oh the rollercoaster of dating!! Buckle up @genie and @michelle

So we met up last night and things went well. After 8 weeks of not having face to face interaction with anyone but my two flatmates I was more than a bit shellshocked. But I warmed up soon enough and we had a nice dinner and then went back to my place to watch a movie as planned. It was a bit awkward at first, as these first times are, but soon enough we ended up holding hands and then cuddling and I felt so nice and warm and fuzzy. Then the movie ended and the credits rolled and she repositioned herself to kiss me and all my fantasies were becoming reality. Things carried on for quite awhile; we were clearly both into it, off came clothes and well, things got a bit more physical than I expected even. Then we just lay together for for awhile, in the glow, you know the one. And then she left because she had to drive home and while part of me wanted her to stay I reassured myself that there was plenty of time for that. She thanked me for a lovely night and said she’d had a good time; I agreed. She messaged me a funny picture, sort of an inside joke, when she got home and I responded about it in relation our next date and she agreed.  I fell asleep feeling great, excited to explore things more now we could meet regularly.

this morning I woke up feeling very anxious as I usually do after dates, and especially this time as things had obviously escalated way beyond what they had before. I resisted texting her immediately and zoomed with an overseas friend. Then I found that she had left something behind so I took a photo and sent a jokey text. She responded straight away and we had a few texts back and forth, but she seemed less enthusiastic than me in tone which worried me. I wanted to seek reassurance that she’d found things ok and apologise for potentiality being a bit hesitant physically and explain there was a lot to process going from 8 weeks of no contact to a lot of physical contact. But I reminded myself that that strategy doesn’t work and to just try and sit with it and trust she meant what she said.

Then I got a text a few hours later and I knew seeing the length in the preview that it was a rejection text. She basically said that while she’s so glad we got to meet and that I’m x y and z good quality being with me made her realise she’s not over her last relationship and didn’t want to string me along, but would love to be friends. Oh that familiar sting of rejection!!! I spent a few minutes thinking about a response and essentially thanked her for her honesty but also said that I had gotten my hopes up and wasn’t sure I was up for friendship before I worked through my feelings. I also asked if I could have done anything differently. We ended up having a really nice, but sad, “it’s not you it’s me” exchange. I told her that while it will hurt because she has become a comforting part of my life I needed to cut contact for awhile (learning!) and would be in touch in a few weeks to see where I was at in terms of being friends. She said she would miss my messages too but would be here when I was ready.

And then I reached out to the one friend who knew the most about it and cried and cried, reaches out to more friends, and cried some more! And here I am, lying in bed lamenting that we were here together just last night and cursing being in this situation again. Do I think she was someone I would have been with forever? No, but the loss of potential is sad all the same. We had started making plans; she had invited me to a birthday party she was planning to have in a month with close friends and family. I don’t doubt she had feelings for me, but I guess felt she couldn’t commit to it fully. The fact I couldn’t have done anything differently both heartens and saddens me, because it illustrates perfectly how things are often not in our control – timing, where other people are at, and so on, and that’s hard.

So anyway, no doubt I’ll be sad for awhile. And who knows what our relationship will be in future, but I have learned that only time brings clarity and for now I have to just take care of myself. This whole experience did teach me that I for one am 100% over my ex which is great progress in itself, and I wish the same for her because it’s awful pining over something in the past while letting new possibilities I.e. a relationship with me pass you by. I do feel a whole lot stronger this time and I know I will be ok – obviously things didn’t progress to the same extent as they did last time, so it’s not heartbreak just bitter disappointment! I am proud that I put myself out there again and proud I have chosen a decisive course of action and set firm boundaries from the start. I have definitely learned a lot- just have to trust that one day the timing is right. But for tonight and maybe a few after that, I’ll let myself cry about it!!!

Thanks for reading. Love to you both.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Adelaide1.

Hey @michelle and @genie

Good to hear from you both. I keep you in my thoughts daily looking at the news coming out of the UK. Absolutely dreadful! There is a great video circulating the internet comparing the UK and NZ government responses and it really highlights the starkness of it. I really hope you can see your families soon and you and everyone you know stay well. Look forward to sharing some great local tips when the time comes Michelle; hell, I’ll even pick up the tab if you come to my city! Good to hear you are treating yourself to some familiar cuisine. NZ food is very similar to the UK’s being a colony and all. I can’t believe people can still fly into the UK to be honest – I think our borders will be closed til at least next year… (speculating but wouldn’t be surprised). Lots of time to save up for a massive post pandemic travel splurge I guess!

