If unable or wife unwilling to go to counseling, or cant afford it, please go to library and get this book:
” Hold Me Tight” author is Dr. Sue Johnson. Very insightful and talks of how to together to have more open communication and open doors for a lifetime of love.
My intuition is that there is someone or something else in her life. I have felt like that before, it was true and the disappearance of taking a drive alone, after the closeness of that date makes me wonder. If she suddenly needs to leave out of town for traveling for her work, red flags would be going up in my head. Do you get a paper bill for cellphone usage? If so, check the phone numbers at the time she left that evening. and you may see something or not during that alone time of driving.
I wouldn’t discount the physical menopause or depression scenario. But, the changes with you, her son and her family members, appears to be secretive and not wanting to be near them, so nothing emotional spills out of her mouth. I have been there and thought I was very clever in concealment, but it eventually gets discovered.
As men always used to say, even if caught in the act…..Deny, deny, deny”. I sincerely hope this isn’t the case, but with a small child involved, wouldn’t want you to be blindsided or the child suffer the distantness that may be occurring, because she might be obsessed with the “What If” of a new situation, and depressions over loss of what might have been in her carefree days before. I am an investigator by trade, so my cynicism sometimes makes my life easier when searching for the truth. Keeping your head in the sand just makes it easier for her, if something is up. If nothing is up, then counseling and your efforts to make things right, like date night, etc are good to repair the relationship that seems to be leaving her melancholy.

Jeff sorry your going thru this emotional pain I recently have a similar situation after 7 year relationship.
No more on off one foot in one foot out is what it sounds like.
I stopped trying to figure my partner out I let go with Love and focus totally on my life, in counseling, learning Unattachment by Buddha studies & wish her to be happy.
On the surface when one just turns on their loved ones like this I find it to be very immature. They’re not being open honest, up front They’re Not Being Accountable!!! & maybe not capable but ” They need to be responsible for their actions” & see how they effect other peoples lives & you need to focus on your life & your sons life. Counseling is good as a couple & if she doesn’t want to go best you go alone & work your way to a Happier Life for you & your son.

I wish you both find your path to happiness especially for your son.
Ps when family notices I say “It so much better for me this way” we were on separate paths

Wishing you peace & happiness

Reading your post was the reason I created an account.

It is so scarily similar to what has been going on with me. The way your wife appears to feel about her life, and her relationship with you and your child…seems to be a mirror of what I have been living. Except I am in her position and not yours. All the things you said that she has told you, her behaviors, others noticing a change…it was like reading about myself.

I have been with my partner since we were teenagers (16). He is the only guy I have ever been with. We have two young kids. The last 12-18months have been an incredibly trying time for me personally, and from the sounds of things, you and my partner are very similar in the way you have handled the situation. Reaffirming your loving feelings and offering support.

Personally, I think that I lost myself in motherhood…we got stuck in this routine and I think i checked out mentally from family life a long time ago. Even small things seemed unachievable to me. Everything felt like too much effort for too little reward, and I stopped trying. There was no joy in anything I was doing or planning, and no excitement about future plans or options. I began to hate this role, this life…and amongst all of that I acknowledged this thought that I had fallen out of love with my partner. I was incredibly lonely and have very few friends, let alone ones I would consider talking to about this kind of topic.

I turned to the internet to fill that loneliness, chatting online frequently. One person in particular I seemed to click with right away. He lives almost as far away from me as you can get, and we’ve never met, but I have been having an emotional affair with him for months. The whole thing sucks. I feel guilt at home because I just can’t seem to engage in family life. I feel crazy for the way I feel about this person I’ve never even met in real life, and yet can’t seem to stop, don’t want to stop. I really feel like I love him, and not my partner. I too have this sense that I have broken something fundamental. That it can’t be fixed…and I doubt whether I want to fix it. I get lost in scrutinizing everything, feelings, past events, past decisions…I’ve really muddied the waters.

Its like an identity crisis…I feel unhappy with where I am and I looked to the past for explanation. I found fault with so many of my decisions, and managed to color my memories of how things were with the feelings I am currently experiencing. I feel like I have to DO something and figure myself out, and it feels as if to do that I have to reject and break away from the things in my past…and possibly because this link with my partner is part of that…I want that broken too.

I’m sorry, I don’t think this really adds anything to the conversation. Its as I said; The similarities were just too much for me not to reply…and as I am still in it, i can offer nothing conclusive. I am paralyzed by self-doubt. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I just want to leave. I look at what my behavior puts my partner and my kids through and feel that they would be so much better off without me.

Also wanted to add that I agree with Anita’s post about responsibility.

