Home→Forums→Relationships→Emotional wounds from past ruined relationship with amazing man – feeling lost
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February 16, 2016 at 4:29 pm #96224
JamieParticipantSorry, this will be long.
My boyfriend of 5 months (we’ve known each other for 7 years) broke up with me two days ago. I still have so many emotional wounds from my last relationship and I brought my insecurity into this one.
I was in an extremely intense relationship for almost 3 years. It was great when it was great, but it was so horrible when it wasn’t. He would get extremely drunk often, belittle me, accuse me of things, push me away and then beg me to stay, etc. He did not open up to me at all and then would explode at me. I gave him all of my love and tried to fix him, but I neglected myself. I didn’t think I was deserving of love and was stuck. We broke up and got back together several times, until I moved across the country for good. We still stayed in contact.
When I moved, I was immediately pursued by my most recent ex. He is an incredible, secure, kind, generous person. I was so attracted to him and he was clearly pursuing me. I told him about my ex and about how it was an extremely emotionally turbulent relationship. He said he understood, but wanted to proceed with a relationship with me. This is when I should have said no, I need to work on myself and heal. But of course I didn’t.
Everything was wonderful for a couple months. We connected intellectually, we made each other laugh harder than anyone else, we opened up to each other. I could see myself spending my whole life with him. And then things started to get bad. He’d say something innocent that would trigger some insecurity in me from my past relationship and I couldn’t let it go. I was critical and my expectations were too high. I would start fights about things he didn’t mean as hurtful and i would drag them out. I acted indifferent when I was hurt to test his affections. He was patient and kind and knew about my past, but I could see him becoming anxious and unhappy. He always felt the need to reassure me of his love and affection because I couldn’t accept that someone could love me and mean it. He is naturally so full of joy, and though we got along so well, I could see him shrinking. I could see my insecurity and pain from my last relationship killing this one – one with a secure partner.
He ended things after staying and trying for a long time. I can’t blame him. I jumped too quickly out of an insanely emotional relationship into a new one. My heart is absolutely shattered because I have hurt and exhausted this incredible man who loved me freely. I hate that I was incapable of doing the same. I love him so much, but I know that I’m just not able to love him the way he deserves and the way I want to love him. We cried so hard and he said that he thinks I need to be alone and that he was sorry for pushing me to be in a relationship when I wasn’t ready, but that he had been so ready for one and liked me so much. He didn’t realize how hurt I was from my past. He says he can’t wait to see who I’ll become when I realize all of the amazing things about myself that he sees every day.
He is the kind of person I want to spend my life with. We get along so well – we would stay up til 4 in the morning without realizing it just talking about everything, laughing, making up stories, telling secrets. He’s creative, kind, intelligent, handsome, charming, talented, funny and loving. My heart aches for not being ready to be with him, and I’m so scared of losing him from my life forever. I wish we had dated months later after I’d taken care of myself and taken this journey to self-love. He says he hopes that we can still be in each other’s lives, and to call him when I feel okay enough to do so. Tonight was supposed to be our Valentine’s Day date (we were both busy Valentine’s Day with work) and he still wants to go to the classical music concert, which is confusing for me.
Does anyone have any advice or guidance? I’ve started seeing a therapist. I’m beginning sessions with an energy healer this week. I’m reading forums and articles and books. I know I must treat the relationship as if it’s over, but I hope there’s still a chance. The relationship we could have once I feel whole and secure again would be an amazing one. We have some mutual friends, including my roommates who are getting married at the end of May, so at the latest that’s when we will speak and see each other. I’m trying to have faith in the universe and to love and forgive myself, but I’m finding it difficult when I’m losing a best friend, and the only person I’ve ever been able to see myself growing old with.
February 16, 2016 at 7:28 pm #96242
AnonymousGuestDear Jamie:
There is a way, or there was a way for you to work on your issues while in a relationship with him. If you working on yourself, attending therapy alone, as a single person, then you will not have the opportunity to address issues that only come up in the context of a relationship! The only way to address and heal relationship issues is in the context of an ongoing relationship.
If he is willing, it is best that the two of you attend a really good couple psychotherapist. First on the agenda would be teaching the two of you effective interpersonal skills- these can be taught in sessions and practiced in between. Let’s say the two of you attend therapy and in between the weekly sessions you meet one time in a coffee shop, or twice a week to do … homework given to the two of you by the therapist.
Interpersonal skills include communicating respectfully, always, no matter how you feel.
