Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
NatalijaParticipant
Hi everyone. Just to make the update to this doubt of mine back then.
The situation now is like this: I found a great job here in Croatia (and didn’t have to move to Ireland). It was easier than I expected and I’m very happy with my job now. It’s a stable company, a lot less stresfull job than the last one and I have a good oportunity to get promoted.
I’ve stayed in this relationship. The intimacy problem went away after a while (it was quite a long time, took us 5 months), and I must admit we found a lot of common wishes and ideas we’d like to try, so it was well worth waiting for 😀
We see each other often, spend really nice time together, understand each other and have an unbelievable connection.
And this came as a huge surprise to me, they are now thinking about telling their kids the truth about their situation. They think the older one could figure something out…and it’s hard for them to come up with an excuse every time he comes to see me or she goes away for a week or two to spend time with her partner. Since he was so determinate to keep us a secret and leave the situation as is, I’ve accepted it. Didn’t like it but accepted. And I was even scared now when the things are changing. It seems even too soon. So he said they will consider it and not rush with it jet…but…it’s something they are now ready to do.
So against all odds…this turned better than any of you…or even myself expected.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Natalija.
January 1, 2020 at 9:42 am in reply to: Separated with 3 kids, living with ex who has a new girlfriend. Advice ❤️ #330621NatalijaParticipantDear Oonagh, when I read your post at first I almost thought you are my boyfriends ex… 🙂
I’ve writen about our situation here few months ago, and it’s kind of similar. He has two young kids and lives with his ex. She broke the relationship in quite a bad way, but they decided to stay and live together because it was convenient for them financially and because of the kids (he adores them and spends even more time with them than their mother…and he was able to go through her betrayal because of them, but it was really hard for him). I was afraid I will get hurt in the end, I thought that that kind of living arrangement is not good for any party, was unemployed at the moment and even thought about moving to another country.
Things took the unexpected turn, at the moment everything is working out. They were talking about everything and since it’s harder for her to have a long distance relationship and leave home for a few weeks every few months…and have the parents ask questions about it….and him seeing me and leaving often. So they are thinking about letting their parents and children know what the situation really is. That came as a shock to me at first. But it is probably the best thing to do.
The difference is that they are both clear about how they feel and don’t have residual feelings for each other or resentments. No one is hurt badly at the moment because they live together. And I see that in your case, you are. And that can’t be healthy for you. Is there a way for you to live somewhere else? How old are the kids?
Can you imagine yourself getting better looking at him every day?
There is a great quote saying; you cannot expect to heal…while going back to the same situation that broke you…
NatalijaParticipantdear Peggy you’ve got it wrong. I haven’t manifested anything. The situation is that I don’t have a job here at the moment (except some freelance project that aren’t enough to support me), and no real offer here in Croatia, so it’s quite possible I will be forced to find a job out of the country and move. I didn’t want to mention it right ahead so it doesn’t affect your answers. And it doesn’t have to be permanent or the end of the relationship…if he thinks it would be ok for someone to wait till his children are grown to have a complete relationship…him waiting for me while I work abroad for 6 months or a year shouldn’t be a problem…
But, who knows what will happen now…maybe I’ll find enough new freelance projects to stay here and work alone, maybe I’ll find a job here…and maybe I’ll have to leave to Ireland…
Regarding the intimacy problem…I see a huge leap now, seems he really needed time to relax. No, we didn’t resolve the problem but it seems it’s in the near future.
NatalijaParticipantJust to add to this conversation last night, he figured out this wasn’t a great thing to say to me…and apologized.
NatalijaParticipantValora, they are keeping their dating life a secret at the moment. And probably plan to keep that away from the children. That put aside, I still think kids will figure out that their relationship is not a loving one. But in the end, as anita is saying…there are a lot of married couples who don’t have a perfect relationship and aren’t a good example.
As for the job…the chance for me looking for one outside this country is bigger and bigger. Since that was my wish long time ago and never had a real chance…now I don’t have anything stopping me. And….yesterday he said the wrong thing (for the first time), Don’t know what was his intention, maybe just an innocent comment. But he said he never had quit one job without having another. To me it sounded like a critic of my situation…which I didn’t choose and couldn’t predict (i had a serious job offer at the moment, at least that looked like that).
