Confused love

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This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by May.

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February 10, 2016 at 9:10 pm #95765

May
Participant

Hello everyone,

I just joined the site and I am really grateful for the opportunity to seek advise and guidance from like-minded people.

I am struggling right now. I am with a man who makes me feel lonely and unappreciated and I struggle to understand whether it is “me” or “him” or “us” together that is creating this feeling in me. I have been in turbulent relationships before and I carry my baggage from them and childhood abandonment issues. These past experiences have contributed to me feeling like I am needy. I question my perceptions and wonder if they are a reflection of my ingrained fears or if what I am feeling or not feeling in this relationship is real. I am not used to feeling this vulnerable in relationships.

Throughout our relationship, I feel like I have taken a lot of responsibility for arguments. At times, I have done so even while thinking that the fault is his, to keep the peace. Everything happens on his terms. Communication, or lack of it. Dates, sex, the videos we watch, movies, whether or not we go out to socialize and with whom. He likes control. I reach out to make plans. He always rearranges them to suit him. At times he is wonderfully sweet and thoughtful, at others he goes MIA without warning. I do not know if I am asking for too much, but somehow I feel like I am settling for less and less as time goes on. We are both very busy doctors in training. Yet, I am always ready to lend a helping hand. He, on the other hand, leaves me hanging a lot, after I told him repeatedly how this has a negative impact on my trust in him. Is it too much to ask a man to communicate with his SO if he plans to be MIA for a day or two, after establishing guidelines for daily contact? It seems to happen most when times get rough – like a really busy week in our careers. However, we are in the same stage of training, so we both go through those times together, with only me reaching out to provide support. I welcome your thoughts and suggestions. I love this man, but I feel torn and wanting in this relationship daily.

February 10, 2016 at 10:09 pm #95769
dreaming715
Participant
May: I got this information from an advice article written by a man who is a dating coach. It personally helped me. I just want to share this perspective. I apologize if this advice article comes off a little straightforward. I believe you deserve a deeply fulfilling, happy, content relationship with someone though.

“One thing you can do is “do nothing.” By not taking the initiative – and not reminding him that you’re alive and waiting for him – you get to see whether he’s truly into you. A man who is into you calls, plans dates, keeps in touch in between, commits, and makes you feel valued as a girlfriend. A man who is not into you doesn’t do these things.

That brings me to my other philosophy, “men do what they want.” Your emotions can cloud your judgment. It’s almost as if what you WANT to be true is superseding what IS true. As a result, women stay in dead-end relationships with men who don’t call them, commit to them, or talk about a future with them.

So why wouldn’t a man call, commit, or talk about a future? Because he doesn’t want to.

Your next move is to tell him the truth: you’re looking for a boyfriend, not an occasional texting buddy, dinner companion, and sex partner. If he’s not gonna step it up, you’re gonna step out.”
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by dreaming715.
February 11, 2016 at 4:28 am #95777

HippieChick
Participant

The above advice is very true. Often women look for and find signs that are truly not there if it’s what they want in a relationship. Pull away just a little to get a better look at the big picture. Don’t call, text or make a plan with him. See if he takes the initiative. If he doesn’t make plans for the weekend by Wednesday then make your own plans and DON’T BREAK THEM if he calls you up Friday night and wants to go out. Don’t do this in a revengful or spiteful way….do it so that you can see if he truly wants to be with you and values YOU not just having a woman around occasionally.

It’s not easy coming to terms with the fact that a relationship may not be what you thought it was or wanted it to be. But it’s better to get it over with and deal with reality.

February 11, 2016 at 9:41 am #95793

Anonymous
Guest

Dear may:

From my understanding of your post, you are trying to understand what you accurately project into the situation (what is really happening) and what you inaccurately project into it (your personal past experiences clouding the view of what is really happening).

In that quest, here is one sentence you wrote: “I am not used to feeling this vulnerable in relationships.” This is telling me that although you felt vulnerable in past relationships and had challenging relationships in the past, in this particular relationship you are feeling MORE vulnerable than in the past relationships. This is making me look into this particular relationship so to explain the INCREASED vulnerable feelings on your part.

