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June 14, 2015 at 11:36 am #78197Abhi09Participant
And as far as this message is concerned ‘Yes, I made a mistake Abhishek by avoiding you. I should have told you that I was ignoring you to give you some time to move on. Sorry, But I am your friend’.
Even when I read it now, it looks wrong. What I wanted is for her to be honest and tell me this ‘ I don’t like you the way you do. If you don’t want to talk for some time, I understand.’ or something of that sort. She didn’t say anything, just disappeared. And at leas t when I asked, she could have told me honestly. Why tell the truth after 4-5 months? This is what I didn’t understand.
And, I am talking about the same point again and again but it is just to clarify. I apologize for making it difficult for you guys to understand. And I am not oblivious to my faults. I know I could have behaved in a more mature way.
June 14, 2015 at 11:23 am #78196Abhi09ParticipantI am Sorry for writing long posts.
I don’t want her to admit guilt or something. May be I couldn’t express it properly. I will be concise now.The thing is I believe you guys think that I sent her messages as long as I am writing right now. Nope, it was about the size of a short paragraph having 5-6 lines. It’s just that I had never written messages like these on Facebook to anyone. That is why I am saying ‘long messages’ . Also I sent about 4-5 messages like these in a span of 4-5 months. The reason for sending 4-5 messages was that initially I asked her the reason for suddenly ignoring me which I could sense(and like I said it was true that she wanted to not talk for a while to give me some time to move on). She could have then told me the reason. I would have appreciated her honesty. But instead of that she replied ‘I don’t want to think about it’. Then I stopped messaging but once in a while she would message me saying hello and all. If she wanted to give me time to move on, I couldn’t understand why she stopped talking for about a month, then when I asked her the reason she just avoided it and then started messaging as if nothing happened.
I wasn’t waiting for her to love me. No, it’s just that I wasn’t sure of continuing the friendship, as I liked her so it was difficult to stay in touch and also sensed some unwillingness to speak the truth on her part. But did not know if breaking all contacts without listening to her reasons was good or not.
That is what I hold on for so long.
I never thought that she was manipulating me just felt that her behavior is awkward.
June 13, 2015 at 11:17 pm #78177Abhi09ParticipantThank you Adam and Matt for your help. As far as the thing about ‘poking and poking’ is that I Liked her a lot and when she said no to me, it was difficult to stay friends. I just felt that if she is ignoring me and is unwilling to tell me the truth, is it worth to stay in touch? May be I should just break all contacts as if she isn’t being honest to me, then why should I even remain friends? So I wanted to confirm if she really had a genuine reason or if she was afraid of something etc. because if that was the case I could have forgiven the fact that she chose to avoid telling the truth to me, however difficult it was. I mean, I just wanted reassurance from her that “Yes, I made a mistake Abhishek by avoiding you. I should have told you that I was ignoring you to give you some time to move on. Sorry, But I am your friend”. Something like that.May be it was unreasonable for me to desire explanation from her. It’s just that I was so fragile after being rejected that I wanted reassurance from her that she cared.
Also, I was afraid of moving on. I felt a certain void as I had already spent a lot of time and emotional energy on her. I was chasing misery and it was my ego which hoped that may be she could like me later or even if that does not happen, I will have a great friend for life.
I was chasing misery. I realise now and it’s my fault. I am not asking her anything now, no explanations, nothing.
I am moving on now.
June 13, 2015 at 11:20 am #78167Abhi09ParticipantDear Anita Ma’am.
Each and every message of yours just gives me a new angle to look at the situation from,
Thank You.
You raised a couple of good points. I would like to clarify my stand on those.
The reason I write ‘ I feel that she is behaving like this might be because…’ is because whenever I have asked her reasons for her behavior and trust me I have many times, she has responded with things like ‘ I am not comfortable talking about feelings. Don’t complicate stuff’ or ‘ I requested you not to bring that topic up’ or changes the topic to small talk, etc. And this is why I used to send her messages as I felt uncomfortable and this irritated her. In her last message she told me that she used to ignore my messages because ‘ there is no point. We will get back to where we started’ . So if I am not getting any reply, what do I do?
When I was very sad during Feb and March, I read hon Tiny buddha and other such blogs,etc. that the reason for others’ behavior could be something compeltely different from what it seems- like her behavior appeared weird and rude to me but there might be valid reasons which I don’t know.
So I read about single child issues, about people feeling difficulty in opening up and found out possible reasons as, parental neglect or hurt, previous relationships etc. She also told me that she doesn’t feel like justifying her actions and doesn’t get attached which in her words is due to her upbringing, so I thought that okay, these are her reasons. THAT is why I write things like ‘ I feel’ etc. I had no choice as I didn’t want to believe that she is a bad friend for me.
Also, she is one of the popular girls and talks to a LOT of people- seniors, juniors, batchmates, etc. and is friends with most of them, and a common opinion regarding her is that she is one of the most fun-loving person to be around.She goes with the wind and lives life to the fullest.Everyone seems to adore her.
