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What can I do if my wife no longer feels she loves me?

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  • #95384
    Jeff
    Participant

    Brief backstory: my wife and I have been married 12 years and have a three year old son.
    Until very recently, I would have described our marriage as rock solid. It’s been quite peaceful overall, with only occasional arguments but nothing major. Never any serious problems.

    About a month ago, out of the blue (for me at least) my wife seemed very upset but didn’t want to talk about it. I eventually coaxed her into talking, and she essentially said she felt like we were living like roommates rather than husband and wife. We ended up having a long, frank, and fruitful discussion. She told me she felt like there wasn’t enough genuine conversation and romantic affection in our relationship. I truly took this to heart and have made major efforts in these areas. For several weeks, all seemed well. Our relationship felt better than ever (to me at least).

    But then about a week ago she again seemed very upset but reluctant to talk. I eventually convinced her to talk with me about it, and she confessed that she wasn’t sure if she really felt the same way about me that she used to. This was quite devastating to me, a complete punch in the gut. I re-affirmed my love for her, and after quite a bit of discussion she modified her position somewhat to say she felt we needed to make specific plans to connect with each other at least once a week (e.g. a date night). I agreed and we made such plans.

    Yesterday was the first of those. Our three year old went to the grandparents and we went to a high-end brunch at a nearby swanky resort and had what I felt was quality, deep, personal conversation on many issues. Afterwards we went for a walk in a nearby national park and all seemed right with the world.

    But then after we got home, she told me she wanted to take a drive by herself. This was a little disturbing to me because the plan had been that since our son was at the grandparents, this would be our day to spend together. And here she is wanting to leave and go off on her own. I didn’t express these concerns though, and she did end up leaving for a few hours. After she got back, her mood was entirely different than it had been earlier in the day. She would barely speak to me and seemed irritated at everything I said or did. Eventually I was able to convince her to talk with me, and she told me that she no longer felt romantic love for me, but that she cared for me and felt more like we were good friends. Another punch in the gut. But I kept asking questions, because I really wanted to know the truth of how she felt and where these feelings were coming from. She confessed that she felt a general restlessness with our life in general, and with our relationship in particular. She started talking about when she was back in college, when she felt she would never get married and would lead an exciting, independent, single life. That’s not what happened, of course, and I never had any inclination she had any regrets about the path we’d chosen, at least not until now. For the first time ever, I felt in my gut that she would probably leave me, and probably sooner rather than later.

    It’s not just me either- multiple family members, including her mother, have complained to me in private that my wife seems very distant with very little interest in talking with them. She hasn’t wanted to visit my parents in some time, even though they’re only an hour away, so I’ve been going just with our son. She also seems to have an overall lack of affection for our son lately as well. She takes care of him (as do I), but she shows no interest in playing with him and seems to view him as just a chore to be done.

    Strangely, after the episode last night, today she has been acting completely normal, even kind to me. Almost as if last night didn’t even happen. Now I truly don’t know what to think. It feels as if I might encounter a different person each day, even within the same day. But I just have this gut feeling that something is fundamentally broken now, and that sooner or later it will completely fall apart. I absolutely do not want a divorce, but I have been preparing myself mentally and emotionally for this possibility.

    She has also recently been developing a much stronger friendship with a male co-worker (her boss actually). She’s known him for quite a while but in the past few months their friendship has grown quite a bit (and she’s made no secret of this). I have no reason to believe she is having a physical affair but perhaps she is having an “emotional affair” (maybe even unintentionally).

    I would appreciate any insight and advice from anyone who has been down this road (on either side).

    #95410
    Matty
    Participant

    Hi Jeff,

    Man this is some heavy! I will be the first to admit, i have never been in a relationship, however i have seen many extended family go through something similar, some ended in better places than others. Although never in a relationship, i guess i see things from the outside perspective, maybe something might be of use, if not, i hope i didn’t waste too much of your time. That’s my little disclaimer 😉

    I have tried writing this a couple times now, because i honestly don’t know what your feeling or going through. All my advice or suggestions seem to be empty since i have never been in your shoes….Imma give it a shot.

