Hello, I think you’re actually very lucky in having something that you both like doing and which it is possible to have a carrer in (i.e. pastry chef). I think the source of your problems here is you are not being assertive enough to get your own needs met, but put them aside in favour of doing what your family want you to do and think is best for you. I can tell you from experience that if you carry on like this you will never be happy. You are now an adult and your parents do not have a right to dictate to you how you should live your life anymore. They may have invested a lot of money in your brother’s company, but that was their decision and nothing to do with you, it is not your responsibility to ‘make good’ on your brother’s behalf. Also, a good way to look at any big decision is this: is it win win, i.e. constructive for both sides? Try to aim for win win whenever you can. In the case of the real estate job it was win for your parents and lose for you. The win win decision would have been for you to say no and get a job that is right for you and tell your parents that they will have to recruit someone else (possibly helping them with the process if you really wanted to), that way they would still get a ‘win’, in many ways a better win because they would recruit someone who actually wants to do the job and is lkely better qualified. Anyway, that does’nt matter now, it’s the past so don’t worry about it, the important thing is to learn from the mistake, which is why I went through it to highlight the lesson.

So work on putting yourself first. Don’t misunderstand and think that this is selfish. You can still be considerate to and help others, just remember that if you are helping others to your own detriment, that is wrong. This is also a lot to do with having healthy boundaries – it would definitely benefit you to read up what this means.

The way you write about being a pastry chef makes it sound like a dream which is out of your control. It really isn’t though! Take charge of your life, that is definitely a possibility for you! My suggestions from here: 1. Start looking for a job as a trainee pastry chef or something related that will allow you to eventually move into this work, such as just getting any job in a bakery for now or a job in catering (eg restaurant kitchen, catering jobs such as at large events- which often employ people with little experience, etc). It’s a good idea to first try the sort of work you’re interested before fully committing yourself as sometimes the reality of the work is not how you imagined it to be. 2. Think about doing a pastry making course or perhaps getting a qualification at a catering college, whilst you are looking for a suitable job, which you can do in your spare time, for instance an evening course. This will help you get a the sort of job you want and perhaps help you decide if you definitely want to work in this field. 3. Once you’ve secured yourself a new job it’s time to be brave, you have to quit your current job. This mean telling your parents what they don’t want to hear. I appreciate this will be very difficult for you but it’s necessary if you want to lead a happy and healthy life. A quote that I heard springs to mind at this point, I’m not a religious person, but it contains a great truth: “God will not have his work made manifest by cowards”.

I believe it’s really important to do what you love. You owe it to yourself and the world. Don’t give in to fear. Stay positive and most importantly persevere! It will be hard and confusing and take time, but just make a start now and then keep going. Good luck!

I can offer a few points learred from experience:
1. Actually your mate was not far off the mark. But it’s not so much punishment, it’s about having integrity and self respect (a strong boundary). If a woman does something out of line then you should NEVER let it just pass. You must catch her on it to let her know that it’s not accetable, otherwise she will lose respect for you, and rightfully so. This can be done firmly but politely/with humour. Women constantly test you, often very subtly, as a way to assess your strength and integrity. Once you fail these tests you are on a very slippery slope… and you went very far down the slope. Think of what it communicated to her since you were still wiliing to see her after she’d possibly been with someone else. That is a show stopper right there, an “OK, goodbye!” scenario. Instead you sacrificed your own self respect because you wanted her. To let it get that far is already too far though. The thing that happened at the dance is even worse, but not unexpected at all, it’s a natural progression on that slippery slope – which you are responsible for putting yourself on.

The reason you feel so bad is because you crossed yourself again and again for her, and psychologically speaking given her full control of your inner resources (self respect, self esteem, etc) and she said no and in so doing so has left you empty and feeling like you lost something amazing – you have, it’s called your self respect, integrity, dignity. NOT the woman though. By the way, whenever this happen it always makes the woman seem like the best and only woman you will ever meet.

You might also do well asking yourself (this might take a few months because of all the emotional attachment), do you really want a woman like that? Her actions domonstrate low self respect, a poor boundary, unstable, etc, they are not the actions of a quality woman who has her life together.

Some of this probably sounds a bit harsh, but I’m just trying to be straight up with you. I only know this stuff because I’ve learned the hard way by making mistakes like you’re making. By putting my own self respect and integrity first, I have been surprised at the results, if I ever cross my self, which still happens sometimes, the effects are very bad. Trust me, work at getting your inner stuff together. It will make all aspects of your life better, not just your intimate relationships.