Hello Anita. Thanks a lot for the reply.

Yes, we were on contact online and on WhatsApp (chatting App on cell phone). She says she is shy of speaking on phone and in person, even to her family and close friends, and is comfortable chatting via text messaging. Recently however we did talk on phone; she called after I was depressed due to a fight. I called her back later. Though I could tell she was quite happy with our talk, when I mentioned that I was glad that she felt comfortable on phone unlike usual, she replied, “It’s nothing like that, I had to talk since the call was costing you money.” This was after she suspected my feelings.

Yes, that friend who betrayed me knows her from the fan club too. In fact she let down my trust twice. I expressed my disappointment to that friend and am not in contact with her ever since.

I did not really have a temper as such during childhood, but around 2008 or so when an apparently drunk neighbour came to our house and spoke really rudely to me, my parents told me to keep quiet since he’s a dangerous person. In my temper I could not see the rationale of their words and later accused them really rudely about forcing me to be quiet. I’ve been facing disputes with them regarding my career from a few years and regarding that I did get quite angry and rude with them, which I regretted later.

I’m 26 and she’s 20. No, she’s in a state much further from my place. But honestly, distance is not the problem. I had asked her if we could meet when I was visiting the place earlier, but she flat out refused and even asked me not to mail her any gifts, because her family is extremely conservative (you know about the Indian culture and all) and if they ever find out she’s gotten so close to someone from the Internet, the consequences will be dreadful. And apart from that, she herself isn’t willing to accept my feelings.

Dear Anita, thank you so much for your kind words. I’m grateful and yes, your understanding is very much spot on for as much as I posted here. 🙂

Regarding my temper, the neighbour incident doesn’t fully cover my issue. I’ll give another example… if anyone messes around in my room or moves my things around without telling me, I tend to get extremely irked. My grandmother is extremely overprotective, that again is a number one issue for getting my temper up. Recently another close friend got somewhat jealous of my bond with the girl I love. And when she expressed it to me, I don’t know how but my temper flared up and I told her, “So what do you want? Do you consider her an obstacle, do you want that *censored* to die so I will be with you only?” I truly have started hating myself for such behaviour. It may happen once, twice… but now it’s truly turned me into a horrible person, and I’ve lost all self-respect and am on verge of losing someone dearer to me than my own life.

You’re right about what we meant/mean to each other. Honestly, I’ve felt that in certain cases, online/text messaging helps some people (especially introverts) communicate in ways that talks on phone and in person don’t. I’ve even experienced it with my cousin. When he’s here, we hardly talk but on FB we could chat for hours non-stop. Similar situation with her. I know how much she loves/loved me because not only she put up with all this atrocity from me without a single word until now, but she told my other friends that she loves me and never wants to lose me (as a brother). She went out of the way to create lavish gifts on my birthday and a festival celebrating the brother-sister bond of love.

I don’t know what chance I have for a relationship. My only wish at the present is to genuinely repent for my deeds, to be with her again at least as a friend. I truly don’t feel I deserve the latter until I can change myself for the better.

It may be hard to believe, but to this day my grandmother never let me drive a vehicle out of fear of accidents. She never let me go to friends’ homes saying I could be kidnapped on the way. I’m not allowed to go even to the shops right in front of my house, or even to go to the terrace to talk on phone as I apparently might fall down the stairs. If I’m late in coming home from classes, she always makes a huge fuss about not being on time for lunch/dinner, says that it’s better if I quit college as nutrition is more important (I’m truly not exaggerating). It just makes me feel dumb and like a toddler, when she does this. I can understand overprotectiveness but even then this is extreme.

That’s partly true. Regarding my grandmother, my parents are my caretakers but since she gets very offended if she does not get her way, they relent and do what she asks. In fact my parents do it themselves as well. Like even now, when I’m depressed and after being asked finally confessed that its trouble with a friend that is the reason, they said – “Don’t worry, we’ll talk to your friend and get them back to you.” If I got bullied in school, they used to go and tell the bully to leave me alone. Many times my teachers asked them to let me learn to stand up for myself, but they didn’t.

But I don’t feel that’s the root cause for my temper. I’ve fought a lot of times due to people messing around with my things, or touching them with dirty hands… that irks me a lot. During arguments I have a dreadful habit of making straw-man accusations and though my rational side tells me that it’s ridiculous, the angry part of my brain forces me to go ahead anyway. Like the argument with my other friend I mentioned – I could’ve just said something like, “I know you love me too, so do I. You both have unique places in my life.” But I found myself saying, “You want her to die so you’ll have my sole attention?” I’m feeling my situation is just karma for failing to understand my other friend’s emotions. 🙁

Yup, that’s kind of true regarding my family’s general approach to things. I don’t like going out much anyway but yes, being isolated turned me into even more of a recluse and I sometimes feel I’m not even half as mature as a 26 year old would be expected. I don’t even talk to girls or like to be around them in real life. I doubt anyone close to me here would believe I’m in love with one. 😛

There indeed is a strong message in the dying part, yes. I am very protective of those I love. Like, protective to insane levels. I see insults against them everywhere, even when not intended. Another incident: in that TV show forum, we had once tried holding a birthday celebration of my favourite actor together with a veteran actor in the show (they share birthdays). When the latter’s fans began getting rude saying stuff like, “How dare you do this, is your XYZ as important as our respected veteran?” I posted there, “According to you people, is she a dirty *censored* and not even fit to be called a human being?” Same with the incident regarding my other friend. My brain interpreted her jealousy towards the girl I love (let’s just call her Jerry) as something insanely exaggerated and it got that response from me.

In the past, many of my arguments with Jerry used to go like this:

Jerry – Look, they were just defensive about their favourite actor since he’s a veteran and understandably deserves most attention. They spoke well of her in the past too. Your reaction was out of line.
Me – If they respected her, they wouldn’t have said things like (insert quotes of those people). But yeah, after all she’s just a useless piece of *censored*, what does it matter right?
Jerry – Don’t you use such words for her! Even they didn’t do it! And you’re not the only one who cares for her, even I do! I don’t like you behaving like this.
Me – Of course, you don’t like anything about me. I’m just a *censored* and I hope I don’t wake up alive tomorrow, I merely trouble you all. Goodbye!

Then I would storm off and in the morning there would be a hundred apology messages from her saying, “Bro I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that! I love you.” I would feel really bad and apologize to her too. But incidents like this happened not just once, or twice… literally hundreds of times. Anyone else in her place would’ve left me long ago. I took her love for granted, clearly. Though I always felt genuinely bad for my behaviour and truly love and care for her, I don’t feel anyone who ever looks at my behaviour can feel it’s true.

Thank you so much, Anita. I cannot express how much it means to me. Of everyone I spoke to regarding this issue until now, it’s you who has been most understanding and genuinely willing to help to the fullest. I hope everything gets well for you soon. Best wishes and stay blessed. 🙂