    From what it sounded like, your wife is regretting quite a lot. Things she could of done, the ‘what ifs’. I think this is normal, at some point you have a chance to reflect and wonder what life would be like without the current situation. I find it interesting that other family members have also noticed something is up. This in my opinion is a warning sign that something besides simple regrets and what ifs is going on. The problem with regrets is that our perspective is skewed, after all we only regret when we are not contempt. Although your wife says she doesn’t feel the same way about you anymore, is there any particular reason why? Because you fart in your sleep? Eat nosily? there won’t be a cookie cutter answer, but there has to be a reason, irrespective of whether it’s logical or illogical.

    Your wife seems like someone i used to know, she would bottle up everything, even when you thought everything was fine, she would just bottle it up and explode. It really wasn’t a healthy way to go about life. Your wife could be suppressing her emotions and feelings because she may feel she may offend you if she comes right out and speaks her mind. If she is in an emotional affair with her boss, she may feel she can’t be ‘judged’ as much with someone that only knows a couple of versus and lines from her life. You can bind chapters and make a mini series! Heck, her mother could write everything! So i reckon that’s why she is speaking to this other fella. being afraid of judgement is usually worst than actually receiving it, like the age old truth, the fear of falling is greater than the fall itself. Have you considered maybe seeing a marriage counselor? or even someone who is impartial? This i think would be a good start.

    We should also not discount the possibility that maybe she is going through physical and mental changes. I don’t know how old your wife is, maybe it could be menopause, maybe depression or even bipolar. I just thought i would put this here, i’m not an expert, but i know my aunt started menopause when she was in her early 30s. It could be possible. There is heaps of info on the net for this kind of stuff. I hope this helps you somehow.

    #95417
    Nan
    Participant

    If unable or wife unwilling to go to counseling, or cant afford it, please go to library and get this book:
    ” Hold Me Tight” author is Dr. Sue Johnson. Very insightful and talks of how to together to have more open communication and open doors for a lifetime of love.
    My intuition is that there is someone or something else in her life. I have felt like that before, it was true and the disappearance of taking a drive alone, after the closeness of that date makes me wonder. If she suddenly needs to leave out of town for traveling for her work, red flags would be going up in my head. Do you get a paper bill for cellphone usage? If so, check the phone numbers at the time she left that evening. and you may see something or not during that alone time of driving.
    I wouldn’t discount the physical menopause or depression scenario. But, the changes with you, her son and her family members, appears to be secretive and not wanting to be near them, so nothing emotional spills out of her mouth. I have been there and thought I was very clever in concealment, but it eventually gets discovered.
    As men always used to say, even if caught in the act…..Deny, deny, deny”. I sincerely hope this isn’t the case, but with a small child involved, wouldn’t want you to be blindsided or the child suffer the distantness that may be occurring, because she might be obsessed with the “What If” of a new situation, and depressions over loss of what might have been in her carefree days before. I am an investigator by trade, so my cynicism sometimes makes my life easier when searching for the truth. Keeping your head in the sand just makes it easier for her, if something is up. If nothing is up, then counseling and your efforts to make things right, like date night, etc are good to repair the relationship that seems to be leaving her melancholy.

    #95432
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jeff:

    One troubling pattern, perhaps, that I noticed in your post is that she is having a problem with the relationship with you/ with her life, and you automatically take responsibility for it, as if it is something for you to fix. She is upset, you take it to heart and talk more with her, take her out on a special night and… hope for the best. Not an effective strategy on your part, in this situation, I believe.

    A better strategy would be to give her the personal responsibility she owns for her experience of the relationship with you, for her experience in the relationship with your son and for her experience in her life in general. She owns it so don’t take it upon yourself. If she feels there are no satisfactory communication with you, let her work to improve it! Let her talk to you earlier than when she does, bring up what bothers her… this is her job.

    She is 100% responsible for her choices, for her participation in relationship with you. You are 100% responsible for your choices, your participation in the relationship. This makes the relationship itself only 50% your responsibility.

    Please do post again…. I have more thoughts, but enough here for now. I would like to read more about your thoughts and your ongoing experiences with her and would like to comment again.

    anita

    #95652
    Wisejo
    Participant

    Jeff sorry your going thru this emotional pain I recently have a similar situation after 7 year relationship.
    No more on off one foot in one foot out is what it sounds like.
    I stopped trying to figure my partner out I let go with Love and focus totally on my life, in counseling, learning Unattachment by Buddha studies & wish her to be happy.
    On the surface when one just turns on their loved ones like this I find it to be very immature. They’re not being open honest, up front They’re Not Being Accountable!!! & maybe not capable but ” They need to be responsible for their actions” & see how they effect other peoples lives & you need to focus on your life & your sons life. Counseling is good as a couple & if she doesn’t want to go best you go alone & work your way to a Happier Life for you & your son.