Genie, genuinely so lovely to read about your anxiety disappearing lately, and how very exciting that you have now met Jays parents – virtually at least! Huge progress that you should be very proud of! So glad you are only looking forward now and deservedly looking forward to the possibilities the future holds! I hope the others are doing well too.

All good things to report on my front! The parcel she sent ended up being some treats from the local bakery, yum! I texted her to thank her and she joked about me bringing her breakfast in bed so I actually got food delivered to her house on a delivery app and she was so stoked; it was a really nice exchange.

We have got into a pattern of being contact throughout parts of the day now; most of the conversation is light and flirty, but we have also both shown a more vulnerable side which is nice. During a deeper conversation I expressed that to be honest I was a bit worried about my lack of experience physically and not meeting her expectations. She responded so kindly and gently, I was touched. She also told me directly that she liked me a lot and is really looking forward to meeting up in person, and I made it clear I feel the same!

So now it is just a matter of when… the government is making a decision to move down levels or not next Monday and so it is possible we could meet up later that week! But also depends on her sister as she is in a high risk category so may have to be careful. In the meantime, we have got into a nice pattern of isodate movie watching which I will happily keep up. But yeah it would be super nice to meet in person sooner rather than later, not gonna lie!

A potential lockdown love story… I have to chuckle, so on brand for me in terms of the ridiculousness of it all! Til the next installment, take care and thanks as always for your great support! I owe you both a lot. 🙂

Hey both

Fabulous news about the isodate Genie! Very excited for you. I’m sorry to hear you continue to feel unwell; agree with Michelle that some fresh air and time outdoors would probably be good. I can understand why that may worry you though.

I am based in New Zealand; you may have heard our PM’s response being praised. Very strict lockdown measures from very early on, prior to any deaths. Of course it helps that we are an island at the bottom of the world but the swift response seems to have done the trick and I feel very grateful indeed to be here. From next Tuesday we will move down a lockdown ‘level’ to being able to get takeaways delivered – but otherwise still at home – looking forward to not having to cook every night! After two weeks of that they will review the situation and hopefully from there restrictions can be gradual eased. Very grateful to have a timeframe – many other places are not so lucky because things have got out of control. And I am lucky to have very strong social networks so have been catching up with heaps of friends virtually, as well as my flatmates in person. Am thinking of you both and hope you and your families keep safe and well! And yes it is hard not to get into politics eh!!

Isodate went well! Movie we watched was average but we messaged throughout so didn’t really matter, then FaceTimed for a bit after. She said she enjoyed my company and thanked me for a great time and yet my anxiety was gnawing at me again all night, about how the conversation went and what I did or didn’t say, whether she enjoyed it really or was just saying that. Same old! My instinct is always to reach out and seek reassurance but I learned with my ex that when I’m in this space no amount of reassurance works. So instead I just sat with it and as suspected felt better throughout the day. She messaged me to check in late afternoon and we texted on and off all evening – playfully and quite often flirtatiously. I really enjoy her company even at a distance and she obviously enjoys mind also! As I think I said my ex never really texted just to make conversation and it made me feel very insecure so I am still getting used to the difference in communication style but it’s definitely positive and I’m glad I didn’t let my anxiety drive my reaction. Seems like we are on track for another isodate at some point and  hopefully one in person soon enough!

Thanks for your kind words about relearning things. This sort of thing is a lifetime of work but given my progress in the last six months I am excited about further positive changes. Just gotta keep working at it eh.

Take care both. Make sure you tell us about your impending isodate Genie! I’m in my cheerleading T-shirt for you. 🙂

Hey both!

@genie Thanks for your nice feedback on my writing. I’m glad you find it helpful! Thanks so much for the cheerleading and support! Re “cutting the cord”, the latest interactions I’ve had with both my ex and flirty acquaintance has been on Twitter which is public anyway. I’ve committed to myself that I’ll only interact with them on public platforms now, if at all, as they’ll be able to see what I say regardless – but you’re right there’s always a risk of temptation. I think now that I see how unfulfilling the relationship with my ex was, from an objective perspective, it’s unlikely. Like you say, progress! 🙂

I think Michelle has excellent advice re Jay coming to stay with you. Let us know what you decide! I am very happy to hear that you too have moved on and recognised you deserve a life-giving relationship! I do think you guys should consider a series of iso-dates if you don’t end up together in quarantine; amazing how creative one can get!

@Michelle, your celebrations sound lovely! And reading about you planning your next adventures made me smile. Must be extra sweet to do so knowing you have the all clear health wise!