She is also an active part of an NGO which I volunteered for in my 2nd year in college and told me that she would love to open an NGO herself.These things made me believe that how can someone who is fun loving in common opinion and cares about others(the NGO point) would be untrustworthy or dishonest. I might be childish but I believed that such a person would have a child-like wondeful soul. And so I might be the one who is too rigid and too serious and since Friendships involve forgiveness, I should forgive her and stay in touch.
Now, for your point about me ignoring myself and FOCUSING on her, you are right- that was the case for more than an year. I regret it now. I wanted to become a better coder and writer and have reached nowhere because I just couldn’t focus. Now, I want to focus on myself only and that is why I want to remove all distractions and this is probably the biggest of them.
I am 99.99% sure that I should ignore her now. The advice I receievd here has strengthened my resolve to focus on myself first but like I said it is only now that I am beginning to believe that she is not right for me and that fun-loving thing and NGO etc. might not carry much weight as I haven’t really asked in detail to people about her. She might not really be that good of a person. One friend told me that her attitue is neutral.
So, I am beginning to focus on myself.
What do you think? Is it possible that people who seem like fun to be around and everyone’s favourites and have so many friends could also have such deal breaking qualities like dishonesty or inability to just introspect?
June 12, 2015 at 10:54 pm #78152Abhi09ParticipantThank you Guys. Your words are acting as a medicine for my disease of depression. I am really somewhat feeling better now. Your advice has strengthened my resolve to stop all contact with her. I think I would ignore her from now on and if at all she asks me the reason, I would explain that it is not healthy for me to be friends with her.
The thing that’s bugging me is that why can’t people just introspect instead of avoiding things. Why run away? The only reason I still felt like continuing the friendship is because I felt that may be because of her upbringing, she is hurt and even after having so many friends, if she is unable to open up then how much pain would she be carrying so I should not hurt her even more by terminating the friendship. Sometimes I can feel her pain of feeling detached from everyone else and not being able to communicate her feelings because of the fear of being judged, etc. She can small talk with anyone but when it comes to opening up her heart, she gets uncomfortable. So, I thought that I should be patient and wait for her to at least think about her behavior and then talk properly about her behavior. But all she had was ‘ I wasn’t talking to you to give you time to sort out things and move on’. I know that this was the reason, but her lack of willingness to tell the truth at the appropriate time weakened my belief that I could have a satisfying friendship with her.
Now I want to just focus on myself and not think about her as I feel I would be doing great injustice to myself(which I already have, to some extent) by not setting up appropriate boundaries.
I am starting to believe that past pain is no longer a reason for her to avoid introspection and caring about others. I told this to her as well that this excuse of her : ” I am like this only. Maybe due to my upbringing.I like small talk only.I don’t feel the need to justify my thoughts and actions.” is not a reason for her to do whatever she feels like. I don’t know if she would act on it or not. When she called me, she did ask me about whether she could do anything for me repeatedly so I thought that yes even she cares for me but may be that was to get rid off her guilt as she told me that my talk about feeling sad etc. made her guilty. So I was confused what to make of her. Does she care or does she not?
But I am now starting to heal a bit and hoping that one day I might get the answer for her behavior. It does not sound good but sometimes I just feel like hurting her for what she did to me, not physically but through harsh words. I know I wouldn’t do that as it would cause more pain to me later on and also the guilt, but just thinking about it lessens the pain somewhat.
Is this normal?
- This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Abhi09.
June 12, 2015 at 11:28 am #78134Abhi09ParticipantHello Anita ma’am.
Thanx for your reply.
The thing is, like I said I did like her before becoming her friend. And that attraction was not limited to her looks. I fell for some of her qualities- she is cheerful, bubbly and talks to a lot of people.(This is what I heard and saw). At that time, I was feeling sad and had low confidence for being an introvert and so her being a cheerful person who talks to a lot of people etc. attracted me to her. Plus I also found her very pretty. I am hundred percent sure as to the fact that she was honest with me as long as I didn’t tell her that I liked her and was really into her. She didn’t manipulate me then. But now it feels as if she has emotional issues as she runs away from anything serious. One friend warned me that I should stay away from her as her attitude is neutral. I just took a long time to understand that this whole thing isn’t good for me and it was my bruised ego which wanted compassion basically and reassurance from her that yes she is a good friend. You can understand that if you like someone and that person doesn’t like you, then at least you want some compassion from her or at least a certain tenderness to reassure you. I mean if I had to reject a female friend of mine and she messages me saying that things would change between us, I would at least call and try to lessen her hurt and then whatever she decides I would go with that. I never got that.
But even if I ignore it, never once has she felt apologetic for her ignoring to me and lying to me about it. The only reason she called me was because she felt guilty( She asked me to give her a time when she could call me or else if she called me at any time, I would put the blame on her for disturbing my studies like I put the blame for my depression on her).These words just left me crying and for days I was just like a madman, thinking what I could have done better, what do I do now. My studies suffered because of it.And whatever you said is correct but what should I do now? She is pissed off right now, but she would definitely send a message after college opens. What should I do then? Ignore her messages for sometime(to give her a taste of her own medicine) and later tell her properly or should I tell her directly?
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