Dear medalami2:

I read your post and noticed that in your despair, you still have a sense of humor.

You wrote repeatedly that you shouldn’t be with her but you are because you are afraid to be alone, that no one will make you as happy as she sometimes does. You are obviously very attached to her and like her except for her hooking up with other men, for her having male friends (fewer now, you wrote), going clubbing and dressing in very revealing clothes.

You do refer to her as a possible “future wife” so obviously you are not ready to leave the relationship with her. But you are very distressed about the relationship as is.

Regarding advice: I advise you to talk to her so to get information from her about her and how she sees the relationship with you. Then you evaluate the information she gives you. Can you share a conversation you had with her on matters important to you, like her hooking up with other men, or clubbing. Can you relay how a conversation with her went: what did you say to her, what did she say to you, back and forth, so that I get an understanding about how the two of you communicate with each other?

anita

Dear Med:

I have no doubt that your communication with her can be improved: you stated that you tend to block your emotions when talking to her so that you don’t “do any reaction that could be interpreted else way.” I don’t know what you mean by it, except that your communication with her is not effective this way.

On the other hand, regardless of the verbal communication between the two of you, your trust in her, understandably, has been broken by her doing, her choosing. She seems to be impulsive, making her choices (hooking up that one time, going to the club after promising not to) quickly, without much thought, as a quick reaction to pressure from others or the pressure from any distress she is feeling at this or that moment.

You can’t reasonably trust a very impulsive person, as she appears to be. It will not be sensible to trust her because you cannot eliminate future pressures on her: pressures of others and pressures within her. Someone will pressure her again to go clubbing … And she will again feel distress, loneliness, whatever it is and feel pressured, from within herself, to relieve the pressure by bringing about a hook up or something like that.

Therefore, it is probably… for your own best interest to end the relationship with her. Let me know if there is a reason why you think you cannot form a relationship next with a non- impulsive woman…?

anita

Dear med:

It is not always a good policy to never give up. often it is the right choice to give up. Depending on what or whom you are giving up. If she is a very impulsive woman, feeling regret about her impulsive acts will not stop her. Such is the nature of being impulsive. At the moment of impulsivity, past regrets are forgotten. Isn’t it so for you when you are impulsive?

There are ways to become less impulsive, to tolerate internal distress without rushing to alleviate it, which is what impulsivity is about: oh, I can’t stand this discomfort, so I am going to do the easiest and fastest thing I can do to relieve my distress!

There are ways to endure discomfort, impulses, urges and instead of automatically reacting to … breathe deeply, soothe oneself somehow (long walk, aerobic exercise, yoga and such)… good psychotherapy can teach all kinds of techniques. It takes work and learning of skills. There are all kinds of 12 step support groups to help people with impulsive behaviors, programs that are free.

Since you are going to give her another chance, keep your communication with her ongoing. Ask her question about how she feels, not questions to interrogate her, but to show interest in her feelings and thought and to get information about her state of mind, her motivations, struggles and such. Ask and listen during this last Chance time. Do your best to show her that you understand her struggles, her distress (as she expresses it to you), that you are there for her. Give it your best shot so to maximize the chances of success of this last chance.

And please post again.

anita