It’s reassuring that you can relate to the ‘rules’ thing as I do feel a bit ridiculous! And I think you’re right about it being a need to get things ‘right’. What I am learning too is that different people of course react differently – so reminding myself that just because my ex did or didn’t do something doesn’t mean this person will do the same makes me less afraid to try things out.

Our next iso-date we are thinking we will eat ice cream in our pajamas and watch something together again. What makes it quite cute is that she got ice cream delivered to my house (I knew she was getting something delivered but wasn’t sure what), so we will be eating matching ice cream! I also ordered her some flower shaped cookies because it’s the closest thing I can find to flowers at the moment. I don’t think she’s got them yet though.Who says romance isn’t possible long distance… 🙂

Re resilience and humour, yep humour is my go-to, too! I haven’t seen my therapist in awhile but when I am talking about my anxieties, or a particular thought pattern of mine, she has said to me a few times “you’re laughing about this?” And I say “yes because it is so typical of me!” so yep it does really help to have a laugh at our own expense. I have the resilient feeling you describe  in other areas of my life but it’s fair to say that because I am so inexperienced with romantic relationships, I have a lot of work to do to build it in this aspect. However as you say, the more I do or don’t do things the more confident I feel so I guess I just have to keep at it.

Thanks both for your kind words about my friend’s/Flatmate’s suicide. I feel like therapy has helped me in terms of just being ok with sitting in the sadness of it all whenever I need to. And being ok with the fact that even if other people in my life don’t acknowledge the impact of it on me (e.g my parents, whose way of dealing with hard things is to minimise them), I can acknowledge it myself.

Sheesh, I do feel I have put a lot of work into some heavy stuff the last six months or so. Nice to reap some benefits from it. Thanks for always being a great sounding board! Take care! X

Hey @genie and @michelle!

Michelle, what wonderful news! I am so happy for you. A huge relief indeed. Well done on taking your own advice – no doubt it was good!

Genie, sounds like that pesky inner critic is holding you back a bit, but it’s great you recognise that. I have been learning that trying to control things is all a ruse anyway. It helps anxiety in the short term but doesn’t actually relieve anything at the end of the day; it’s all a perception of control more than anything. I’m sure you know this already! As you say he has stuck by you this far. And you gave me some great advice about just enjoying the moment, without expectation, so why don’t you just try do more of that? I often find myself getting stuck in patterns of “I don’t want to seem too X so I will or won’t do Y”, but I’m learning that that isn’t necessarily helpful and the best interactions are when I just let myself go and enjoy them for what they are without thinking too much. Hope you are able to see each other in person soon enough!

Update on the isodate (not sure if I made that up or saw it somewhere but I do love it too). Thanks for your support and good wishes! We did it tonight and it was really fun. I was a bit nervous but was just myself and I feel we connected well. We FaceTimed and then watched a stream of a theatre show and messaged a bit, then FaceTimed again. The conversation felt like it flowed easily and was a bit flirty here and there. At the end she said that she really enjoyed it and that she would talk to me again soon. I said that we’d have to do this again another time and she agreed and blew me a kiss through the screen which I guess is as good as it gets in lockdown! So I have that nice post-date buzz. The challenge is now for me to sit with the anxiety trying to break through – this is common for me. Something will go well and feel natural and then the anxious, critical thoughts start. The ‘what ifs’ about her not contacting me again or it not going as well as I thought. The nice thing is that I feel I am more able to just let these thoughts be here without reading too much into them. And given last time this happened, I had not had a ‘proper’ relationship, there were a lot more unknowns which are not as scary anymore because I have been here before and know it’s possible. And happily I did not think of or pine for my ex, except that the more time passes the more I realise that she really wasn’t what I was looking for in many ways but I am still very grateful I had the experience and wish her well.

So… there we go! Seems like there will be more to report in future hopefully!! I couldn’t wait to tell you guys – you’ve become my relationship cheerleading squad of sorts. Thank you so much for your support! Hope lockdown life continues to go ok. Chat soon. Xo

Doseofreality, again appreciate your intention but don’t feel your blanket approach recognises the nuances of people’s experiences and circumstances. For example, as someone who fits the category of potentially being ‘not worth saving’ should the health system be overwhelmed with cases, due to assumptions about my quality of life and the value that people like me bring the world, I am rightly most focused on simply surviving- literally. I can still practise gratitude for what I have, try to focus on positive thoughts etc but the reality is life is more complex than that for many people, especially at the moment. Sure, some people may be able to see this situation as the “reset” you describe but that’s a privilege in itself.

