Hi Victoria,
I feel like I can relate to you in so many ways. I’m also in my early twenties, and although our stories are quite different, our feelings/approach sound similar. To be honest, I think the idea that everything will be better once you get to the other side is a trap that we really need to stop allowing ourselves to fall into. I am on the other side of that trap right now, living as an expat in a country I thought I would love living in, pursuing a graduate degree I thought was right for me. Turns out, it’s not right–none of it. This is not to say that yours won’t be right, I’m just saying, be careful with your imagination.

I spent so much time building up my idea of how great my future life would be, that the realities of how life really was when I got here completely shook my foundation. In some ways, fantasizing about the life I was going to have felt empowering in the moment. It gave me some strength, something to look forward to. And I think that’s a good thing. I believed I could have anything, and felt confident that things would work. But I’ve learned I have to find a way to see that confidence and feel that strength, but pull it into my present situation, because now is all we have. I built up this life in my head that didn’t take into account how difficult it would be to start life in a new country. Moving somewhere is different than travelling there. Life as an expat is rough and can be isolating at times, so I recommend reading up on expat experiences. It might help prepare you. It’s worth it, to take the risk and move across the world on your own, and I commend you for being so brave. But just remember that there will still be challenges. When things didn’t end up going the way I thought they would, I became completely anxious and depressed. I cried every day, not because I was homesick, but because I was disappointed. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. It wasn’t actually right. I could feel it in my gut. I needed to NOT be here. I could not handle the difficult situations, the issues with school, not making the amazing friends I imagined I would, a relationship breakup, family issues back home, all these things compounded on my time here and I was not prepared for any of it.

I’m now leaving my graduate program in a month (it wasn’t right for me) and moving back across the world to my home country. But even now, I fall into that same trap. I’m here, where I thought everything would become magically better, and I’m focusing so much of my thoughts into my future life, that I am having a hard time enjoying my time in this city I thought I would LOVE living in. But I’m trying, and I’m finding that if I focus on the realities, that life back home may not be perfect, and then I think of how it might not be perfect, but I still know I want to go there, it helps me be HERE…now.

I have learned so much, and I know I needed to experience this to learn the things I did. And I believe you have to experience it to learn the things you have and will, but my best advice is to TRY your hardest to recognize that, yes, it will be liberating and exciting to move and start anew. But also recognize that it will be a struggle, there will be challenges, and if you’re not prepared for those, it can completely ruin the experience. So when you’re thinking of your life there, try to be as realisitic as possible, without being a pessimist. When you start to realize that everything in your world won’t be magically fixed, you might be able to focus, little by little, more on the present moment. If you’re in the present, time will go much more quickly. Also, I completely relate to you with the veggie, yoga, wellness routine stuff. My advice there, make yourself do it, don’t think about it, just DO it. Behaviors, in times like these, are our best friends. Healthy habits, don’t think too much, just do them.

Hope this helps!!
With Peace