Dear Anita,

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. You would want your child to be assertive and confident.

I have a little update about the whole situation. I haven’t spoken to my mother about the issue right now, but yesterday I woke up with the strongest anxiety I’ve had in a very long time. I actually woke up from my sleep because of how anxious I felt. I tried to go back to sleep but it didn’t help and trying different aspects of mindfulness didn’t work either.

Unfortunately, this anxiety issue has everything to do with Richard. In my dream I was picking up my brother and Michelle’s son from school and I had gone to this weird street fair. I was in the parking lot and Michelle came to pick up her son from me because she had gotten out of work early, she left, and then Ava came. As soon as Ava appeared in my dream I sensed what was coming. So I start walking out of the parking lot and into the street fair and everywhere I go, Ava follows. I start feeling anxious and I want to get away. Ava then phones someone, and I know that it is Richard, and she then tells me that he is coming. For some reason, I then sit down at a table and wait. I actually don’t remember anything else from my dream, but I woke up with such an intense feeling of anxiety that I cannot believe a dream prompted this.

This anxiety was overwhelming in a completely different way than I’ve experienced during other times. I felt anxious for about two hours and it did not dissipate regardless of what I tried. I tried various techniques to take myself away from the anxiety, but nothing worked. The only technique that somewhat helped was picturing myself on a mountain and paying attention to all of the details, but even then my anxiety and dread followed.

Dear Anita,

You are right. I do need to practice being assertive. It is not so much a problem with strangers, but rather when it’s someone related to me or whom my parents know. I don’t know, I guess I don’t want to seem rude or like a bad person. Realistically, I know that turning down requests won’t make me look like a bad person, but I still feel bad for doing it. I’ve gotten a lot better at being assertive when it comes to my judge-mental grandmother who I now refuse to visit. Stepping away from her was a big step for me, but I know that I am not as assertive as I should be.

I had never heard that quote before, but it is definitely something I will keep in mind because I can see how true it is.

That being said, I still don’t know how I will deal with this situation. I just hope it never comes up again, doubtful though. I feel that the only way in which perhaps I can get Richard and Ava to back down is if I speak with Richard directly. Since I don’t want to see him or go on a date with him I was thinking about telling my mom to tell Ava to tell Richard to send me a message through social media/add me as a friend so that I can speak to him and tell him that I am not interested. I feel that otherwise, without direct contact with me, he won’t understand. Does that sound like a good idea?

If it was a good idea though, what would I even say to him? I don’t want to cut him off right out of nowhere, rather I want to give him an informed decision about my choice not to want his friendship/courting. I know that I do not owe it to him, but I think that by explaining my motives he will better understand and accept my decision.

Dear Anita,

I know that Ava’s eldest brother is in the process of divorce after his wife cheated on him and took advantage of his financial situation. This makes me think that perhaps Ava doesn’t want Richard to end up in the same situation. Thinking about all of Ava’s possible intentions makes me feel guilty because perhaps she only has good intentions?

She’s not a powerful person in my life, it’s just that I HATE confrontation. I’ve never been good at standing my ground when it comes to my elders. I was taught to respect my elders and do as I was told. Therefore, I don’t have the slightest clue as to how to turn her down when I haven’t even spoken to her about the matter if that makes sense.

Dear Anita,

Wow, what great insight you have given me. I thought that I was overreacting in my thoughts in regards to not wanting to date him. I felt that I was just looking for excuses to deny him.

I certainly don’t want to be his cook or maid, which I certainly got the impression of. I am not traditional in the sense that a man should expect that of me if we ever got together which is why I felt so disturbed and bothered by it.

From what I know, he hasn’t been dating anyone in at least the past year (Michelle told me this a long time ago). From what I also know, Ava seems to be very close to her brother Richard, as well as to her other brother. After what you told me, I figured that maybe she wants us to date because she figures I might be easy to manipulate.