Next, you wrote that you are needy, I suppose you meant very needy, or more than you think you should be and that you have ingrained fears, you mentioned abandonment fears from childhood, so this is also to be taken into consideration.

Next, you wrote: “At times, I have done so even while thinking that the fault is his, to keep the peace.” This means to me that something is wrong in this relationship, in reality. The fact that you took the passive, “my bad”, my fault, you-are-right, I-am-wrong position is an indication of an unhealthy dynamic.

Then you wrote: “I reach out to make plans. He always rearranges them to suit him.” This is another troubling aspect to this particular relationship. If he rearranges the plans you suggested or made without negotiating with you, without your input, without a back and forth discussion, than that is something very wrong in the relationship.

Then you wrote: “At times he is wonderfully sweet and thoughtful, at others he goes MIA without warning.” Assuming his MIA is a pattern of behavior on his part, and you are both training doctors, so you know the challenges of this lifestyle, then he is untrustworthy. You cannot trust the “sweet and thoughtful” to last. It is in-congruent with being MIA.

These are my analysis so far of your post. Your thoughts…?

anita

February 11, 2016 at 12:14 pm #95811

Jilly
Participant

Hi,

I just joined your sight and have been reading up on relationships. I recently met someone and they live in an other state. I spent a few days with him and than he left to go back home. We kept in touch he was initiating all the calls and texts i was just responding to them. At Christmas he wished me a Merry Christmas and sent me a video of his day with his family and a picture of his three kids with their name below the caption. A few days later he asked me to spend New Years Eve with him. We ended up spending New Years Eve and the next four days together out of town. After coming back from our trip he would either by phone or text let me know what was going on in his life. I know he has 3 kids and several business that and he does a lot of travel for and he said that it would be crazy when he got back. He stopped calling as much and not texting me as much. He had called and apologized for not calling and said he would call me back later and never did and this happened a couple more times. He was in New York on a business and called and spoke to him and he said he would call me when he got back the next day (this was either the second or 3rd time he did not call back) and he did not so the following morning I sent him a text message (I know that was not the right way to handle it but at the time I reacted) and let him know that I did not appreciate him being disrespectful and that I treat people the way I want to be treated that I do wish him well. He sent me a text back that he was not being disrespectful to me or dishonest and would call me later. A few minutes later he called but I was at work and not able to take the call and he left me a msg. stating that he would appreciated me calling instead of texting him those things (he is absolutely right) and that he had told me the night he was in New York that he had stuff with his son to deal with when he got back and that maybe he is just not ready for this than he says that he wants to be friends and still do things together and that he is not sure what I am feeling or what my expectations were and than back to maybe he needs to focus on the things he needs to and not do this. I tried calling him the day after he left me this msg. and he did not answer left him a msg to call me when he got a chance that I was not able to talk at work and was headed out with friends after that. When I got to where I was going the following day (since I did not hear back from him) I sent him a text explaining to him about the phone calls that was this issue and I found it very disrespectful and not something that was acceptable behavior to me. I am feeling regret that I handled it so badly and did not call him the same day and that I sent him a text instead of a phone call. I have not heard from him since January 30 when he left me a msg. and he never responded to my phone call the following day or my text. Should I just let this go and move on and learn from my mistake??????? or do I call and leave him a msg. apologizing for texting instead of calling. I really do like him and enjoyed being with him. Not sure why I feel so upset over all of this!!!

February 11, 2016 at 2:47 pm #95819

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jilly:

Can you copy your above post in a new thread: click FORUMS above, pick a CATEGORY (ex. Emotional Mastery), click that category, go down the page and paste your post above? I would like to reply to it but this thread started by May is new and should be dedicated to May’s post at this point.

anita

February 11, 2016 at 7:32 pm #95855
May
Participant
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments.

