Anita mentioned produces physical symptoms.
I now understand why you are so concerned with being supportive of your sister, after reading about your father having been suicidal. It is only natural that since your parents are not who they once were that you want your sister to not have to struggle or get to that point. I admire the efforts you are making to help your sister.
Now, when it comes to not hurting yourself when it comes to be supportive. I can understand why it would hurt, especially since you mentioned not being able to talk to her on an equal level until recently. It is hard to see someone not take you seriously, or to not act on your ideas. However, don’t take it as something against you as a person. I’m sure she doesn’t look down on you. Just the opposite, she needs you, your parents are not who they are and you and your siblings are the only ones who can really understand CFS. You are her support system, even when you are away. Don’t be discouraged if the whole cafe idea doesn’t pan out. Simply email her, text her, talk to her on the phone, even on the worst days I am sure she will be glad she can count on you.
AislynnParticipantDina,
It is great that you are trying to help your sister. I’m sure that after seeing her struggle you just want her to feel happy.
I think your idea about the cafe is wonderful. Your sister seemed to like it as well. However, it is not something that can be decided and acted upon so quickly. There are many things she would have to do and as you said, her anxiety plays a role in it all. She would have to talk to cafe owners, make sure that everything is done legally, etc. That’s a lot of people to talk to.
Also, perhaps she wants to talk to your mother because she might need help doing some of the things. For example, who would help her on days in which she is not feeling well? There are many questions that might have been going through her head and sometimes you just need someone else to bounce ideas off of.
In regards to your question, be supportive of her by acknowledging her ideas, thoughts, and concerns. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to help, but simply listening is of great help. Now, when she does need help, then provide it for her if you can. Be there to encourage her.
As someone with social anxiety and general anxiety, it is hard for me to do things in a different way. I do them the same way I always have because they bring me results. Change scares me. So really, let her come up with her own ideas.
I know that sometimes we can’t help but feel rejected when our ideas our not taken seriously, but perhaps it is because they see issues with the idea that we overlooked.
AislynnParticipantAmelia_R,
I have to say that I agree with Inky and Anita, you need to take a break from your relationship from him. I also agree with Anita that he manipulated you.
He tried to twist things around and blame you for being paranoid and suspicious. You have every right to be suspicious of his actions, he has to earn your trust back, it is not simply given to him because he said he’d change. Change takes time, and little by little he should be working on proving to you that he meant what he said. Until then, you have every right to be cautious and suspicious. I certainly would be if I were in your place. You need to be aware of what he is up to if he is to gain your trust back and he needs to understand that. If he’s not willing to do that, to tell you what he’s been up to and all other sorts of things, well then how are you supposed to see if he really is making the changes he needs to in his life? Someone needs to hold him accountable for his actions, and that should be you because it was to you that he told that he wanted to change and that the drug use had gotten out of hand.
The point is, he lied to you. Even one small lie can plant doubt in a person’s mind, and this is not a small lie. It has been repetitive lies that you have evidence about and he has been unwilling to own up to.
I have been in a similar situation, my ex boyfriend is a drug user, smoker, and drinker. The drug use wasn’t such an issue when we were together because he only smoked pot every once in a while and hardly “popped pills”, but the drinking always was an issue. He was always getting drunk and lying to me about it. He didn’t stop once I confronted him about it and told him I didn’t like that. He said he’d change, and I told him I didn’t him to change simply because I said so, but he insisted it was what he wanted. Well, he simply got better at hiding it. What started with small lies escalated into big problematic lies. He would lie about his whereabouts, who he had been with, etc. I tried to trust him and gave him the benefit of the doubt, but ever so often those lies wouldn’t add up and he’d end up confessing. He lied to me about other things as well, many things. Here we are, 4 years later, and he now smokes pot about everyday, gets drunk all the time, and he’s admitted to doing cocaine.
Now, of course your situation could play out very differently. What I am trying to say though, is that if you are feeling unsure, then you need to do something about it. He can’t be trusted simply because he said he’d change. Saying and doing are two very different things. You also need to keep in mind that once you start lying, well, it becomes easier and easier. I’m not perfect, and I’ve lied, and yes it does get easier and easier. The lies just keep building up. Some people are better than others. I am ashamed of lying, but I have to say that once you start lying you have to keep lying to protect that one initial small lie.