“Doing the Opposite” ex. when you feel like punishing him with a silent treatment, you do the exact opposite- reach out to him. other skills have to do with taking responsibility for your feelings, instead of blaming him or expecting him to fix your distress. The teaching of such includes how to word your statements and questions to him, how to assert yourself and so much more. There are lots of printed material the therapist can give you on the matter (psychoeducation, part of the therapy), homework assignments.My favorite therapy would be CBT with a good touch of Mindfulness.
anita
February 16, 2016 at 8:19 pm #96245AnonymousInactiveI agree with Anita on her post above to you Jamie and I believe it’s a really excellent Idea actually. I am actually willing to do what was mentioned above, about the couples therapy if my partner wanted to. I am all for wanting and working on keeping the relationship healthy, so that couple may continue to thrive in the future. Good luck to you Jamie, you are doing the right thing by seeking a therapist, staying positive and most importantly I salute you for not giving up on the relationship so easily. Lots of love & light.
I’ve read about the silent abuse almost 2 years ago, suggested by a friend and it’s sad and hurtful to read. One must be prepared. http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper
February 16, 2016 at 10:31 pm #96247
MagalieParticipantDear Jamie
Why are you being so hard on yourself?
Why do you have to be the only one to
take the blame here?I will tell you something that is really
simple:You acted crazy in the relationship.
Not because you’re a mean crazy person
but because you were not ready .
Neither you nor he should have started
the relationship – but hey – no reason
crying over spilled milk.5 months isn’t all that long to have
invested in a bad relationship..If your guy is even half as perfect as
you say he is and your true soul mate,
not only will he forgive you but he will
wait for you until you are ready. .If he runs to the next woman, don’t blame yourself and stop idealizing him. .
If he truly loves you, he’ll patiently
wait until you are ready to be with him.
That what I’d call your true Prince
Charming
🙂The universe has a funny way of making
things work out – forget the past and
move on with your life – with or without
him by your
side – it is his choice …February 16, 2016 at 10:35 pm #96248MagalieParticipantMax I also recommend the blog
baggagereclaim.co.uk
for the broken heartedFebruary 17, 2016 at 12:05 am #96250JamieParticipantThank you for the responses. How I wish I could suggest going to couples therapy, but he has been firm in his belief that I need to sort through this on my own. He is an inherently joyful and easygoing person, so our fights and my lashing out really took a toll on him. I don’t want to put him through that anymore, as much as I’ll miss him.
I wish I had started going to therapy much earlier so I could learn such interpersonal skills and put them to use in the relationship. I’m trying so hard not to fall into a hole thinking this is all my fault. He wasn’t perfect, no. He doesn’t really have any relationship baggage, which is good I guess, but I also don’t think he knew what to expect when he continued to pursue me after I told him what I was going through.
I’m just trying to trust the universe. I struggle with obsessive thoughts, self-blame, and fear. I am always hard on myself and it’s hard for me to see this as something that’s not all my fault. I know therapy will help me with this and this will be a good opportunity for me to be kinder to myself. I’m just so heartbroken that I’ve lost him.
February 17, 2016 at 12:23 am #96251AnonymousInactiveI can only imagine how you must feel but you can’t say you lost him for good when your life isn’t even over yet. Who knows what the future holds. From experience, everything can change drastically in a matter of days, weeks or months for all you know. As the old saying goes ” It’s not over, till it’s over.” which is so very true. Have faith in yourself, continue to stay positive and stop beating yourself up over the past. Can’t change it but you can make the present future better, like you are doing now.
You will get through the emotional bumps you are feeling inside and you will heal and forgive yourself, if you already haven’t. None of us on this earth are perfect human beings, we all make mistakes and have to make decisions at times to the best of our abilities. If he truly loves you, he will forgive you for your imperfections and work on having a successful relationship with you in the future. And if he doesn’t, then it’s his big loss. Not yours.
What counts right now is that you are doing all the right things to better yourself and love yourself. From now on, trust in yourself and the universe to guide you through this. Keep your chin up, life is full of beautiful surprises if you maintain a positive outlook and attitude in life. You are doing an excellent job so far! 🙂
Eventually, everything will work themselves out in time. Take care.
M.T.
February 17, 2016 at 7:48 am #96271AnonymousGuestDear Jamie:
I read most of your original post again, following reading your second post. In your second, are you saying that you suggested couple therapy to him and he refused, saying you should have therapy alone?
You seem certain that you need to straighten out and catch up to his perfection. It is possible that he is as close to perfection as a human being can be. Possible. There is also another possibility: that the way you view him is in comparison to your past relationship with your ex, and in comparison, this one looks like heaven on earth. It is possible, just possible, that he found some comfort in you being the one with the problems, freeing him from confronting any of his own.
