Hi Anita,

I forgot to mention that my therapist did email me back to address my concerns and told me we will be discussing it when I see her next. She thankfully has the ethics to not acknowledge my concerns. When I say I don’t feel much connection with her I think I mean emotionally

Dear GL

You’re correct in wondering whether my childhood ties into why I find unavailable men attractive. My father  left the family when I was 12 years old. This ties into my trust issues with men. The reason that I mention JJ is because I realised that I only could acknowledge feelings that were already existent for him once he became unavailable. We were friends for three years before I acknowledged my feelings, and looking back there had been signs all along. He is also the first man that I have been the most emotionally vulnerable with and that was a powerful experience for me.

I started dating after the JJ incident because I could see that I needed to get to know new men and try to experience love and sex in a way that wasn’t going to be hurtful for me and that dating would help me explore myself more in a way.  But it seems to me that I just end up self sabotaging all these dates anyway … this is why I also am questioning my sexuality. Because surely if I am excited by the men I date/ attracted why do I do this? And why does my excitement feel  nuanced, uncertain  and more mild? I was used to feeling intoxicating attraction with different men earlier on when I wasn’t dating. Why when men are further away can I feel the full extent to my attraction. Anxiety likely doesn’t help the process, but my anxiety makes me wander if there is more to the issue than trust issues and actually a larger question of my sexuality.

Regarding JJ and flirting behaviour- you are probably right, he might just be a person who flirts for fun. Actually he had a previous female friend of ours fall for him and they no longer speak so maybe he might learn from both experiences that flirting with your friends isn’t such a good idea.? I also should have learnt from that past experience, having seen another woman go through the same thing. At the time with our mutual friend however, he definitely knew she had feelings and attempted to thwart her efforts at establishing dates etc, so I really do not buy that he had no idea of my feelings. He is cleverer than that. Or maybe I am really good at concealing my feelings, who knows. I just am still a little bitter clearly and feel misled, rightly or wrongly.

I actually do think I’m on the field of demisexuality, looking back attraction to me has always come after some interaction and established bond. I think the reason why my anxiety has attached to the issue of sexuality is because of how fluid sexuality can be. There is no certainty. And the more I date the more I realise this fact which in a way freaks me out. The sexual shame is something Im working on with my counsellor, I am very aware of where it comes from and  working on challenging it.

I will check the book out that you suggested, thank you for the recommendation.

As well, thanks for the encouraging words, I think I have only started the journey of trying to find myself, maybe that’s why the anxiety is so strong. I was extremely co-dependent until very recently and struggle with  a sense of self due to my abusive/neglectful childhood. But you’re right I do have hope and I hope that it takes me to new levels of discovery, joy and challenges.

Kind regards

Hi Anita,

I’ve been trying to think of it and I do not know of any other fairness requirement other than the STD thing, which luckily for me is not an issue.

To clarify I have ‘hooked up’ with someone I met at a bar once and it was such an uncomfortable, and hollow experience for me that I stopped mid way. The other men I have engaged with I have met on 1-3 dates, but looking back that is way too fast to me and feels similar to ‘hook up’ aka no real trust/ emotional intimacy established.

I am interested in dating men again, but I realise that I have in the past failed to establish my needs- that is emotional intimacy/ trust before sex. It is all so new to me that I guess I have rushed the process looking back and also somewhat feared rejection. As well I find it hard to be vulnerable enough to admit that I am a person who needs time and is uncertain of how long that time will take for fear that there is something wrong with me/ that opening up in this way will make the man reject me. But I have realised if they run away then it is better I know sooner rather than later. I think it is the vulnerability that scares me. To show myself completely, and to let someone near enough terrifies me and this ties so much into the issue of sex as well.

You have given me a lot to think about, and hopefully I can report back to you further about this.

Kind regards.

Dear Anita,

‘Healing  is about gently and gradually becoming aware and being  able to endure the excitation without shutting down soon after every excitation’

Wow this has given me a lot to think about, thank you kindly

As well, I forgot to mention; if I am disassociated why do I feel all these negative emotions (anxiety, crying) everyday?

Many thanks for for your insight and taking time to respond to me