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allyParticipantJoanna,
I feel that as well, I truly dont understand not wanting to be close to your children or close to your family. I think that anger is normal as long as you are aware of healthy ways to deal with it. You seem very self aware of your feelings which also shows great strength. Is there anything that you do for yourself that is an outlet for your feelings? I know you mentioned that you will be going to counseling which I think is great, sometimes it takes a few different counselors to find one that truly gets you so Im really happy to read youre not giving up on that. It took me a few people and now I found someone who has helped me immensely in the last few months.Also, I do a fast paced yoga class twice a week which also helps me release some of my built up stress and anger. (I have moments as well where it overwhelms me- so I deff understand). Is there something that you love to do? Have you ever thought of writing both your parents letters about how you feel? I know your Dad passed away- I am very sorry- but writing him a letter is for you- not him.
Im asking so many questions so I will stop and let you reply 🙂
allyParticipantJoanna,
Let me give you sympathy and empathy then because I truly do feel it. I lost my mother suddenly about 10 years ago and have an extremely strained relationship with my father so my heart goes out to you with our similar/ reverse situations. I absolutely understand the anger, it is so painful and it can consume you. Do you have any other type of support system around you? extended family, family friends, friends, coworkers, or someone else you can trust? By what you said above it seems like you have been a very forgiving person and a helpful person to your family still. You said youd never treat your children the way you were treated and you need to know that because of your upbringing as awful as it was- you came out wanting better- wanting to not continue the cycle. Some people fall trap to the cycle and you are strong and self aware. I hope you give yourself credit for this because it takes extreme strength.
allyParticipantHi Dee,
I am so sorry you feel alone and like you have no one to relate to. I understand that feeling and its especially alienating when you have a dysfunctional family. Have you ever considered support groups? with the addiction in your family there are lots of support groups for the people affected by it, I think Alanon?. Also there are support groups for suicide survivors with afsp.org. I hope that these can be helpful for you. Feeling understood by people who have been through similar situations as you is incredibly healing.
allyParticipantHi Airene, thanks for replying. 1.He is emotionally “cold” I guess with everyone but I feel its the worst with me because I try to talk about it. Other people in my family dont like to talk about emotions so it makes me kind of the black sheep. 2. I sometimes wonder if there is some narcissism there. He can be very friendly to people but if you try to question anything he gaslights and tries to use things against you until you stop. I feel like if I dont talk about feelings and just put up with the toxic behavior that Im kind of allowing it?
Hi Anita, thanks again for replying to me. I did realize after lots of introspection that it is a ‘power’ thing as you say. When you feel helpless and powerless as a child you try to find ways to gain control. I deff did that for years trying to keep everyone together. I have accepted I am not responsible for keeping everyone together and trying to make everyone happy. Now is the problem of being around people that are emotionally toxic. I dont try to change them or fix them anymore but Im wondering where I draw the line in the sand for treatment. For example I left immediately when the conversation started escalating and swearing was used. I stated that wasnt acceptable. Its painful still for me to leave – just as its painful for me to stay.
allyParticipantJoanna,
Your post touched me and I am so sorry that was the childhood you endured. You didnt deserve any of it. What has helped me through an unhealthy and toxic upbringing is trying to find compassion for the people who hurt me. Compassion is not saying anything they did was okay but its acknowledging that they are very unhealthy themselves and did the best they could with what they knew. You are so deserving of love and happiness. You are deserving of a good life. I read a quote that said “It is rarely our fault what happens to us, but it is our sole responsibility to overcome it.” I have a couple of questions for you.
1. Have you been to a counselor?
2. What is your relationship with your parents like presently?
allyParticipantJane,
I am so sorry you are going through this, honestly this sounds like an assault to me. If you dont remember how, why, or what happened- there was no way for you to consent. “I asked him to leave” – again it doesnt sound like you were consenting. I would look up articles on sexual assault and see if that fits the profile of what you can remember that night.
allyParticipantHi Rose,
I empathize with your fear and anxiety. I actually went on a date with someone who had the exact problem as you. From the advice of their therapist they did exposure therapy, basically just going on as many first dates as possible until they werent scary anymore. I also recommend this. Once you do something a few times you eliminate the fear behind it. I know this sounds like a big jump but going out for a coffee with someone and saying you only have an hour is a great start. Our best way to get over our fears is to face them! I wish you the best of luck 🙂
allyParticipantHi Jess,
If you are having suicidal thoughts please call the national suicide prevention lifeline – 1-800-273-8255. They also have a chat feature as well and there are many resources on AFSP.ORG.
That being said, it sounds like you are very hard on yourself. I know you want to make up for lost time but life is a series of steps forward and steps back. Thats all part of the process. I hope you can find compassion for yourself and remind yourself you are doing your best you can at this time. Self care is never a waste.
I hope things get better for you. And to add to Marks advice one of the best commencement speeches Ive ever heard was J.K Rowlings on “Failure” She really puts things into perspective. Hope this helps <3
allyParticipantAnita,
Sometimes I have feelings of acceptance over this situation and then all of a sudden my anxiety comes out of nowhere and I get worried and feel guilty. Do you feel like this ever? how do you deal with those feelings? Today I am feeling really bad about it
allyParticipantHi Anita,
I am the only one who has really gone to counseling and self reflected so now after doing the ‘hard work’ I feel like I could have an authentic connection. The problem is that no one else wants that or wants to face their problems. A dysfunctional family pretends problems dont exist. So I guess in this thread I wanted to see how others accepted their dysfunctional families. As you said you chose to move on but struggled with some guilt. I wonder why we do that to ourselves? Moving on makes me feel guilty, but also trying to make people change is impossible.
allyParticipantI have learned through personal experience “we accept the love we think we deserve” unfortunately if you do feel deep down you arent good enough – then we unknowingly attract people who validate that feeling. It starts a vicious cycle. The first step is for you to heal that part of yourself. It takes a lot of work and is sometimes hard but when you feel good- you will attract good. Hope this helps <3
allyParticipantAnita,
It is interesting you say you cut contact because I have recently done that as well. I felt like all my attempts got nowhere and I couldnt take it anymore. My father has always been preoccupied with his own life and I could never understand it. I also, like you, broke my heart over and over trying to understand – because I wanted closeness to my family (still want). They also all have significant others- and I do not, so that makes it incredibly alienating as well. Luckily I have great friends but most are married and have families of their own.
When I was younger I kept myself constantly distracted so I didnt have to acknowledge the dysfunction- but now through healing and working on growth and introspection I do feel better but also I feel incredibly alone. I guess it is comforting hearing you say that it helped you find peace and move on by doing that. I guess I feel guilty
allyParticipantHi Anita,
I have dealt with that trauma but in my mind what was ‘supposed’ to happen after a loss is the opposite of what happened. No one came together to support eachother- it just drew a wedge in between everyone. Even went their own ways and distance grew. It seems like when I express my emotions it upsets people because they would rather sweep everything under the rug.
I can relate to what you say because we all ‘get along’ if everyone does what they are supposed to do and no one makes a fuss. If anyone rocks the boat or expresses real human emotion that is inconvenient and does not work.
I have tried many times to bring us together, as the oldest I try to fix everything, which ends up blowing up in my face. The part now I am having difficulty with is ACCEPTING the reality of the situation. How did you accept this relationship with your mother? I cannot change it or make people care that dont.
Thanks for your response.
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