Hi there,

I just came across this because I saw ‘invisible voices’ as the title, and I have this issue too. Not with being hit or being in an abusive relationship but negative self-talk in general, largely to do with anxiety. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I thought I’d offer my take, if it’s okay.

Do you know how when you’re on an airplane, they explain how the oxygen masks work? They tell you to put the mask on yourself before helping anyone else, including your children. Because you can’t help them if you are not safe first.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to leave that relationship. It’s a place that you aren’t safe, and that is the first requirement of a relationship. Safety, respect, trust – those are all fundamentals. It sounds like you’ve had abusive relationships before, and that you’ve lost sight of what a normal, healthy relationship is. If it’s abusive, in any way (including verbal) it is not healthy.

You can’t take care of your children if you don’t first take care of yourself. Leave the toxic, dangerous and upsetting relationship, no matter how hard it is for you, because you will never get better for as long as you stay in it. Be strong for yourself and for your children. By taking the time to take care of yourself, you will also be taking care of them. It’s time for you and your kids – but it must start with you.

I don’t know you but I wish you the best. Listen to your heart. Listen to the stronger voices. Listen to the feeling in your belly. Sometimes, our heads get confused. But our hearts know what’s right. Quiet down and listen. You’ll feel the truth, and you’ll feel what’s right. Look at your children and do what is best and safe for them. Don’t let them grow up witnessing their mother in a bad relationship. Do it for yourself and for them. You must protect yourself in order to protect your children.

You can do it. I believe in you. You’re stronger than you think.

Aeris

Hi Amanda,

I read your post and noticed similarities between your life and mine. I have never been married but I do have an unstable mother (she suffers from depression and schizophrenia) my father passed away when I was 14 and I became used to being the ‘rescuer’ as well. You grow accustomed to taking care of the people you care about because they need you. But sometimes you forget to take care of yourself, which is the most important thing we can do. You can’t help others if you are not well (a drowning person cannot save another drowning person). I also understand being a chameleon. I’ve had a passion for acting my entire life and through my characters, I’ve been able to hide from myself. I’ve always wanted traits that other people have, and been so eager to step into someone else’s shoes, that I don’t even know what I look like anymore. It’s been a journey of stepping back and really looking at myself and saying, ‘who am I?’

I think that your tendency to be a chameleon and change depending on the circumstances is a form of protection for yourself. One I’ve used, too. If I’m scared in a situation, I pretend I’m someone else, someone who could handle it better than me. It helps. But this is a form of hiding. It’s a barrier between yourself and life. It isn’t easy, but I think a good first step for you is to acknowledge your feelings. When you’re scared, instead of changing into someone who isn’t, say, ‘I feel scared right now. This situation has me feeling uncomfortable and I’m not sure what to do.’ I know it sounds simple, but this technique has worked wonders for me. Just acknowledging how I feel instead of hiding from it. Once you say, ‘hey fear, I see you there’ it is extremely refreshing and actually is less scary. You’re more afraid of what you can’t see. Once you acknowledge what it is, it’s tangible and therefore, you can let it go instead of hiding from it. This works in all situations. If you’re around your bickering family and it’s getting to you, acknowledge it. ‘I’m having a difficult time coping with this hectic, frustrating energy. I’m going to take some time away to clear my head.’ Rather than just sitting by and letting it take you down, or forcing yourself to cope, you’re listening to your body and mind.

I’m sorry that this is so long. To summarise, I would say just start listening to yourself. Don’t sit down and analyze your every thought — that would be impossible. Simply start acknowledging how you feel. ‘This tense room makes me feel stressed.’ ‘I’m happy about this accomplishment.’ ‘I had fun doing this activity or learning about that subject.’ Take everyone else out of it and listen to yourself. Your body is smart. Start to listen instead of tricking yourself. There’s no need.

You’re unique, special and interesting as the person you are. Be brave. Take off your mask and take it one day at a time. Just remember — you’re worth getting to know. You can’t live your life without you.

Blessed be,
Aeris