Hi Ashley

Really sad story. I don’t normally comment on relationship issues as I’m hardly an expert, but I can identify with so much of what you have spoken about that I hope I can help a little. In my case, I suffered physical and mental abuse from a partner who was mentally ill, but it lasted nearly 18 years.

First and most importantly, you must keep well away from this woman for your own safety. She clearly has serious mental health issues and it is clear from her seriously assaulting you that you cannot help her even if you wanted to.

These issues may or may not relate to the things in her past that she told you about, but from experience I would be cautious about taking them at face value. I have often known people who will invent such stories in an effort to garner sympathy, or simply as an excuse to behave outrageously. This has a damaging effect, not only on those around them, but particularly on those who genuinely have suffered such abuse. Whilst there is no way of knowing anything for definite in her case, I would find it incredibly difficult to believe she would let her Grandad babysit her own daughter if he had genuinely abused her. So all I would say is that her statements bear all the hallmarks of being invented to excuse herself, but I accept I may be completely wrong.

The only other important issue is your son, and access to him. You absolutely need to approach the courts to gain access, and potentially apply for custody. You don’t mention whether you have pressed charges relating to the assault but it would certainly be in your and your son’s interests to do so. As a father, I found that the Court was prepared to overlook virtually any behaviour of the Mother (including violence towards me and my children) because I hadn’t made any complaints to the police. In my case, I was trying to hold the relationship together, but you have no relationship to lose. If she is capable of inflicting such an injury on you, she is capable of doing it to a child.

I can fully identify with where you are right now, and it feels completely devastating. The best way I found of working through it was simply taking action and starting the fight for your son. Whatever the outcome, the knowledge that you have done everything that you can will enable you to start healing yourself. In my case, I had very limited success, due to a lazy lawyer and an incompetent Family Court system (which has since been acknowledged). But at least it allowed me to look my children in the eye and live with myself, knowing that I had done everything I could.

Once I resolved that I was going to fight back as hard as I could, not out of spite against her but for the welfare of my children, I felt so much better and more energised, and I’m sure you will feel the same. It’s clear from the way that you write that your focus is on your children. Keep that focus, because it will stop you from pursuing pointless arguments, and at the end of the day it is all about them, not about you and her.

Good luck, my friend, and stay strong.

Dear Ashley:

You are welcome. Yes, she sounds like a combination of a few personality disorders: borderline for her instability of mood and moving from one relationship to the next, and worst: her physical and verbal abuse of you! and anti social for her lack of empathy.

Yes, it is amazing isn’t it how she could change from loving to cruel. But then nobody is cruel all the time. Every cruel person is sometimes kind. When you experience someone’s kindness it is hard to believe that same person can be so cruel but then, it is always the case that a cruel person is not always cruel.

I support your resolution to go the legal route. To place your sons as your first priority. Take care!

anita