What do you think? Is it a possibility?
anita
February 17, 2016 at 8:00 am #96275JamieParticipantI didn’t suggest it to him because he seemed so firm on his decision. We had talked about breaking up 2 weeks ago. I asked him to stay because I had an awareness of my issues, was seeking help, etc. Things didn’t change enough in 2 weeks for him and we continued fighting because of my insecurities, though things were better, so he decided ending things was the right decision. I didn’t feel like it would have been right to fight him on that again.
He is truly an amazing person and friend. Not without flaws, though. He is very pragmatic and business-like sometimes, he was sometimes insensitive in the way he said things, and he could be selfish (but of course, so could I). I don’t think he found comfort in me being the one with the problems. He wanted so badly to help me through things, and got so frustrated when patterns kept repeating themselves. He got frustrated that I didn’t see how amazing or worthy I was. He got frustrated that I struggled to step back from my emotions and create space instead of acting irrationally and quickly. He has admitted to things he’s done wrong and apologized as well – getting upset with me when I placed all of the blame on myself. I know that we could have worked it out, which is what hurts. The fact that we both want the same thing is frustrating. I need time to get there though, and he is much closer.
February 17, 2016 at 8:24 am #96279
SamwiseParticipantTo your last post, you could have worked it out if both wanted. If both were willing to put in the work. If. If’s create anxiety and stress. If’s dont exist. Im very proud of you for going to therapy!! I wish I’d taken that road before now. I was in a similar position where I didnt have my emotions all sorted out(still working on it) but he has decided to stay with me and work on it. It has not been easy but it’s the road we decided to walk. Maybe someday it will come back and workout or maybe it wont. It doesnt matter and you should focus on your now, which looks like you are trying to do. You are in the right direction 🙂
February 17, 2016 at 8:30 am #96282AnonymousGuestDear Jamie:
I hope your psychotherapy goes well, that you do learn and heal. Please do post here again, anytime… over time. Would like to read about your progress in therapy!
anita
February 19, 2016 at 9:01 am #96484JamieParticipantI have seen my therapist as well as an emotional healer since my last post. Both were very helpful and I’m feeling a bit lighter today.
The emotional healer told me that my previous ex’s energy was still taking up so much space that there was no room for my now recent ex. She said that our agreement at a soul level had been fulfilled though, which was for the relationship to teach me to step into my power. She asked if, as a child, I was often told to be quiet, which is true. She kept seeing me as a 4 year-old girl and said that’s when I felt like I lost some power. When I was younger I was fearless, sure of myself, confident, curious – she’s right. She explained my previous relationship as a servant/master situation, where I did what I was told and even when I said “no”, was dismissed. She told me I was an empath and healer, which I kind of already knew. I absorb other’s emotions and energies very easily, and become very affected by them – that’s why I stayed with my ex for 3 years. I just wanted to help. She did some reiki work to help clear my second chakra and help me reclaim my power and energy. She said my most recent ex is kind in seeing this and giving me the space to do so. I know that, and for that, I am grateful. I hope he is open to trying again in the future after I continue my self-love work.
Most people suggest “no contact” after a breakup, but in this situation I’m not sure. I definitely want to give things time to breathe and settle, but I also know that we are both still important to the other, and want to stay in each other’s lives. He said he hoped for a chance to try us again, but wanted to be friends at the very least. I guess I’ll see when I’m ready – he told me to reach out first, as I’m the one dealing with my issues mostly.
February 19, 2016 at 9:16 am #96486AnonymousGuestDear Jamie:
Thank you for the update, Jamie! Your emotional healer said that as a four year old you were fearless, confident, curious. At first I was going to agree with her or him. Except that I remembered watching young children with a parent, a mother let’s say. A young child ventures away from a parent, to explore, to learn, to satisfy her curiosity only when feeling secure with the mother. The child explores but then looks for the presence of the mother, gets her comforting message (something like: … I am here for you, I love you) and only then continues to explore. Or the child gets scared, reaches out to the mother, gets comforting and when calm explores again. So I disagree that we are fearless as young children. I think fear is always a factor.
When you learned to be submissive, as your emotional healer suggested, you did so in order to get the protection of a parent, didn’t you. You adapted to your parent’s demand to be obedient. So it made sense then.
But it no longer makes sense now. It is no longer effective. So I do hope you develop your assertiveness further and further, take charge of your life in every way possible. This would be doing your part in getting ready for a good relationship in the future, with this guy or another.
anita
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