    I wish you both find your path to happiness especially for your son.
    Ps when family notices I say “It so much better for me this way” we were on separate paths

    Wishing you peace & happiness

    #95654
    Wisejo
    Participant

    Ps Jeff watch Utube Teal Swan Relationship teachings amazing insight!

    #95733
    stone
    Participant

    Reading your post was the reason I created an account.

    It is so scarily similar to what has been going on with me. The way your wife appears to feel about her life, and her relationship with you and your child…seems to be a mirror of what I have been living. Except I am in her position and not yours. All the things you said that she has told you, her behaviors, others noticing a change…it was like reading about myself.

    I have been with my partner since we were teenagers (16). He is the only guy I have ever been with. We have two young kids. The last 12-18months have been an incredibly trying time for me personally, and from the sounds of things, you and my partner are very similar in the way you have handled the situation. Reaffirming your loving feelings and offering support.

    Personally, I think that I lost myself in motherhood…we got stuck in this routine and I think i checked out mentally from family life a long time ago. Even small things seemed unachievable to me. Everything felt like too much effort for too little reward, and I stopped trying. There was no joy in anything I was doing or planning, and no excitement about future plans or options. I began to hate this role, this life…and amongst all of that I acknowledged this thought that I had fallen out of love with my partner. I was incredibly lonely and have very few friends, let alone ones I would consider talking to about this kind of topic.

    I turned to the internet to fill that loneliness, chatting online frequently. One person in particular I seemed to click with right away. He lives almost as far away from me as you can get, and we’ve never met, but I have been having an emotional affair with him for months. The whole thing sucks. I feel guilt at home because I just can’t seem to engage in family life. I feel crazy for the way I feel about this person I’ve never even met in real life, and yet can’t seem to stop, don’t want to stop. I really feel like I love him, and not my partner. I too have this sense that I have broken something fundamental. That it can’t be fixed…and I doubt whether I want to fix it. I get lost in scrutinizing everything, feelings, past events, past decisions…I’ve really muddied the waters.

    Its like an identity crisis…I feel unhappy with where I am and I looked to the past for explanation. I found fault with so many of my decisions, and managed to color my memories of how things were with the feelings I am currently experiencing. I feel like I have to DO something and figure myself out, and it feels as if to do that I have to reject and break away from the things in my past…and possibly because this link with my partner is part of that…I want that broken too.

    I’m sorry, I don’t think this really adds anything to the conversation. Its as I said; The similarities were just too much for me not to reply…and as I am still in it, i can offer nothing conclusive. I am paralyzed by self-doubt. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I just want to leave. I look at what my behavior puts my partner and my kids through and feel that they would be so much better off without me.

    Also wanted to add that I agree with Anita’s post about responsibility.

    #95747
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Stone: I would like to communicate with you about your predicament. If you are interested, can you copy your post above (will remain here for the OP to respond, I hope) and paste into a new thread? If so, click FORUMS, get the CATEGORY page,click a category (Emotional Mastery, Tough TImes…) Get that category page and go all the way down the page.

    anita

    #95820
    stone
    Participant

    *Anita: I have tried twice but I can’t see that the new post I made has worked…

    #95828
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Stone;

    Would you like me to try and do it for you?

