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What drives continuous emotional work?

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • March 1, 2016 at 9:24 am #97725
    Lsler
    Participant

    I had a conversation with one of my friends the other day about a tough situation I’m going through and we started to discuss something, which made me curious: How does one continue to work on their mind/emotions when things are good? More specifically, how do you stay consistent?

    I find myself having to/realizing I need to work on myself emotionally when something goes wrong or gets tough to handle. I think this is normal, but upon further reflection, it boggles me that it’s not just inherent in us…or maybe in me.

    As an example, I’m in very good physical shape and always have been. In fact, exercise is a necessary component for my mental well-being. There are always exceptions, but generally if I don’t get moving, I feel crazy, tense, stressed, anxious, sad, isolated, etc. But I also know that I have to train hard and consistently to get a 6-pack (for instance). And once I have one, I need to continue working on it in order to keep it. If I stop or tell myself “OK, cool, I got my 6-pack, now let’s focus on something else,” then my 6-pack is going to go away pretty quickly. Why does not my mind or emotional well-being work in this same way? Once I feel I’m in a good place, or happy, grounded, whatever, I stop working on it, figuring that I’ve fixed what’s broken.

    So, I’d like to know: In what ways do you continually and consciously work on your emotional well-being? Suggestions, tips, personal experiences, everything is helpful.

    Thanks!! G

    March 1, 2016 at 10:14 am #97738
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I think with emotional work as apposed to physical work it’s difficult to know WHERE to focus without a stressor. For example, you can know you want more defined abs but it’s much more difficult to know you need to work on a more positive outlook unless you have an experience that brings that to light (if that makes sense…I’m not great at explaining). I try to read all the articles posted on great websites like this one and note things I feel I need to work on, even when I’m feeling fantastic. It’s the only way I know to continue to improve and grow.

    I hope that’s what you’re looking for and meant!

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by HippieChick.
    March 1, 2016 at 10:52 am #97749
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lsler:

    My answer: continuous mental work and Mindfulness go hand in hand. Can’t do one mental work without mindfulness. I don’t think it is possible to go through one day of perfect well being. We often don’t notice something is wrong unless there is something BIG that is wrong. But there are many little wrong things throughout the day. Noticing these is being mindful: paying attention. Being mindful, paying attention to your cognition, thoughts and emotions is a skill that you build. When you notice something uncomfortable, that is an opportunity for some work at that moment you notice it.

    For example, someone said something that bothers you just a bit (could be something I am writing here as you read it!)

    Notice: what is it? What was the thought you just had. What’s bothering you? Maybe you need to assert yourself, maybe ask for clarification, asking (me, for example): what did you mean by what you said/ wrote?

    anita

    March 1, 2016 at 11:45 am #97753
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Oh, that’s a great answer Anita. I’m horrible at having that brief moment of “oh, that bothered me” and ignoring it. Then later, during a quiet moment I rehash it in my head and give it meaning it probably never had. If I’d just say “what did you mean by that?” Id get instant clarification. I’d probably benefit greatly by NOT ignoring those brief little flashes of “that’s not quite right”.

    March 1, 2016 at 11:54 am #97756
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Yes, HippieChick, and asking for clarification during the meeting today may be a good idea. Curious as to how it’s going to go. Take some deep breaths before you meet him and a hot calming tea perhaps for both of you!
    anita

    March 1, 2016 at 2:00 pm #97765
    Lsler
    Participant

    Thanks to you both. As far as reading advice articles and list of things to do/not do/try, etc. I guess I do only seek them out when something is up. IE 8 Things to Give Up, in my head, only applies when I’m feeling over-whelmed. Probably good practice to read insightful articles and books, so matter the frame of mind.

    Anita- While I do feel it applies, I’m wondering where we draw the line… That is, I am constantly thinking and over-analyzing, so it’s difficult to know when to consider something as being helpful/useful vs. it simply being what it is (a meaningless, wandering thought).

    I suppose the place to start would be to identify those things we know about ourselves (i.e. self-conscious) and ponder or recognize the times we act or think in self-conscious ways… like a one step at a time approach, regardless of current mind-state (whether I feel good about myself or not). Then move onto the next emotional “flaw” that needs attention. What do you think?

    March 1, 2016 at 2:08 pm #97770
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lsler:

    I think I see your point, you constantly thinking and over analyzing.. like I used to be, very much so. I used to be like a huge floating head thinking so much, as if hardly connected to a body and hardly connected, and almost disconnected from what was outside of my… floating head. This was not Mindfulness.

    What I found out and need to return to again and again is that I am only am a FEELING person, not just a thinking person. I am not a machine, a logic machine. My emotions, those are so important in giving me information about me and others, about what is going on. There is no way to figure out what is going on and what to do without getting the info from my emotions. Mindfulness is accessing the emotions and paying attention to the outside of me, outside of my thinking.

    You asked what do I think. Well, I think that I have been thinking too much. I am not getting an understanding at this moment of your last paragraph. Maybe you can rephrase it?