Hey all

Nice to see this thread so active and people supporting each other. Wish there weren’t new people joining going through the pain of heartbreak but you’re in good company! There is such a wealth of great advice in this thread that has helped me through my lowest points. I’ve been reading but too tired to write something; just the general vibe of the world at the moment I guess.

@shelbyville, @michelle, @genie – many thanks for your kind responses about how well I’m doing. I still often don’t feel it so it’s nice to get objective feedback!

@genie, thanks for checking in – I miss you ladies as well! I am generally in good spirits, just settling in to lockdown life I suppose. It’s strange in many ways but not bad. I’m generally keeping occupied and connected  with workmates and friends.  Been thinking about my ex a bit and saw some photos of hers pop up on Instagram tonight which never helps… I tend to get a bit stuck in obsessing over the good memories we had and also daydreaming of what could have been. All fantasy though. I read awhile ago that this is common with people who are codependent; some kind of protective mechanism. Like Shelby said with her ex I know she will not reach out or be thinking of me at all… so I find it uber frustrating when I get into these cycles. But I know from experience frustration doesn’t help, only letting it pass naturally does. I can say with confidence that I don’t wish we were together because I know she ultimately wouldn’t make me happy, but I guess I’m just projecting my loneliness onto past experiences. Only solution is to keep putting energy into building relationships with a range of other people, I guess. Like you say Genie I don’t want heartbreak to close me off – not that it’s a particularly ideal time to meet new people! As for my brother, like Shelby says families are tricky and it’s best just to focus on my sister for now. Had a nice time with her watching Netflix together (by distance) tonight and luckily her and my parents are both still well.

Very glad to hear you were able to talk through your anxieties with Jay. It makes me happy that you feel so loved in such an authentic way – you deserve it, as we all do! Can’t wait til you get to kiss him again! I remember that giddy feeling so well… I can almost feel of just thinking about it. There is not much better!

Don’t feel I have been particularly coherent in this post but going to leave if there for now and rest. Hope you and your families are all well; this is certainly a hard time, heartbreak or not, anxiety or not so take care of yourselves and just take things day by day. I read something today that reassured me that it’s extremely understandable we are all tired given the scale of change in the world and that we are doing great just getting through however we can. Hope you can find some comfort in that idea too. Thanks for your support as always!

I agree with Michelle, Genie. No need to be sorry for ranting… best here than directed at the people we are anxious about. And no worries, I understand the anonymity  factor.

Sounds like you are recognising the patterns with your ex very well. I believe that you have the fortitude to act accordingly! You have come so far and seem to have a great thing going with Jay. I agree with Michelle about meeting his parents only meaning as much as you want it to mean. I can fully understand why you would feel anxious about it though. I’m glad to read your friends were able to come over and I really hope your sister stays well. It’s so hard not being able to see family – my siblings are in another country and the borders are closed and my parents live I another city here, but both have potential vulnerabilities and should stay home; I’m not particularly close to my family but it’s still definitely worrying.

Hope you are on track to get home still Michelle! I can imagine traveling in this time is certainly interesting.

As for me… was feeling crap this time yesterday cos I reached out to my flirtatious acquaintance seeking a conversation and didn’t get the response I wanted (very surface level). So that I just felt stupid that I went there again. But, as always it was anxiety driven rather than an authentic action. I really need to just learn to sit with the anxiety in times like that and not let it drive who I interact with or how but… still learning.

Also had a few messages with my ex because the Covid 19 situation has escalated here and official govt advice is for people with immunodeficiencies to stay at home so I was worried about her of course especially as her job is one that she can’t work from home from. But they are still going to pay her it looks like – thankfully. Anyway, have tried to express concern without it turning into something more. I think I am keeping good boundaries… like Shelby a few posts ago it all seems very cordial and like we are acquaintances more than anything which hurts a bit. In reality I am thankful we are not together anymore. The logistics and mismatch in communication styles would be pure hell. We would not see each other for months probably, and I would be constantly worried about her and she would get annoyed at me for wanting to check in with her. We had a trial run of this from very early on because she got ill so much she wouldn’t be able to leave the house for days at a time and would have to cancel dates multiple times. It was very stressful and tbh not fulfilling at all. So… all lessons learned, huh! At least she is well practised in self isolating…

Will not really be leaving the house much myself in the foreseeable future; been directed to work from home and avoid public transport and I can’t drive. I still feel more privileged than many though; have had multiple offers of support from all kinds of people. I do need to find more constructive things to do with my time though – apart from talking to friends on the phone which has been lovely I’ve spent most of the time scrolling through social media which is very unhelpful. I will work out a routine for the weeks to come – tips welcome!