You are right about my husband not being assertive. He is a “keep the peace” type of person too. He rarely lets other people’s behavior upset him. His feeling is “well, people will just be people”. In some ways that lets people get away with poor behavior and act without integrity.

I just watched a video by Mel Robbins regarding money and integrity. She says in a case where you have to choose money or integrity, always choose integrity. My BIL and SIL have chosen money over acting with integrity. I feel like I know who they really are now, and it was actually something I had already known – they like nice things. Nice things come first. I saw the writing on the wall with this loan and I am disappointed to be proved right.

At least I have a good excuse for denying a loan to anyone else ever again: bad experience! Basically if ever approached for a loan again I will just say, “I’m sorry but we are not in a position to help out right now.”

This situation is not the only difficult one I’ve had in recent years and my anxiety has not been significantly improved with self-help and self-care so I am going to see a counsellor next week. I’ve been off anxiety meds for 11 years and vowed I would never go back on them, but this thing is really impacting my life in a negative way and I think I need help.

Not only am I a people pleaser, I am known in the family as the “peace maker”. I am very conflict-avoidant. I’m not sure why but I suspect a bunch of reasons have contributed. I was bullied by some classic Mean Girls in 6th grade when I started at a new school. One day they would be my friends, the next they would pull my hair, flush my socks down the toilet in gym class, etc. I think I learned not to trust people from that experience.

At some point after I learned that if you don’t make waves, that if you make yourself small, don’t give anyone any reason to not like you then you can get through life without too much pain.

But the pain comes anyway, no matter what you do. I often fantasize about running away from home, living alone in some cabin in the woods with no contact with the outside world, lol.

As an update to my BIL, he emailed me yesterday to say that he done a deposit of $2,500 and I see it has appeared in our bank account. So, we are down to $9,100. At least it’s less than half of what we loaned out. My husband says he is going to call his brother to discuss my freakout and explain my anxiety disorder to him, etc. So then I started to feel bad, like I made a big deal about it and maybe this whole thing is my fault. If I had just left it alone they would have paid something on the loan, and no one would be mad at me.

I don’t know what to think. Maybe my anxiety disorder made me over-react to the Facebook post showing their latest purchase? It has been years of expensive purchases (I forgot to mention the $750 designer dog they got a year ago). Was I wrong to get upset about it? Am I the crazy “bad guy”here?

I was just reading a quote about forgiveness. I always have struggled with forgiving people, and also forgiving myself, I think.

The quote said forgiving is to “make peace” with it. I like that better than the word forgiveness.

Even  though forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook for the wrong they’ve done you, I can’t seem to think of the word “forgive” any other way.

I need to start making peace with this situation. For myself, because it’s eating me up.

You’re right about having compassion for myself. Some self-care is in order, I think.

I emailed my BIL yesterday to ask when we might expect a deposit this week as he promised and he has not responded. I guess avoidance is the game they are playing now.

My husband isn’t keen on me making a big scene about this. I feel I’m in an awkward position.

Hey Pearce,

Thank you for that advice. I hope it doesn’t come to that but that’s why I got a promissory note: I saw the writing on the wall.

So, my SIL was very defensive. The purchase was one of those expensive wooden playsets for their backyard and her post was about how excited their kids would be in the morning. It sent me over the edge! I thought it was new, but it turns out it was used, which she retorted to me, saying it was only $500 (plus $60 for a  Uhaul to move it) and it was a “golden opportunity” and they “just couldn’t pass it up”.
She went on to say she didn’t want to take the loan any more than I wanted to give it.

But they DID take the loan, so it’s their responsibility to pay it back. She is from another country and said they were going to forego a trip to her homeland in order to “get their finances in order”.

Oh, there is no question, we will NEVER NEVER EVER give them, or any other family member a loan ever again!

Thanks for your kind words. They are much appreciated right now.

Thanks Pearce. I am so sorry to hear about what you went through with your family members when you loaned them money (such a large amount, too). I said from the beginning that this was going to be the outcome and I hate that I am right. My husband isn’t very bothered by it, he says “they’ll pay it back eventually” but it really just pisses me off. I know my husband wouldn’t let it ruin his relationship with his brother, but I’m just not that forgiving.

After I sent the email to his wife saying I was upset about their recent purchase, my BIL texted my husband to say he would send us $2,500 this week. We shall see. My BIL is very religious, and claims to be a very moral person, but this money situation has shown me another side of him, one that puts status above all else.

I hope it doesn’t come to legal action. I see that in my state (though they live in another state) there is 6 year statute of limitations on a promissory note. We are blessed that we are not in need of the money right now (though I don’t want them to know that!) The thing that irks me too is that my BIL doesn’t pay us anything unless I bitch at him. So I guess I’ll have to make it a habit to approach him once a month to ask about the loan. Perhaps just annoying the hell out of him might work.

Thanks again for your perspective! Greatly appreciated 🙂