    anita

    #97203
    Mj
    Participant

    Hi Jeff. I’m new on here and I just came across your thread. I too am going through the same thing. My husband of 12 years told me he loves me but isn’t in love with me anymore. He told me that he doesn’t get the butterflies with me anymore. He was out late after work the other night and spent that time talking to a girl that he found interesting. HEARTBREAKING! We are best friends and are always completly honest with each other. He didn’t do anything with this girl but talk. I guess she gave him a little attention and that gave him butterflies. I explained that that is completly normal and has happened to me but you don’t act on it. He told me that both of us are not happy and life is too short to live unhappy. At the time he told me this, my brain went into shock and honestly couldn’t think clear. I kept telling myself that we are happy. I am a stay at home mom of two kids, 11 and 13. I was scared thinking that we are going to get a divorce and I have no job, 2 kids, no college degree, and I’m almost 40. Both my husband and I had a long talk and we both want to be happy and to be happy with each other. We honestly have the perfect little family and are all very close. He told me that I was more like a roommate and not a wife. We immediately called to get counselling bc we owe it to ourselves and our children to try. I have done some major soul searching this past week. I realize that everything he said was completly true. I have been so caught up in caring for my kids and my house and having all this tremendous responsibility that I have completly lost myself. I have been going through the motions of life but no really living. This was the biggest eye opener to me. I have realized that I have been wound up so tight. I have been bitter and angry. I have put myself on hold to raise our kids. We are going to counselling now bc we both love each other and really want to make it work. In the mean time, I am putting a lot of effort now in making time with my husband, showing way more affection, and trying to not be so uptight and have fun. Before kids, I was never uptight and my main goal in life was to have fun. I am not just blaming myself but all I can do is improve myself, and if it doesn’t work out, know that it will be okay. Now in an hour I might not feel so confident and will probably be in tears. But I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and in the end, everything will be okay.

    #97225
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Mj:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are doing all the right things and hope it works out. Please do post anytime, sharing your feelings when sad and when hopeful!

    anita

    #99073
    jessforme
    Participant

    Hi. I also created my account simply because I felt like your description of your wife is a description of myself. Maybe after reading all this, she is nothing like me. I don’t know if this will help. So me personally, I want to love my husband, be in love with him. There are so many things right about him. He could probably have anyone he wants. I don’t think less of myself because of that but think he deserves more because I know he is getting the crappy version of myself and I can’t seem to turn it off. We married young, 19 & 23. I was in love. Wish I would have saw the world first. Now we say we’ll see it together. However when I envisioned it back then, it was alone, as an independent, strong, and thriving girl becoming a woman (cliché but so life giving as a thought), not having to answer or consider anyone else. I did the opposite.
    THE PAST:
    The kids have become our focus (3yr old and 9yr old); we barely have time to keep up with the day’s demands. If I had to pick a life event that impacted us negatively, I would say his job. Six years or so ago, he was a supervisor, moving up pretty fast but then he and a female were inappropriate at work. He was fired and it turned into a legal thing we had to fight. He was on unemployment for awhile. I stood by. We had our daughter. Around the same time, I had gotten great job and found Zumba as a passion, lost weight looked great and unfortunately responded to the first co-worker that hit on me. I know. Where was my self-esteem? Anyway, this was not his first offense, just his first one at work. I think honestly I hang on to wishing I was smart enough to dump him the first time he messed up, before we married but here we are now, 12yrs and two kids in. We’ve gone to boot camp and learn we have to forgive over and over, even for an old offense that we remember. We decided to heal and go forward. The real reason I bring up his job is because since he was fired he had to look for another right? Well he got a job at a dealership.
    FAST FORWARD TO NOW:
    It requires a lot more hours. At first I was bothered that our Saturday’s together were gone, he’d be coming home late and at unpredictable hours. I was also super stressed that future paychecks were unpredictable (commission). I told him how much I hated it. This went on for a while. He still works there. He wants to stay and I can see how. Reasons not listed. However, a lot of nights I don’t know when he is coming home. Sometimes, he tends to revert back to late hours for the deal, for the bread. We talked about this a while back and he has worked on even handing a deal to someone else just so he can be home. I take the kids to their games on Saturdays and he tries his best to make it, which he does most of the time. I get it. He wants to feel like he is doing his part and providing. I miss our Saturdays a lot. After the change in his job, I remember taking my kids to eat on a Saturday and seeing a couple with each other sitting and talking, seemingly without care. I teared up on the spot. Seeing that broke my heart. Because he screwed up and we all had to suffer. I treasured our Saturdays so much. I talked to him about that to. Now he at least tried to make it to our kid’s games. We also make the best out of our Sundays. I am telling you he is great despite the past. Anyway, all his working has become something else I have just come to be ok with. I told him and myself I would just numb myself to it. He brought home good money and we stuck it out. Now I am to the point where I somewhat prefer it, accepted it. I don’t feel it bothers me now. Or do I?
    AVOIDING FAMILY:
    We live maybe 7 minutes away from my father and mother with my live in sister and her kids. It is family I rather avoid than be around these days. We use to be there all the time and all having a great time. My parents use to be part of our couple’s date. Not anymore. My dad had a stroke a couple years back, things have been tougher all around since. My sister has repeat drama. Maybe we never adapted. IMO my mom is trying to save everyone and is taking care of too many grandkids (says she loves it). She takes care of my 3yr old while I am at work. I think she is stressed out and has turned somewhat negative and dominating in most conversations when we do sit and talk. Now I just associate them with drama and stress even on days it is not. I pick up my kid and get going in the nicest way I can. His side of the fam? We’ve visited his family in Honduras and I can go for a quick minute but I am usually ready to go right back home. And something he and no one else knows that…I would never consider an extended stay or move to Honduras if circumstances required it. I feel so bad for that and I feel like it is a huge secret. It makes me feel like I don’t love him as much as love should love. Also I could never have sex again and I would be fine with that. Sometimes I have to because it is like working out….you’re glad you did it once you did it. SMH.
    ALL-IN-ALL:
    Honestly, we have a really great family and an unconditional support system from our extended family. From the outside, things are awesome. Our Sundays together (kids, hubby & I) are pretty great! So mom and dad are doing great but husband and wife…not so much. And if you made it this far, thanks for caring. I am looking for advice.
    I committed to us and have stuck it out repeatedly. I have felt proud and happy with the decision at times. I want to see that man as my old man in a wheel chair next to me. I want my kids to be proud of us and to be an example but I have several conflicting emotions as you can see. And I don’t know what is right or wrong. And I don’t want to break my children’s hearts.

