Hey,

I just wanted to bring something up. A couple of things you’ve said gave me the impression it might be useful, and that is that there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way, I got that from Wayne Dyer. I think a lot of people are always looking to the horizon, at the next thing, that when you arrive there you will be happy, but the thing is it’s like chasing a rainbow, there is no arriving. No particular set of circumstances etc can give you what you seek. Are you doing this at all? I get the impression you might be from some of the things you said that’s all.

I’ve been aware of the above quote intellectually for a few years, but it’s only the last few months that it’s really starting to sink in to the point that it’s giving me liberation. Concerning my big move that I mentioned, I realised that I had some of this mode of thinking wrapped up in the decision. I now think that although I feel good things will come of it and there’ll be great adventure and great times, it won’t give me what I truly want, it can’t fill that thing inside me, how could it, it’s inside me so nothing outside can fill that.

However, for me, doing this move is simply part of my inner path, part of the letting go. I’m doing my best to let go of expecting to get anything in particular out of it though. The inner answers are coming incidentally if that makes sense (i.e. regardless of my circumstances). Happiness, liberation, etc are developing inside me as a result of my meditating daily and looking within. I can’t tell you how liberating it is to let go of the idea that I have to go somewhere or do something to find ‘it’. This really takes the pressure off. As soon as you get even a hint of an idea in your head that everything’s gonna be great when I get to this particular place or am doing this particular thing (e.g. job) then I notice it creates a tension/anxiety inside me (very subtle- something that you may only pick up on in deep meditation) because of the dependence I’ve created on this thing giving me happiness. So somewhere inside me floating around is the message that I cannot be 100% happy until I am there or doing that, again it may be a very subtle message, but it has a lot of power. (Hmmm, it certainly benefits me just to write about this as it clarifies things for me more sharply.)

This brings me back to my first message. I feel, yes by all means follow your feeling of where to go and what to do next, but be careful about the above.

I’m in a similar boat with regard to people who I can talk to. Currently I have a few friends (who I’m grateful to have) who I can talk about things a little, but not fully, not to the level I’ve written above. However, I do anticipate that people more like-minded to myself will come into my life fairly soon, it’s only natural. I’m sure they will for you too when the time is right.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by AikiBen.

Hi lostgirl,

I really enjoyed reading your story. To me your story is packed with spiritual richness, that you are really onto something, I sense you realise this? But do not trust it/yourself? Your story brought so many points to mind which I’d love to make.

Your desire to live in the US and innate ability let’s say with the English language reminded me of Paramahansa Yogananda’s desire to go off to the Himalayas in his book Autobiography of a Yogi (have you read it?). I never used to believe in past life stuff, I thought it was a load of nonsense, but reading that book changed all this for me. Anyway, it’s interesting because just like you he had a strong unexplainable urge to go there and made a number of attempts during his youth to escape to there, but each time he was thwarted. He reckoned he was drawn there by a past life experience, but the thing is in the end he never ended up there so I guess he didn’t really have to go there, i.e. it wasn’t an essential component to his life purpose, as you might put it.

It’s funny how you talk about how you came to study film, that “you don’t know why”. You also say the same thing again for going to Montreal. I recently heard a spiritual teacher talk about how people are often asking for advice from God, praying for answers etc, and claiming not to be receiving any answers, but that actually the truth is being communicated to us in lots of subtle ways all the time. He gave the example of how for instance you might see, in my case a hot looking woman, and that there’s a quick and quiet feeling/voice inside that says, “don’t do it”, and the mind often will then question it, why? why shouldn’t I approach her? etc. But the thing is the truth will never justify itself, it just is. He said that it’s given life a free gift, take it or leave it. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that the universal life force if you will is moving through us all the time, we are it. My current spiritual understanding (by no mean infallible) is that “you don’t know why” is perfectly normal. The mind always wants to know (a function of the ego), always wants a reason why, but the higher intelligence is in charge and I’m sure you know by now that you can not reach the spiritual, truth, through the mind. You cannot work it out or get there through your logical reasoning function. From my experience whenever you try to do this you are just stifling the natural movement of life, and this is what I believe is the cause of all our struggles and suffering in life. This is the real meaning of going with the flow, and as it sounds, it’s effortless. However, it is also very difficult to do because it means having complete trust and faith in the universe. This is why you will read about how for spiritual masters life is effortless in this sense. They don’t struggle with life trying to work things out (which incidentally can’t be worked out). I practice Aikido and this is a physical demonstration of this spiritual principle – a few rare times it will happen that someone attacks me and I will throw them and it feels like I didn’t do anything – those times I was told I did it right. However, the majority of the time when someone attacks (life energy comes my way) I TRY to throw them, I struggle a bit, etc, and it just doesn’t work so well. To me it sounds great that at least you have done some of these things (gone with the flow) despite not understanding why, most people probably don’t, I know that for most of my life I haven’t or have at least struggled immensely trying to work things out instead of just letting them happen. To me, all you need to add are the ingredients of faith and trust in the universe and in your process. The book Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani helped me massively with this and I’d recommend it to you, it’s a nice read.