You feeling that sense of dread, well it can’t be pleasant at all. That is not something you should feel, maybe once in a while it is all right, but continuously, not at all. Give your relationship a break, evaluate his actions, efforts, and your feelings about the situation. Then, decide what to do from there.
In the meanwhile, I’d say to give the other guy a chance. Who knows, something great could come of it.
Also, regarding your guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You weren’t the one who did anything wrong. He has no reason to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong. He is making you out to look like a paranoid, delusional person every time you confront him, and that is no good, because eventually you’ll start questioning whether you are overreacting, which you all ready are.
Regarding the drugs and lying, well that’s even worse when you put the two together. Drugs cloud a person’s judgement, makes them act and feel differently, I’m sure you all ready know that though.
AislynnParticipantTami!
Wow, a 60 pound weight loss, that is amazing!
I was just about to tell you about yoga with Adriene, but Dina beat me to it. She has great videos for beginners, weight loss, couch potatoes, etc. So more than likely you’ll find a video that suits you.
From the app store you can purchase and app called Yoga Studio. It’s about $3 I believe and it has many positive reviews. I really like it. I don’t know if they have it for android though. The big perk to this one is that they have all different sorts of routines such as ones that work on balance, relaxation, and flexibility, or a combination of all those things. They even have a few routines for runners or back pain. Another good thing about this app is that they have short routines ranging from 10 minutes, to longer routines that last up to an hour. You could also customize your own routine with whatever poses you like. However, I’d say that the biggest perk about this app, that I enjoy and that others seem to really like is that you can download the routines so you can do yoga even when there is no internet connection. That is the main reason I bought it. I’m still a beginner when it comes to yoga and I downloaded all 10 of their sessions and now I can do yoga wherever I want without having to worry if there is wifi or not.
It’s been a while since I’ve done any yoga, and I was hoping to get back into it but kept putting it off. You have inspired me to take it back up, I’ll definitely start tomorrow. I’m so excited!
AislynnParticipantBellybutton,
I definitely felt that way a few years ago. I must have been about 14-17. I cared way too much about my appearance and I was never quite happy with it. I hated my body. I thought I was a few pounds overweight, that my arms were to hairy, that my hair was ugly, etc.
I tried to bleach my arm hair, but wasn’t happy with that, so I started shaving my arms. Then I couldn’t stop shaving them because well, they would start feeling prickly. I felt that as a girl I shouldn’t have sideburns, well, I got obsessed about that and started shaving them off. I got so obsessive about it that I then started plucking the little hairs when they started growing in. I was so obsessed about the issue with my sideburns that I started plucking them in class!! That was freshmen year in high school.
I wore a lot of eye shadow, eye liner, and mascara. I always used vibrant colors. What weened my off of make up was that 1) it was such a hassle to take it off at the end of the day 2) a lot of people told me I looked a lot better without make up 3) I came to realize that using such bold colors did not suit me and probably made me look like a clown 4) I realized how other girls who used a lot of make up looked very ill when they didn’t wear any, and quite frankly I didn’t want that to happen to me.
Over the course of 4 years I slowly stopped wearing make up. First I started by letting go of the eye shadow, then the foundation, etc. I didn’t give myself a time line. I just did what I thought I was ready for. After I graduated high school I took a year off, and I believe that really gave me the time to start feeling good about my body and appearance. I stopped shaving my arms, let my sideburns grow out, and stopped wearing make up for the most part. I still wear eye liner and mascara and lipstick, but it’s once in a blue moon. Lipsticks though I do wear about once a week or so. I find that I am much more confident and comfortable with myself now. It wasn’t so much the break from school that helped me, but rather that I took the time to accept myself as I am.
I used to care what others thought about me, but then I came to the realization that it’s my body, and the only person I have to please is myself. I wasn’t put on this planet to please others. It does take a while to become comfortable in your skin, but once you do, it’s the best thing.
Sure, I’m still self conscious about my body at times, I think the pores on my face are huge, that my eyebrows need to get waxed again, etc. But I believe that we all struggle with those sorts of things on a regular basis.
Just think that other people are probably self-conscious about their appearance as well. And you want to know what? Chances are that what others are worried about, you don’t perceive as an issue, it is hardly noticeable. Just like what you think is an issue on your body, others more likely than not, do not notice it.
You have a long road ahead of you, but it’s a great thing that you are moving a step in the right direction. Don’t rush yourself. Only do what you feel you are ready to do. Take baby steps, and as you start wearing less make up, you’ll see that others hardly notice or care.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you. I used to write a lot in the past, but now I feel stuck. I’ve never been able to finish a journal, can you believe it?
