There were always neighbourhood kids and such when playing in the sandbox in the start. Throwing sand at me every day and doing other things i don’t remember. Then when i got to age 4-8 it was more when we built cabins in the woods, i was forced to do the most awful things, go into small rooms in our cabins full of nails so they would continously poke me. They did this all on purpose. Once they duct taped me to a light pole and ran away.

There was many things, but many memories are also suppressed so can barely be remembered anymore. Later in school it started as verbal, calling me names every day, so quite quickly i was rather just called ‘ugly’ all over school because that was my nickname for 2-3 years, and i was continuously picked at. So i went back into my shell to protect myself and hardly ever made new friends, as i was afraid if i were to come out of my hole people would come and force me back into it again. Then from i was 12-13 it was way worse, both verbal and physical at the same time. Things like trying to blackmail me, putting superglue in my shoes right before i were to put them back on(shoes was in other room, so i couldn’t see it coming). This is definitely the worst year i had, then the one behind it at this school moved. So i went into 3 years of solitude by being loner for myself as i mentioned in the post.

My parents would always try to do something, like in early years talk to parents of the kids trying to get at me. But it didn’t help at all. Later they talked to teachers at school and ways to fix things there and tried in their best ways to be there for me. But they didn’t exactly know themselves what to do, and the teachers failed miserably too.

I know i was a bit crybaby as a kid but that wasn’t the cause of this. There’s hardly sense to make to it, but i have a theory. As of my early years i always used to hide behind my parents feet as i was so shy by birth. So that followed me for quite some time, and i had yet another start on the social life as i felt limited by speech. Up till i was 6 i couldn’t say the letter ‘L’ even, so i had to have a surgery on my tongue and doctor-ish follow-up later to learn to say that letter. So my theory is that people could read very basic signs from my body language and such, and just see me as a easy target.

When i was around age 11-12 i started with bracers and retainers also. So when me self esteem were already quite low by bullying, getting braces on didn’t exactly make things better in my eyes. I felt i looked like a freak really, so i withdrew even more and was almost afraid of going out being with people in case of being made fun of. This went gradually down by the years, but i was also so lucky i had to use retainers 3 times, and braces 2 times. So i wasn’t done with it all until i was 20. yaaay.

So after i turned 13 i figured i should just ‘grow up’. So from that day, i held it all within and never spoke of it again and never cried again until last year, as i had seen how much pain it brought my parents. So i felt i could be strong enough to have that burden myself. But what i didn’t see back then was that it would cause me to freeze out family without seeing it myself. I didn’t want them hurt more, so i fought on for myself.

I wasn’t totally alone that being said, i started a martial arts when i was 13 due to i knew one of my bestfriends had been doing that for years. So i started with the wrong motives for the first month. But they took me in with open arms and helped to hold me stable for all these years and slowly build me up some but not as much as i have managed last year. So my motives quickly changed and i have been with those people forever since and it brings me lots of joy. And to be completely honest here, i don’t think i’d survive without those people i train with, i think i would found a way to escape…i have never been suicidal that i can promise you, but during my ages 13-16 i was hoping to get a major non-curable disease that would fix everything.

The friend who helped me was former girlfriend of a guy i went to school with. We came into contact by first me asking for advice to my former classmate. He got me into contact with his former gf, and we talked more and more. In the start she was mostly listening and letting me tell the story i had been holding in for 10 years. I didn’t give all details at first, because back then being open was totally new to me. So with trust i managed to open up more and more.

She started giving advice and her point of view of things after a while. And i constantly asked if there things i needed answer on, like social cues, codes what was right and wrong. Disarming my insecurities and building me up. Also giving me some tasks, tasks that were guaranteed to push me out of my comfort zone. But after a while she didnt need to give advice and point of views. Thing eventually fell into place by themselves also when i had first got the ball rolling, but that was mostly because i had a burning desire to work on myself and get to know my real self. But maybe when i look back, she was more like a mentor, while i had the will to take every step myself with guidance.