NatalijaParticipantValora, yes, I would love to know if there are studies about children and effects of this choice. Because I’m really not sure if this is doing any good to anyone involved. But his premise is this one: he doesn’t know anyone who is a child of divorced parents that didn’t suffer because of it…or blamed themselves. So that’s the main reason behind his choice. And I understand that you would put your children and their benefit first…there’s no question about it…but, at what cost?
And…to make things more interesting….at the moment I am without a job. Lost the last one due to sick leave that was a bit longer. And my wonderful employee used it as a reason to fire me after 6 years. I wasn’t worried since I had another job offer but that one…turned out not to be a good one. So…the situation is not great now, and I’m considering moving to Ireland (we are from Croatia). That would probable be good thing for my career and an end of this relationship. So…that’s another possible direction now, that is a real option.
NatalijaParticipantHe says he doesn’t feel anything anymore toward her…he is indifferent now. Not hurt openly. So living like this isn’t something he sees as a problem. But I believe it could be. And I believe some consequences still linger in his life since we have a problem now.
NatalijaParticipantDear Anita,
thank you. I can tell you that a lot of the issues that were a problem back than don’t exist any more. Now I do know what I want, which is the reason I’m saying I couldn’t agree to this 13 year long waiting period. And a lot of changes has been made till now, some relationships ended in the beginning because I saw it won’t fit me. So I’m sure I’m better of now than then.
That doesn’t change the fact I’m afraid where this might be heading, since it’s such an unsure ground.
Valora, I get you. But the thing is, they spend most of the time not together, even when they are with their children. So there is less chance for them to feel closer. I’m the first person he is dating. She doesn’t seem jealous, but she isn’t happy about it either. Important thing is, she is not making it complicated at the moment…probably could do that.
I know there are other guys…but…the thing is…I want this one. And those other are hard to find. I’ve spent this year on a bunch of odd and boring dates with guys who…hated woman, hated this country etc etc. I really don’t like having to go through that.
I think I’m going to give him a bit more time. Maybe the problem with intimacy resolves…and we talk about things that worry me. So I can see what he thinks about that in the long term. And I’ll try to be decisive about leaving it if I start feeling uncomfortable about it.
NatalijaParticipantDear Peggy, I understand what you are trying to say. Believe me, I have the need to run as fast as I can…and as far away as I can from it…while I still can. Part of me knows I’m already too deep…but part of me is not willing to sacrifice my goals and wishes over somebody else…that is something I did in a way once.
But…he really is the only person in my life who looks at me like…I’m some kind of miracle…and acts with complete respect and care for me. That’s pretty big thing for me…and letting that go…just doesn’t feel right. If there is any hope for things to turn out better.
I’m very well aware that the current situation is everything but good for me.
Valora, of course…his situation has some impact on his ability to be intimate with me and that is a real problem. I hope he will figure out a way to fix that.
About their relationship…I know…this could turn out badly at some point. She has a long distance relationship so it’s not serious because they can see each other like once a year. Don’t know why she’s even trying to keep a relationship like that alive. I see she has a bit of a hard time now since she was the one ending their relationship…and loosing his support (which was huge in financial and every other way)…and now seeing he is moving on and happy in something close by…while she has such a complicated long distance relationship.One thing I’m sure is that he has absolutely no intention in ever getting close with her again (she truly betrayed him and his trust), so that’s something I’m not worried about… but this 13 years…is just not something I would be ready to wait for our relationship to be…public and that we could live together than. If this would be heading in some serious direction.
So…it seams I only have two options…give up on everything…which would make me really sad…or accept the fact it’s a half relationship that can only be like this for a long time. Since I’ve had one similar for a number of years…but still did’t regret it…that is an option. But… I feel I’m too old now to be…spending so much time in a relationship that…honestly has no real future together. Yes, sometimes it can surprise you. But I can’t count on that, can I?
NatalijaParticipantThank you all for your answers.
It seems that this looks worse than it is in some ways. He did get over the breakup at least on a conscious level. And he was talking about it at the beginning of our relationship to let me know about his situation. It’s not like he is talking about it all the time. So…basically it sounded all right…but…there is obviously some problem if he cannot get intimate now.
About the living situation, yes, they decided to stay and live together until kids would both be 18. That’s a long long time. And they probably didn’t think about how this will affect their dating life or possible relationships. It’s like they decided to sacrifice all that for the sake of the kids. Which sounds fine…but…like some of you said I’m sure kids will get to understand something is not right since they sleep in different rooms.
