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Feeling to pain and hurt for the both of us..

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  • March 21, 2016 at 8:00 am #99688
    Marie
    Participant

    I recently told my husband about an affair that I had a couple of years ago. I told him because it was something that I felt in my heart he needed to know. There was always this distance between him and I because of this secret. I tried to hide it from him for awhile and focus on myself to get over it and move on with our lives. We have been together for almost 10 years and have 3 beautiful children. I tried to do it for the sake of them and my marriage. But the grief, disappointment and guilt took over and I told him. I did attempt suicide and I have had all sorts of negative thoughts because he did not know.

    Now that I have told him I am feeling the hurt for us both. I can only imagine how I have made him feel, but I’m pretty sure I have an idea as I have had years to think about what I have done and how bad it was and I shouldn’t have done it and how I wish I could take it back. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was almost. I feel like I have shattered his world, and I know I have and that pain in itself is soooooo unbearable. I will be there for him and I will try to comfort him as much as he allows me to. I love him and I want to work things out as long as he wants to do the same. I am just trying to be strong enough for the both of us which right now feels so impossible. I made a mistake, I know I have to pay the consequences of my actions and I am doing that now. Is there any advice that anyone can give to help us both through this difficult time? I literally feel like all the life has been taken out of me. All the air that I breathe is not enough. Please advise..

    March 21, 2016 at 9:37 am #99694
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kaymarie:

    My advice: don’t forget your children at this time. Continue to create for them the safe, calm environment that a home should be for children. Give them the attention and love that they need during this difficult time. It may be a good idea for both you and your husband, together, to spend more quality time with your three children at this time. This will be good for them and strengthen the family bond for you and your husband: mom-dad-kids.

    Be available to talk with your husband as much as he needs to and as much as you need to: talk and talk, honestly, openly, each taking responsibility for your own individual feelings as you continue to take full responsibility for the extramarital affair. At times, he will need alone time, no talking, to let things settle in his brain. Give him that time. At times, you will need time alone, give yourself this time, letting him know the purpose of such time.

    Go out with your husband for outdoor relaxing activities, be it walking in the park on a sunny day, nature. Long walks and such.

    And do post here again and again with your feelings, thoughts, and how this healing period (I hope) unfolds.

    anita

    March 21, 2016 at 9:40 am #99695
    HippieChick
    Participant

    My only advice is to give him time and let him lead how this goes. Once you told him it is up to him how he handles this. He may choose to leave. If he stays it is on HIS timeline that you guys will deal with it. You must understand that even though you have had years to know about and deal with this, he’s still in shock. He’s going to be angry, sad, shocked and probably have a ton of questions as to WHY you did this and how you’re going to be able to guarantee it won’t happen again. (All very valid concerns that I hope you’ve worked out in your own head).

    THIS is the reason most people DO NOT recommend confessing affairs that have ended if you do not plan to commit adultery again. It is for your own sake that you confess, not his.

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