The seeing the London signs everywhere is a typical example of what happens when something is on your subconscious mind, it can result in selective seeing in your environment of anything associated with the object of your current desire.

Although you call your life a mess, I would call it a wonderful mess, and I think that is exactly the way life is meant to be. I think that the vast vast majority of people try to reduce the amount of chaos in their lives as much as possible, establish as much constancy and consistency as possible to get those things called security and control (an illusion of the ego). However, by doing this we stifle life. I saw the truth of this about 6 months ago in a certain situation I was in at the time. I really think that most people are effectively dead, they are living but they are not alive in the truest sense, because they have tried to remove themselves from the flow of life (whose nature is unpredictable) and in doing so have removed life itself. I guess this is one of the aspects of separation that spiritual people speak of.

Regarding things not ‘working out’ the first time round in London: “To everything there is a season”. To me there seems a perfect flow to your life story. It may just be that being in London the first time was to put the fire inside you to want to come back, but that the time wasn’t yet ripe for you to stay, that you first had to go through some other things first or/and certain things had to come into place, be set up for you. To me it’s all about trusting the almighty hand, maybe’s he/she is setting things up for you.

Lastly, “Trust Thyself” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. I really don’t think you’re going crazy. It sounds to me from your words that you have a sense that you know something perfectly non-crazy is happening, that again you just need to trust it, trust your own sense about it rather than the words of others. Most people will without doubt say something like that, i.e. maybe you should see someone, that’s it’s some mental dysfunction. People not on the spiritual path will never be able to comprehend such happenings, they cannot. By the same token (and I’m having equal difficulty with this one), as you start to progress in your spirituality, raise your awareness or vibration as some might say, you will start to experience an almighty chasm developing between yourself and family members as they remain in old (commonplace) awareness mode. Again, just as for your opening up experience, any higher knowledge, understanding, ideas, anything, will be incomprehensible to family, or rather only comprehensible at their current level of awareness, so whilst on the surface (intellectually) they will understand, they won’t really understand if that makes sense. It can be extremely frustrating and I’m learning that it’s best not to share it with them. This might sound like the wrong thing to do for some, but I now see that I cannot show them the light as it were, each person must seek it themselves, if they come asking for advice that’s another matter, but I then have to be very careful at giving it according to their current understanding – I’ve not been doing this well at all lately. If you need to talk about higher matters then do it only through equally enlightened individuals (friends/teachers), otherwise much frustration will ensue.

It’s funny, regarding your London situation, I for the last 8 months have had an identical thing for moving somewhere. For much of that time I’ve been trying to work out (I know lol) whether the desire is coming from my heart or from my mind (i.e. universal director or ego desire). You see, I didn’t want to fall into the trap which korkor has made allusion to above – am I just seeking happiness outside myself, in a place, after all the ‘kingdom of God is within’. However, more and more and after much meditation and coming to the conclusion that it’s the right thing for me to do. It’s an example of what on the surface seems like a paradox, which you often come across in spirituality. Yes, you don’t have to go anywhere to find what you are really looking for in life, to find truth, however, I believe that doesn’t mean that you should enforce upon yourself not to go anywhere because you ‘don’t need to’. Again, it’s about not stifling the life force. All I know is that the sense to go keeps arising in me and I’m now getting to a point where I believe I need to let go and do it, I think it will happen in the next few weeks in fact. By the way, clarity has come by stopping trying to work it out and just getting on with life, making more decisions, even if might be the ‘wrong thing’. The clarity has come by allowing myself to keep moving, to keep flowing. It will be interesting to see what happens if/when we both go for it here. For so long I’ve been wanting to jump into the boat of the unknown of following the heart, I’ve read how life flows form this, that one thing will lead to another, things that you’d never guessed come into your life, through the process of allowing. I’m in the process of allowing the allowing and I’m quite excited!

