Oh JJC, how I wish I was there for you. I wish I could physically take you out of this prison you are in. I know how it feels, it’s an illness. Please keep trying and please don’t give up. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free. You can always talk to me if you need someone to talk to. Be strong. xx

JJC,

I understand that 35 years is an extremely long period of time to undergo such abuse and I know how difficult it is to get out – especially as your mental state is probably very disoriented as a result of the abuse you have endured. And even though I have never been in an emotionally abusive relationship as long as you have, I can imagine the extreme difficulty you are experiencing emotionally. But you must not give up.

At least start by creating an escape plan. Are you dependent on your partner in any way? Do you have dependent children with your partner? Is there anywhere and anyone you can go to? Put all your important and necessary belongings together in one place so that if you need to escape, you can easily take what you need and leave (including any pets and their documents). Is there anything that may threaten your safety (either before or after you leave)?

Creating an escape plan is the first step. Getting out is the second. Overcoming the emotional trauma is in my opinion the third and most painful step and the healing process can take a really long time. But it is all possible and once you’ve reached the other side of the healing process, you will have your life back again. You can be happy and do whatever you want with your life without someone constantly watching over you. And you will be able to set new boundaries from this education so that it never happens to you again. Please, at least take the first step by creating an escape plan.

One of the posters on this thread, MamaD, recommended a book by Lundy Bancroft called “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men”. I read the book and it has helped me so much and I would also recommend you read it.

Hello JJC,

Thank you for your response. I have stopped missing him but I still feel a lot of anger and anxiety. I have educated myself so much since writing this post. From what I have discovered, I believe that he has narcissistic personality disorder. Everything fits him and his abuse to a T.

Are you still in your abusive relationship, JJC? You use the present tense which is why I ask. Please don’t stay in it. There is always a way out no matter the situation. If you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me xx

Aballa

Hi Mamad,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and responding.

And thank you for the book recommendation, I will buy it and read it. Maybe it will help me come to terms with everything. It’s a struggle I’m having now; I’m trying to understand his mind but I just can’t. And I can’t understand why he can’t see his error. Sometimes it is just so blatantly obvious.

I’m also going through a lot of self-doubt. He has constantly criticised my character. He has said things to me no one has ever told me before. He has criticised aspects of me that others have complemented. I know I’m not perfect, but the things he has said to me has been engrained into my head that I am a bad human being and that I am the problem. I have to keep reminding myself to step outside of my shoes and look at the situation from an external point of view to know that the problem was not me. But it’s really brought down my self-esteem, and then he tells me I’ve got confidence issues.

Good on you, Mamad, for working with women who have been trying to escape abusive relationships for years. I really appreciate your work.

All the best to you 🙂

Aballa

Dear KBearBuddah,

Thank you so much for your kind words and I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had a similar experience. I really hope you are fine now.

I had a look at Narcissistic Personality Disorder… there were times I suspected he was somewhat narcissistic but it was hard to tell, I don’t know why. I always thought narcissists were easy to see. With him, he was very different in front of other people than with me. He was charming in front of others; he always showed me affection, he was always helpful, and he always went out of his way to do things for others. But in private, it was very different and he definitely did shows a lot of traits of NPD. I dare say, he was a real pig! I could never make sense of it.

There are times when I miss him, and now there are times where I feel really angry, that he put me through all this and got away with it. I really want to tell him what he has put me through and make him understand what he has done, but I know that’s pointless. I’ve tried before but he does not understand. He won’t even listen.

Everyone is right when they say I need to let go of him and my feelings. I have to accept that there is no logic with this man and that I will never have a logical explanation.

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for reading and responding.

You’re right, I need to find the peace in me.

To answer you question, I believe I tolerated him because:

1) I still had hope. I thought that maybe moving to Spain would eradicate his problems and he would be a better person.

2) We were living and working at the same place. The company I worked for put us up in accommodation and we happened to be put in the same house. And this house was right next to our work place. I was afraid of the consequences.

3) I also had feelings for him.

You are spot on about his troubled childhood and he often refers back to his childhood using it as an excuse for the way he is. Sometimes it feels like he’s feeling sorry for himself.

Hi LiquidSnake,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read everything and responding. I really appreciate it 🙂

I will definitely take your advice for point one if he contacts me again. Like you said, there are two benefits.

As for point two, I also agree with you. I’ve put my foot down so many times yet so many times I have been so weak and let him talk me out of it. I allowed him to treat me like this and that is why I’m also so mad at myself. I’ve always told myself from a young age that I am a strong woman and that I will never tolerate anything like this. I wanted to leave him after the first month but because we were living and working in the same place, I was afraid of the consequences. Every time I have told him to not talk to me in a certain way or to calm down, he turns it around and puts it all on me.

Which leads me onto the third point. Up until the last four or five months, I have managed (or at least tried) to be firm with him by not losing myself and staying calm. From about four or five months ago, I don’t think my response has been the best. Each time he blew up at me, I would raise my voice back at him. I was reaching my limit. It wasn’t a good response because he always used it against me. In hindsight, I should’ve just walked away. To be honest, I feel like I was becoming him. I felt like I wanted him to understand how he was treating me. For example, he did not like me talking to other men or my male friends. He has two females friends which he often goes to their place until late at night to drink and chit chat. I know they are just friends and I have nothing to be worried about. However, because he was always suspicious about men I came into contact with, I decided to do the same with him. It didn’t work. Instead he just used it against me.

As for showing him love, I was always the one initiating kissing and cuddles (and even sex). Often I would kiss him or cuddle him and it would go unreturned. He said it was because he couldn’t kiss or cuddle someone he argued with. But I thought I was at least trying to make things better. To be honest, I got the impression that he was just more interested in being on his computer. I also got the impression early on in the relationship that he just wanted a relationship asap without having to work for it. Once he got me that was it. He told me once that he ex-girlfriends (who all left him) complained he was ‘absent’ from the relationship.

Thank you very much for your supportive insight, LiquidSnake!! I’m already feeling better from posting on here. I just have to stay strong. I only just discovered this website and I think it’s great that people can post on here and help each other.

I’m so sorry it’s so long! I guess I also felt I had so much to get off my chest. The first part is just the problem I’m facing now. The rest is what I have been through in the relationship, and I don’t expect everyone to read through it all. But thank you for taking the time to reply, Inky 🙂

You’re right I haven’t known him for that long. It felt like the whole relationship was moving so quickly. After two weeks, he questioned my love for him and got really upset (over nothing) – but for me, two weeks I’m still getting to know him. I didn’t see anything wrong with the relationship until that moment he was questioning my love for him for no reason.

I didn’t want to move to Spain also because 1) it was like stepping on eggshells with him and 2) I had known him for less than a year! But anytime I mentioned it, he would get angry and accuse me of not committing to this relationship. I really wish I had stuck to my guts.