    #99085
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jessforme:

    You wrote that your husband is getting a crappy version of yourself… but you are the woman who stood by him when he had a sexually inappropriate interactions with a co worker, fired for it, got in some legal trouble as a result, was on unemployment… you stood by him. Even though it was not the only time he was unfaithful to you, you stood by him. You work and bring in money. You attended a marriage boot camp with him… this is not a crappy version of a wife.

    And this un-crappy version of a wife is not a perfect one: you had some sort of an affair with a man following getting into zumba and losing weight.

    You don’t like your husband’s current job (irregular hours, no Saturdays, commission only). Your extended family is not a source of support like it used to be. Your father having had a stroke a couple of years ago and your mother is stressed, negative and dominating in conversations. You don’t like his family in Honduras and feel guilty about it. Having sex with your husband has become a chore and you are relieved when it is done.

    You certainly have done your best and are trying so very hard to hold on to a positive attitude and to put your children first. I do very much respect you for that!

    You wrote that you are looking for advice. Now that I carefully read your post, please feel free, if you’d like, to specify the advice or input that you are looking for.

    As for now, from my reading, you are doing pretty well, but there definitely should be some improvements in your life. I would say, the easy topic is his family in Honduras: I think your guilty feelings about not liking them should be thrown out (if you could) because feelings are automatic. We don’t choose how we feel, so there really shouldn’t be guilt for what we feel… and that includes your feeling about sex with him being a chore. No guilt for feelings, please. Also pretty easy: good idea to keep your distance from your sister and her drama and from anyone who drains you.

    Please post again, specifying the input you would like…?

    anita

    #99210
    Kush
    Participant

    Dear Jeff,

    Reading about your situation made me compelled to write here. I can relate to situation very closely as I went through something similar, although it was with my ex Gf .

    My Gf broke up with me a month ago saying that she doesn’t love me the way she used to. Few months ago she said exactly the same words that she felt like we were living like roommates, not lovers. And I did very similar to what you are doing. Talked to her alot, tried to understand her, and gave everything to save the relationship ( new ideas, new ways).

    She was also been developing a much stronger relationship with other guys that she met after her trip to Europe. It made me insecure and I remember the gut feeling something fundamentally isn’t right for months where she was being distant and strange and all my attempts were failing. I felt in my gut that she would leave me. Exactly the way you said about your wife, she would strangely act normal and kind to me as well.

    I remember it very well, that gut feeling for weeks. And then she left me.

    I am in tears writing this and I wish I am wrong, but I am very sorry to say that please prepare for the worse, mentally and emotionally. Please start telling this to your close friends and family and prepare your support network.

    I am still going through grief period.

    I wish good luck for you and I hope I am wrong. Stay strong brother.

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