To clarify – we are in a committed relationship. We have met each other’s families. I am the first girlfriend he “brought home”. He has his own childhood issues that he struggles with and says this is a big barrier to him coming closer to me. Over the months he has made a lot of progress, but still I feel like I am the initiator of most things. I have pulled back, several times. At those times he did initiate and resolve issues and sought me out. I know he loves me, I just do not know if love to him means the same as it does to me. He was raised to not show affection; I am a very affectionate person. He was raised to keep his thoughts to himself; I have a hard time containing mine. We are very different people in how we live our lives daily, but we hold some important common values. He is ambitious, intelligent, thoughtful. He wants the same things I do in the long run and just keeps asking me to be patient because he is busy right now building a future for us both.

I become exhausted when my needs right now are repeatedly not met. However, I am cautious to put too much pressure on him too soon because I know in the past I have needed to be focused on my career first and there is nothing wrong with that. For instance, today, he was sweet and caring. He was there for me. He was loving and sweet. We have plans for the V-day weekend and I hope it goes well.

I guess me being torn stems from cognitive dissonance. My feelings and thoughts are leading me in different directions and I do not know how much to trust myself. I have allowed fears to rule my head and heart before and I do not want to do that with him. I want to learn how to maintain healthy boundaries in relationships and let them breathe. I just do not know how much space is too much or not enough and I do not know how to gauge the state of my relationship reasonably. He says I inflate the bad sometimes. I feel like he downplays it sometimes. This leaves me conflicted. He tells me to try meditation because he feels I overthink things. I have tried, but I cannot seem to relax enough to do more than 5 minutes.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by May.
February 11, 2016 at 8:24 pm #95868

HippieChick
Participant

I am the Queen of overthinking so I understand that aspect. What I’ve learned is that you have to, at some point, decide if you can trust him and then, if you feel you can, JUST DO IT. Until he gives you a reason not to. When you start to feel those negative thoughts…distract yourself and tell yourself, literally out loud if needed, “I’m just scared/nervous/overthinking this. Everything is ok”. You may even need to sit down in a calm moment and discuss all this with him from YOUR perspective.

If you can’t trust him…or if he’s not willing to reassure you and work with you a little…you may want to reconsider and wait for someone willing to accept you and help you be a better person.

This is pretty much my experience. I hope you can take something from it.

February 11, 2016 at 8:42 pm #95869

May
Participant

Actually, Tami, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I was on a path of derailing myself for the past week, going back and forth analyzing every little thing. This puts a lot of strain on our relationship, because instead of addressing things as they come up in a calm and rational manner, I drive myself nuts overanalyzing and fearing the worst and work myself up to a point that I explode on him emotionally.

I trust him not to hurt me intentionally. He can be rather a clumsy man emotionally and can and has hurt me unintentionally, but he is willing to work on this clumsiness of his.

You’re right, letting go is the way. Even if it does not work out I will feel that I have really put myself out on a limb and grew from the experience. Easier said than done – but then again, I joined this site for a reason 🙂

February 12, 2016 at 4:14 am #95881

HippieChick
Participant

I’m glad I could help. That’s what brought me to this site as well. I realized I was about to ruin a great relationship with my personal insecurity and needed (and wanted) to stop. It’s been a huge help in many aspects of my life….the forum and the articles posted. I hope you continue to post and read here to help you on your journey!

February 12, 2016 at 5:56 am #95885

Bakedbean
Participant

Hi May

I feel like there is an emotional disconnect here with you both. Its as if he does not sense your emotional needs and you are trying so hard because you want this relationship . I think it would be good for you to notice your own emotional responses and trust in them and let them guide you as you move forward. You can ask yourself, does this relationship make me feel good? How much of the time? Can I trust this man to care for my heart and how I am feeling? Is this the relationship I want?

I feel that it is ok for him to go MIA for a short time when, as a doctor, his life gets busy and demanding, as long as he does not leave it too long to reconnect. However, the constant changing of plans to suit him suggests that he is not factoring in your needs.

You come across as a caring and altruistic person who has a lot to give, stay strong and trust in yourself 🙂

I hope this bit of advice is of some help to you.

Take care

BB

February 15, 2016 at 2:49 pm #96098

May
Participant

Thanks BB,

We had a lot of time to talk over the weekend and it seems there has been some progress. It is still a 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of thing, but for the most part we are making headway. Time will tell!
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