Normally I’d proofread, but that was a long reply and it’s late 🙂

Ben.

Sorry Will, I was a bit harsh in my first sentence there, funny how frustration from the day can taint what we say. I really just wished to expand on what you said.

Hi Matt,

Truth, that something that so many spiritual masters have tried to convey to others in the past like the Buddha, Jesus, etc, etc, cannot be given to others. You can only point the way to it. You can’t arrive at truth through logic, if it was that simple then anybody with a reasonable IQ would quickly learn how to be another Buddha. One of the main purposes of meditation is to get you out of your thinking mind (with all it’s conditioning, beliefs, opinions, logical arguments) to access something else. I’m certainly not enlightened, but I’ve had glimpses of what Jesus, Buddha and others have tried to express, and it’s only through these glimpses that I’ve really begun to comprehend what they were saying. The Buddha recognised this difficulty, and so always made the point that the teachings themselves are not the truth, I cannot show you the truth, I can only help point you in the direction of it.

Anyway, I was just trying to lay a foundation for saying what I’m about to say. I can see that you have a very firmly fixed opinion on what life is about. You make a good argument for it. But I am quite sure that there is something beyond that, far beyond it, such that if you were to see it, you would let go of this idea which you seem to be prepared to let you pull you into the depths before you will let go of it, or even question letting go of. You see, if you are fortunate enough (and open enough) to come across things written by those who are awakened, they will tell you that the path to truth is synonymous with letting go, letting go of our views, beliefs, opinions, ideas, all of it.

I recently came across a quote which said that, “the ‘clever’ are fools”. There’s a lot of truth to that statement. You see, it’s very easy when you’re intelligent to let the mind be the master and believe you are correct because you know you are intelligent and you are able to create good arguments to uphold your beliefs. Your cleverness is what is keeping you stuck. It is the old Zen proverb, your cup is completely full so nothing else can enter, you WILL NOT let it enter, I sense it strongly in your conviction. I’m not saying you have to change your belief or that it’s wrong, but what if you have only part of the answer? I’d invite you to keep questioning, to look further, to be open to other things and ideas. It’s funny, for myself, certain things that I said an absolute NO to in the past, saying it was all a load of complete nonsense, I eventually was open enough to give it the benefit of the doubt and all of my previously held super strong conviction that I was correct was embarrassingly blown out of the water. Mark my words however, this is very difficult, many people will not bare to really have their deeply held beliefs questioned.

I want to say one last thing about Jesus just to highlight what I’m saying about truth, beliefs, etc (I’m not actually religious you might be surprised to hear but I’m just using it to make a point). When he would give his teachings, he was accused by the religious authorities at the time of committing blasphemy. These men thought that things that Jesus did were wrong, that he went again religious ideas. They were fuming about it in many instances, why do you think they crucified him. You see, everyone suffers from the same problems, they have their own fixed ideas on the way things are. These men of the religious authorities at the time, the vast majority would not have been in any way awakened, would not have been able to see truth. They were only going off their own opinions and beliefs and what they had learned from their religious texts. If you listen to people talk who have genuinely experienced an awakening, they say they have no views on anything, they seem to have a peaceful presence about them that just knows, if you are ever fortunate enough to be around such a person. They have let go of any ideas about what life should be like, etc.

I invite you to watch a few videos by Adyashanti on YouTube, there are many so find a few titles that catch your eye and watch those. It might be that you won’t be able to stand him, which is fine, he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it might be interesting to you.

Hi Spidey,

I’ve been through this myself when I was at college and all through uni- so several years. Since that time I’ve learned how to turn the tables, I went from exactly where you are to having girls addicted to me, yes I appear very arrogant right now saying that, I’m aware of that, but I just want to tell you the truth so you know I’ve been through it and come out the other side successful.

Firstly, Dude is bang on the money, follow his advice. My intentions were also honourable as you put it, I’m very selective when it comes to women and I was in no way a user of women. There is a logic to women (I learned this from David DeAngelo, so I have to acknowledge him here, you can find his materials online), but it is counter-intuitive. The principle operating in your situation is identical to marketing: people want what they can’t have, it also works the opposite way. I can see you are beginning to grasp this but not putting it into action firmly enough. Do you think it is a coincidence that she suddenly started contacting you after you didn’t talk to her “all spring and summer”?

