Just saw your latest reply. There were times when each of us were ill but that was before everything started breaking down. So the first times we took good care of each other. Later on, it was more like “you can’t be feeling that ill”. Same for the chores. We divided them up some time in the beginning and were good. Until she started not doing hers and complaining that I should be doing more because “taking out the trash is a man’s job”. Which was a non-argument because we were talking about doing the laundry, not taking out the trash, and I had been covering with the laundry because she never got around to it. She didn’t even care that I was too busy covering hers – like watering the flowers (her flowers which she had moved in with) which she always said she’d but always forgot about. Almost all of those plants are still alive in my apartment today (one died for whatever reason) and I actually took more in. I guess I won a new hobby just because she hated hers too much 🙂

Colton,

I’m a first time poster here, on this forum, and the only reason I’ve decided to post (I know, I should reach out to people more 🙂 ) is because your story seems very similar to one I’ve lived through. I can recognize all of that behavior. In my case, it didn’t happen from day one, it actually took a couple of years before things started getting messy – up until that point, I had never had these issues. The only possible sign was that she accused me of infidelity twice – which could never have been the case especially since we spent almost all of our time together outside of myself going to work. And please trust me that I could never do something that demeaning to another human being after seeing the results of infidelity upon some of my closer friends.

I don’t know if this was the way your girlfriend behaved from the onset. I’ll just repeat that with us there were no clear signs of this for a good amount of time – if this is the same in your situation, you’re not alone. Once her behavior degenerated, however, I tried my best to repair things. I actually misassumed it had something to do with her work-related stress (she hated her job and was trying to find something better) so I tried offering support, talking, suggesting couples therapy, searching for more things to do together, trying to support her in any activity that would help her relieve stress, anything that could improve things. Any discussion lead to the same: it was always either myself to blame or, extremely rarely, some reference to her internal struggles and issues (these, unfortunately, only led me into thinking there was a point in fighting for this relationship). In the end, nothing was ever enough and the work I’ve had to go through trying to hold the ship together was destructive to myself both physically and mentally. I was also going through the loss of someone I cared for at that point, was constantly fighting work-related stress as well as a medical issue – all of these relationship issues and constant demeaning did nothing to improve my overall well-being as you might imagine.

It was one month before we finally broke up that I remembered about BPD – I’m not a medical professional, either, but the disorder was known to me and I could have seen some clear signs had I not tried explaining everything via stress and other external conditions. At first I thought I was a cold-hearted, vindictive bastard for trying to pin things like this on the poor girl for rejecting me because I wasn’t doing enough (I know, I know…) but her behavior when we parted ways only made me reinforce this opinion. I’ve gone from being accused of more fake infidelity through being accused of trying to “destroy her life” or to convince her to commit suicide. I’m not saying this might be the case with you, just explaining that things become more clear with time and distance.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should be confident about your own self-worth and your own perception of reality – it’s hard to forget that you’re a strong and discerning person when being abused and accused constantly. You’ve chosen to reach out for advice which shows, to me, that you’re willing to do something to save this relationship if it is truly worth saving. I see no such signs from her part.

Once you’re feeling confident enough, try to find some alone time and think well of her behavior – there might be more signs to the toxicity of this relationship there than you can recognize right now. Things you might have actually taken the blame for which were of no fault of your own just to try and get things moving from a bad moment or situation. Things you enjoy and have given up to not cause her further distress/anxiety. Think well and hard and block all happy thoughts regarding the relationship at that point – you’re not trying to evaluate the pros and cons, just to understand the degree of her misbehaving. Looking back, I found many more instances of that in those final 6 months of three years than I was aware of or I’m now willing to admit 🙂

And if you ever feel afraid of ending things if you think you’ve had enough – don’t be. Just don’t be :). It caused me great pain when things finally broke and her behavior towards myself was abysmal. It took me a while but I finally realized all that pain was much less than what I would have faced had I continued living that toxic relationship. Since then, I’ve overcome my medical issues, lost a lot of pounds gained because of illness/stress/laziness, have traveled much more than before and started doing new and exciting things, exercising often and, generally, having a lot of fun. Things I never did in that time because she’d always find a reason not to (and, sadly, things we weren’t doing that she blamed me for when we broke up). This is how I remembered who I truly was and how much that toxic relationship had taken away from me.

Be strong and please reach out if you feel like discussing things further.