I actually had lunch with my mom and Ava twice last month, and wow was it awkward. We spoke a little, and that’s stretching things because it was minimal random things, and this was after her initial prompt.

Honestly, her interest seems to have picked up after the first time we had lunch during which one of their male workers are with us as well. He made a comment to her around the lines of, “hey, Aislynn’s very pretty don’t you think, it’s such a shame that I don’t come from money and that I am married.” Of course said coworker said it to Ava in private, after which she told my mother. By no means would I encourage his behavior. However, I’m thinking that it might have sparked her interest a little more.

Now that I think about it, there was actually a third time in which I saw Richard. However, during this one occasion, his sister Margaret came up to greet us when she got there, and then Richard also came to shake my hand. So in my opinion, if I were to spark his interest it would have been in that initial greeting, don’t you think?

As it is now, I don’t know how to turn down the request, because it’s basically only been a conversation between Richard, Ava, and my mom. I haven’t even been asked for input. My mother actually thought I should give it a try, she said that despite how different we might be that we might have fun since he has a few good things going for him. So again, now he’s being the one objectified based on his looks and what Ava has told my mom about him. Ugh.

I don’t even want to bring it up that I’m not interested because I am worried that it’ll only make Ava more resolved to get us to meet.

Dear Anita,

I was doing very well with my anxiety. In my everyday interactions with people I was doing fine. To my surprise I actually found myself engaging in better conversations with strangers/ actually paying attention. It really felt good. However, I have reached another setback which brings me fear, anguish, and anxiety. This situation honestly makes me want to hide away. This particular dilemma is in regards to going back to dating about which I’ve just posted. The idea of going out with this guy gives me so much anxiety because I don’t know him, but do know his family. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. I don’t want him to think I’m ugly. I don’t want to deal with all the social aspects of going on dates out to places I’ve never been. It’s one thing to go out and be somewhere new, a level of anxiety I can sort of manage, and it’s another thing to be there with someone I could possibly get romantically involved with. It is scaring me so much that I couldn’t really sleep at all last night. I feel the anxiety surging and rising within me, despite the fact that maybe I won’t get to meet him for a good 4 months or so. It feels as though I am worrying over nothing. However, you have taught me that my emotions and feelings are valid and I’m trying to apply that. I don’t want to miss out on a good guy simply because I’m too nervous and scared to go on a date/go out to places. Any insight for me Anita?

Wow thanks everyone, that definitely helped a lot!

Anita, your very vivid descriptions really helped me visualize what it’s supposed to feel like and what I am supposed to be doing. Thank you for that. It cleared up a lot of things for me. Next time I do yoga, which should be tomorrow, I will definitely keep that in mind.

Anyone, thank you for your sharing your experience. You’re right about this, “Also, when we see it as a ‘task’ it becomes difficult but if we breathe longer and try to enjoy the pose while concentrating on the stretch a particular pose gives to the part of the body, it solves the purpose.”

Acaciarickard, “I used to be the same. I felt like it should relax me, but in reality it made me stressed out because I wasn’t as flexible as the teacher, my balance was off, some poses really made my muscles burn (which made me want to stop) and my mind was rushing – figuring out how to do all those things AND focus on this present moment seemed ridiculous.” Thank you for this. It sums up how I feel at times. At those times I really struggle with whether I should continue doing yoga or not.

“Even Buddhist monks who’ve been practicing meditation for years say of course they get thoughts, the idea isn’t to get rid of the thoughts, it’s to watch them and let them pass without being dragged down the road by them! Now in my practice, when I remember to focus on my breath I do, but if I don’t it’s no big deal. I also have days where silencing the mind seems impossible, and days where it’s simple as anything.. and I guess that’s helped me to learn that everything is cyclical, everything is changing, nothing is the same and to let go of attachment.” This really makes me feel more assured about doing yoga. I was feeling discouraged because I felt that I should be able to clear my mind of all things. I like the way you view it.

Thank you for your tips. I most definitely will try different types of yoga.