    I sure hope that what I wrote so far here is relevant to you, is it? Let’s keep talking, if you’d like.

    anita

    March 1, 2016 at 3:38 pm #97784
    squidgirl
    Participant

    Hello! I don’t know how you feel about journaling, but there is a really helpful exercise I use that I would be happy to share with you! The gist is that you take 10 points of life and rate them on a scale from 1-10 and then journal some ideas about why you feel that way/what needs to change.

    For example, I am in a wonderful and loving relationship with my husband, but when I did the exercise for relationship I realized a lot of things were lacking. We talked about it and came up with some ideas and put some new things into play…a month later when I did the exercise again I scored higher then I did before. On the surface it didn’t feel like anything in my relationship needed fixing, but I dug into it anyways and ended up even better then before.

    I hope that makes sense, and if anyone is interested on what it looks like all drawn out I’d be happy to show you/explain more.

    Hope that helps!

    March 2, 2016 at 7:55 am #97832
    Lsler
    Participant

    Hey anita- Forgive me as I have an analytical, blank-and-white mind, so I figure there has to be some methodical approach or solution. I’m beginning to realize that life is not so cut-and-dry.

    Anyway (I’ll use exercise/body-parts in place of emotions as an analogy to maybe reword my thoughts), in order to not over-whelm ourselves, I was thinking it might be best to focus on something which we know we need work on, like abs. And to focus our energies on that, not neglecting, but brushing off the other stuff (like biceps or chest) until we feel we’ve got our ab work under control. Then we can continue with the abs, and add something else, like biceps, to snowball our progress on recognizing what’s working for us and what isn’t.

    Hmmmm…this is difficult to explain. I’m going to look a little more into mindfulness, and maybe that’ll help clarify your comments a little more.

    Howdy Squidgirl – I’d definitely be interested to know more. Getting things down on paper seems to be something I turn to a lot, so having a framework (analytical!!) to guide that practice seems like a great idea!

    March 2, 2016 at 8:17 am #97836
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lsler:

    I tried to understand. This is what comes to my mind and let me know if there is something there for you:

    Wandering thoughts in our brain, so many of them. How do we know which to engage in and which to not engage in and how much time to engage in with which, how much time to spend resolving the problem that the thought presents, is that what you are wondering about?

    If so, there is the Here and Now scanning: how am I doing? Feeling too warm? Take the sweater off. Feeling thirsty? Drink water. Feeling weak? Take a break. Lots of people miss this simple Here and Now scanning.

    Then there is the future scanning: Have to be at work at 9 AM and feel refreshed then? Wake up at 7, have a good breakfast at 8 etc. Need a boyfriend/ partner in my life? List what it is I am looking for in one, prepare a strategy to meet one that is right for me. Etc.

    ???
    anita

    March 2, 2016 at 8:27 am #97838
    Lsler
    Participant

    Yes! So in one sentence/comment/look, one could consider many issues (self-consciousness, worth, love, anxiety, sadness, etc.)… all at once. Is there a technique to focus on one of those items at a time. IE She looked at me. I feel like I did something wrong, that I’m not good enough, that she’s questioning my honesty, that she’s judging me. It it feasible, or even helpful, to pinpoint the “not good enough” feeling and explore it, while just letting the other feelings/thoughts go (for now)? If so, how might one do that (without getting consumed by all the other wandering thoughts)?

    March 2, 2016 at 8:42 am #97839
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lsler:

    Different scenarios:

    1. She looks at you (an observation you made with your eyes).
    Is she really looking at me, or is she lost in thought and is just staring my way randomly?
    I will check this: I am smiling at her.
    Is she returning my smile?
    Yes, she did and it looks genuine. She seems nice.
    I am going to get up and ask her if I can join her.
    Or: she did not return my smile. Is it because she doesn’t like me or is spaced out.
    I will smile at her again… hey, I will wave at her.
    Oh, she did notice and she is smiling kind of absent minded, oh I guess she was spaced out.

    2. She is looking at me. I feel she is thinking badly of me.
    And I know this pattern of mine: when someone looks at me, I automatically think they are thinking badly of me.
    so this is “business as usual” for my brain: someone looking at me–> They are thinking badly of me.
    Disengage this connection. Think about something else. Or go to number 1.

    ???

    anita

    March 2, 2016 at 9:45 am #97840
    Lsler
    Participant

    Interesting. This screams to me: AWARENESS. Seems like, even when the mind is in a good place, being aware of these thoughts (even if they don’t seem to mean anything) would be a helpful practice for keeping us attuned to how we’re feeling and our emotional well-being. Thanks anita!

    March 2, 2016 at 9:48 am #97841
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Isler:

    You are welcome! Anytime. Mindfulness is another word for Awareness, really. So is Awakening (the Buddhist word, principle): being awake to what we think and feel and what we see and hear and sense with our five senses and feel in the body. It is a full time job, really!

    anita

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