You still have a chance with this woman as you haven’t done anything horrendously needy to end all hope, but it is on the edge of a knife. What I would personally do here is not contact her at all now. I think she will initiate contact again in time, not definitely but there’s a good chance. If and when she does, reply but fairly nonchalantly, without being rude though. Just keep your reply short and sweet. If you get this far she will probably suggest meeting up in some way shortly later (again wait for her to contact you!). Say NO to this request! That you’re busy whatever and maybe some other time, but don’t promise anything, that’s it for now. This is the point the tables begin to turn. Again, wait for her to initiate, there’s a very good chance she will later on. If she does then again I’d be quite nonchalant and say I’m busy then, but maybe in two weeks time etc, text me again around that time and maybe we can meet. An excellent thing which David D says it to never give a direct answer to a woman unless it’s “NO”, that keeps the stock prices high so to speak.

Now, that was the short-term, technique answer. However, all of the above is just technique and you can use it with success with practice, however it is not really authentic- you are acting not-needy but really, inside you are needy, otherwise you literally wouldn’t invest so much of yourself into it. I can tell you that if you just learn the logic and apply it and become successful with women, it will not make you happy. I wish I could make you believe me but there is no way I can, you may have to go through this yourself to know for yourself that this is true. This is the reason I’ve told you the technique, some on here will likely criticise me for doing so because I’m teaching you to not be authentic. The truth is, I’ve told you what to do so that you can walk the path yourself, come out the side, and become a better person because of it. The real answer is I’m afraid, as usual, not a quick fix, the real answer is to address your inner self- to create a strong boundary (you will then naturally be non-needy), how to have strong integrity, keep your power/self-esteem, basically how to become a mature, masculine man. By the way I’m still learning, and I’m not being critical of you here, we are all at our own stage of growth, you are clearly already way ahead of the game compared to many. But if you learn this, think what a gift to a great woman you will be in the future, and a gift to the world! I actually invested in David D’s ‘inner game’ program which is what started me on this path. I can tell you that although it’s a struggle at first, if you commit to it, the results are more than worth it, all aspects of your life will improve!

This is a highly pervasive issue in modern day society, all the people on dating sites NEEDING a partner (not all admittedly, but many). Feeling complete yourself first is essential. This is also the only way I believe to have a truly healthy relationship because true love is an act of giving, if you come to a relationship to get something, to fill a missing part inside, then it will lead to trouble somewhere along the line. Someone does not complete you, strive to be already complete, then if a relationship comes along it will be the icing on cake- you will already be happy mind, it is doable!. Too many have no ‘cake’ to start with and want someone else to be the cake.

A pitfall to avoid if you do walk this path is that, you are not trying to make yourself better, but rather learn what it takes to be the real you you are capable of being deep down. For example, rather than feeling all needy around a woman, which consequently prevents you from being yourself, when you lose the neediness (which pushes women away, people in general for that matter), women will feel drawn towards you when you interact with them, it’s surreal when this happens. However, it is important to still keep your integrity at such times, if you feel the woman is not right for you you honour that and do not take advantage of her. Do it if you want and you will feel the consequences of your actions very quickly inside. Anyway, getting ahead of myself here

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Ben.

Hi Joey,

There are parts that I would agree above and parts that I don’t. Firstly, it’s not YOUR job to fix the world, when you try to take on such a responsibility you will be overwhelmed, which will surely make you feel disempowered, and your ability to bring love into the world will therefore decrease, just using this logic you can know that this approach is not correct. By the sounds of things you are already doing great things. It is important to have your own life together, to be centered yourself, before you can truly help another. From a position of strength you can offer strength.

By all means, you could go over and help directly (hands-on so to speak), if you think this is the best thing to do, but perhaps you can have more effect, reach more people doing what you’re doing. Slightly contrary to the above, yes, you are already doing very well if you are raising yourself and the few people around you to a higher level, and those effects spread out like a ripple. But of course, some people do effect entire communities, countries, and even the world.

Hi Kerry,

You may never read this since the post is from a long time ago, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said above that you have misunderstood. I spoke from pride and ignorance. The arising of undesirable feelings may be a good sign for all I know, showing you things that you need to confront and deal with in order to move through and grow… but this is only a guess, only you really know.

Please forgive my past ignorance on this.

Ben.