However, they are very mature about everything and decent with each other. They communicate normally and the breakup was handled quite well. So the kids are getting all the love and care from them. That’s probably a good thing.
I’m not sure how this can develop…if he would reconsider his decision if this relationship got serious. I’m not sure how long should I wait for him to get comfortable being intimate. We talked about him getting some counseling if needed. So that is an option if nothing changes with time.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Natalija.
NatalijaParticipantI already had a good experience with my friend.
I reacted when I felt like she is calling just to ask for favors instead of asking how I was. At the time I was in a really bad situation because a friend of mine (woman I considered almost a mother to me) died.
I told her (maybe not in a best way) how I feel…at first she said she didn’t deserve this…and then tried to understand how and why I feel that way. And it made us even closer 🙂NatalijaParticipantDear Anita, thank you.
I’ve been trying to avoid conflict at all cost, so some of my friendships or relationships ended in a burst of my disappointment and a bigger argument…and ending the contacts. It can be avoided if I start to resolve problems instead of avoiding them.
About the other part; I’ve been trying to avoid loans or anything that takes away a bit of safety. Safety meaning you can leave anything anytime. Since job market here is really awful I feel like I have to stay at this job. It’s in my field, the salary is all right…but I can’t advance from that. I know I will find a way to something better in the future…but I hate this feeling of insecurity that comes from this loss of financial freedom.
NatalijaParticipantWell, this is a great explanation of why my confidence is low…and my brother’s too.
I feel like I have some when things are right, there aren’t major problems at work, I have some other project to work on, finances are all right (which is almost impossible to obtain in this crazy little country).
But when problems appear or something from my private life influence me, I feel defeated. And this is a state I was in for a few months now…because I had to get a loan (big one) to do some serious dental work. Now I feel somehow forced to stay at the same job and same place because of the security…and this is something I was trying to avoid my whole life.
I think that the most important thing for me would be to find ways to change things I’m not comfortable with earlier than I did. I usually find the courage to make big changes at the moment when things become bad enough, almost unbearable.
I should be able to express disagreement and try to resolve the conflict or the situation I’m uncomfortable in earlier.
NatalijaParticipantWow, this si unbeliveable.
When I was junger (despite the chaotic family) I had more security and easier goals somehow. I was great at school, people had really big expectations I could meet back then easily. And I was quite independent. So the big and important choices in life were mine.
But the insecurities and feeling lost came at college where I’ve figured out that the program was so bad it wasn’t preparing us to get a job in this field at all. And I started feeling like I don’t know any more what’s expected of me…and have no idea what direction to take in life. I dind’t feel informed enough, or capable enough.It’s really interesting that you’ve made such a good analogy with driving. Because it was a major issue to me…I’ didn’t want to get a driving license at 18 when my parents wanted me to get it…I was affraid of driving. That was kind of weird because I loved to travel and be driven around. Years passed and I didn’t have the money or the time to go to driving school…last year I finally did and got the license. And it was probably one of the hardest struggles in my life. I’m still insecure behind a wheel because I don’t have a car and I didn’t feel the calmness or trust from my ex boyfriend driving his. So I gave up asking him. And driving for I while, but, when I get the chance I’ll continue.
I also came to the conclusion that this fear of driving came from fear of taking control in my life…because I never had an accident or something bad I could relate to driving.
NatalijaParticipantThank you Anita.
Well, this sentence never really trusting my feelings…i had them screaming sometimes, telling me I’m standing at a really insecure ground. But even consciously ignoring them.
I think what I fear the most is not having conection with people. Real and healthy ones, that in the end I didn’t have in my family, all of my relationships and some friendships. And what I know now is that setting a boundary of any kind, or saying no feels really uncomfortable. Like I’m expected to do what someone is asking of me because I love them. Like you need to prove it that way.
At the moment I cant afford therapy sessions, but a few years ago I went to a psychotherapist for a few months. We have scratched the surface and opened some of the hard parts (that revolved around my family)…she also told me that every feeling I have is valid. Which sounded so weird to me since I’ve always thought of myself as too sensitive. Or even dramatic sometimes.
And this helped a lot…and I tried to continue working on it myself. Reading a lot, meditating, tryng to understand myself better. Because I see it was easier to me to live a life just trying to fit in in other peoples picture of who I am, than figuring out what I want or need to begin with. -
AuthorPosts