“the lying in bed awake… the OCD thoughts of leaving the light on and so forth. And I know the panicky feelings, getting scared of the fear itself and how worse can it get, adding fear to fear.” Exactly. While I was out in the living room, it didn’t bother me at first to be in the dark, I felt too ill. But then that fear crept up on me. I didn’t know what to do except turn on the lights and go to my room as quickly as I could. And that anxiety attack… It was horrible. I felt like I was going to die.
“when you are significantly afraid and the fear is escalating, you become mindful of it, meaning you become aware that not ALL of you is scared, only part of you. You move yourself from being suffocated underneath the fear, freeing yourself that way so that you can position yourself side by side to the fear and observe it. You position yourself so you are no longer one with the fear but you can observe it from another part of your brain.” This sounds like a good thing to do. To observe the situation from another angle.
I will definitely practice the exercise you’ve just showed to me. I’m thinking it will work well with my anxiety attacks. However, will it work well when I am scared of the dark, or having frightening thoughts? Or would it make that worse? I mean, technically they are all fears, I just suppose I am more scared of the dark and the frightening thoughts than the anxiety itself.
Is there anything I can do about my sleeping problems? I don’t like lying down in bed for about 2 hours without being able to fall asleep, sometimes it takes me even longer.
AislynnParticipantDear Anita,
Last week, I was doing so well. Right now, it is the complete opposite. I now understand what you meant when you said it was not a linear process and that it would not get better and then even better but that rather there would be some regression at times. I completely understand it now.
Unfortunately, yesterday during the day, my anxiety was very high. Deep breathing helped, but I felt my anxiety escalating, creeping up on me, building and building. I could not calm it. I tried being mindful, but my anxiety was too much. Before leaving the house to pick up my brother, I ran through the house twice to make sure everything was off and that the back door was locked. After heading out to my car, I couldn’t help but think that I had left the lamp on in my room, which I knew I hadn’t but I couldn’t resist the urge to check anyway, so I unlocked the door as fast as I could, fumbling around, only to realize that yeah, the lamp had been turned off. Driving was fine. I was calmer than ever.
However, when I got home, and as the evening progressed, my anxiety started coming back. I have an exam in biology today, so maybe that’s the cause. I suppose I’m anxious about not doing well, about failing. I noticed that as soon as I started studying for the exam, my anxiety would get stronger. I don’t understand why, I know the material. I suppose I’ve just been feeling burnt out. I don’t like that, it’s only 3 weeks into the semester and all ready I feel like I am pushing myself too hard. So I drank some tea but it didn’t help this time. I even noticed how anxious my dog had become throughout the day as well. He sensed my distress.
It was hard to fall asleep. I wasn’t thinking about anything really, I just couldn’t sleep, it has become a habit for me to lay in bed for about 2 hours before I can get any sleep. I finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 2 am. I tried practicing being mindful, but it only made me feel worse. I was panicking, it felt like I was drowning in my anxiety. I wanted to puke from how strong it was. It radiated throughout my whole body. I couldn’t breath, I felt the goosebumps on my skin, I was nauseous. I tried thinking about the sky and the color of it, it didn’t help. I couldn’t bring myself to get up, the heat was unbearable. I felt like I was going to die. It was another panic attack.
I finally up, walked around for a few minutes, had trouble breathing, feeling cold and nauseous, but I managed not to vomit, So at least there’s that. I went back to bed, not a good idea, feeling ill again. Got up, laid down in the living room on the new sofa, I just started at the clock for about 6 minutes, watching the blue numbers slowly change. I felt the leather underneath me rustle as I tried to get comfortable on the couch. I felt better, so I went to bed again. I felt vulnerable out in the darkness of the living room which is what prompted me to go back to bed. There it was, that fear. Fear of what is in the dark.
It didn’t help that for dinner I had eaten pork yesterday. Unfortunately, it seems that I have developed an allergy to pork, and I was feeling the ill effects of that as well as my anxiety simultaneously. Not a good thing. I can’t stand feeling ill, so this is it for me, no more pork. That gives me some piece of mind.
Now I really must get some sleep, it’s 30 past 3 and I’ve got to be up in about 3 hours. Hopefully I can sleep, and hopefully I’ll have a better day.
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