*Anita: I have tried twice but I can’t see that the new post I made has worked…

Hi Jeff. I’m new on here and I just came across your thread. I too am going through the same thing. My husband of 12 years told me he loves me but isn’t in love with me anymore. He told me that he doesn’t get the butterflies with me anymore. He was out late after work the other night and spent that time talking to a girl that he found interesting. HEARTBREAKING! We are best friends and are always completly honest with each other. He didn’t do anything with this girl but talk. I guess she gave him a little attention and that gave him butterflies. I explained that that is completly normal and has happened to me but you don’t act on it. He told me that both of us are not happy and life is too short to live unhappy. At the time he told me this, my brain went into shock and honestly couldn’t think clear. I kept telling myself that we are happy. I am a stay at home mom of two kids, 11 and 13. I was scared thinking that we are going to get a divorce and I have no job, 2 kids, no college degree, and I’m almost 40. Both my husband and I had a long talk and we both want to be happy and to be happy with each other. We honestly have the perfect little family and are all very close. He told me that I was more like a roommate and not a wife. We immediately called to get counselling bc we owe it to ourselves and our children to try. I have done some major soul searching this past week. I realize that everything he said was completly true. I have been so caught up in caring for my kids and my house and having all this tremendous responsibility that I have completly lost myself. I have been going through the motions of life but no really living. This was the biggest eye opener to me. I have realized that I have been wound up so tight. I have been bitter and angry. I have put myself on hold to raise our kids. We are going to counselling now bc we both love each other and really want to make it work. In the mean time, I am putting a lot of effort now in making time with my husband, showing way more affection, and trying to not be so uptight and have fun. Before kids, I was never uptight and my main goal in life was to have fun. I am not just blaming myself but all I can do is improve myself, and if it doesn’t work out, know that it will be okay. Now in an hour I might not feel so confident and will probably be in tears. But I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and in the end, everything will be okay.

Hi. I also created my account simply because I felt like your description of your wife is a description of myself. Maybe after reading all this, she is nothing like me. I don’t know if this will help. So me personally, I want to love my husband, be in love with him. There are so many things right about him. He could probably have anyone he wants. I don’t think less of myself because of that but think he deserves more because I know he is getting the crappy version of myself and I can’t seem to turn it off. We married young, 19 & 23. I was in love. Wish I would have saw the world first. Now we say we’ll see it together. However when I envisioned it back then, it was alone, as an independent, strong, and thriving girl becoming a woman (cliché but so life giving as a thought), not having to answer or consider anyone else. I did the opposite.
THE PAST:
The kids have become our focus (3yr old and 9yr old); we barely have time to keep up with the day’s demands. If I had to pick a life event that impacted us negatively, I would say his job. Six years or so ago, he was a supervisor, moving up pretty fast but then he and a female were inappropriate at work. He was fired and it turned into a legal thing we had to fight. He was on unemployment for awhile. I stood by. We had our daughter. Around the same time, I had gotten great job and found Zumba as a passion, lost weight looked great and unfortunately responded to the first co-worker that hit on me. I know. Where was my self-esteem? Anyway, this was not his first offense, just his first one at work. I think honestly I hang on to wishing I was smart enough to dump him the first time he messed up, before we married but here we are now, 12yrs and two kids in. We’ve gone to boot camp and learn we have to forgive over and over, even for an old offense that we remember. We decided to heal and go forward. The real reason I bring up his job is because since he was fired he had to look for another right? Well he got a job at a dealership.
FAST FORWARD TO NOW:
It requires a lot more hours. At first I was bothered that our Saturday’s together were gone, he’d be coming home late and at unpredictable hours. I was also super stressed that future paychecks were unpredictable (commission). I told him how much I hated it. This went on for a while. He still works there. He wants to stay and I can see how. Reasons not listed. However, a lot of nights I don’t know when he is coming home. Sometimes, he tends to revert back to late hours for the deal, for the bread. We talked about this a while back and he has worked on even handing a deal to someone else just so he can be home. I take the kids to their games on Saturdays and he tries his best to make it, which he does most of the time. I get it. He wants to feel like he is doing his part and providing. I miss our Saturdays a lot. After the change in his job, I remember taking my kids to eat on a Saturday and seeing a couple with each other sitting and talking, seemingly without care. I teared up on the spot. Seeing that broke my heart. Because he screwed up and we all had to suffer. I treasured our Saturdays so much. I talked to him about that to. Now he at least tried to make it to our kid’s games. We also make the best out of our Sundays. I am telling you he is great despite the past. Anyway, all his working has become something else I have just come to be ok with. I told him and myself I would just numb myself to it. He brought home good money and we stuck it out. Now I am to the point where I somewhat prefer it, accepted it. I don’t feel it bothers me now. Or do I?
AVOIDING FAMILY:
We live maybe 7 minutes away from my father and mother with my live in sister and her kids. It is family I rather avoid than be around these days. We use to be there all the time and all having a great time. My parents use to be part of our couple’s date. Not anymore. My dad had a stroke a couple years back, things have been tougher all around since. My sister has repeat drama. Maybe we never adapted. IMO my mom is trying to save everyone and is taking care of too many grandkids (says she loves it). She takes care of my 3yr old while I am at work. I think she is stressed out and has turned somewhat negative and dominating in most conversations when we do sit and talk. Now I just associate them with drama and stress even on days it is not. I pick up my kid and get going in the nicest way I can. His side of the fam? We’ve visited his family in Honduras and I can go for a quick minute but I am usually ready to go right back home. And something he and no one else knows that…I would never consider an extended stay or move to Honduras if circumstances required it. I feel so bad for that and I feel like it is a huge secret. It makes me feel like I don’t love him as much as love should love. Also I could never have sex again and I would be fine with that. Sometimes I have to because it is like working out….you’re glad you did it once you did it. SMH.
ALL-IN-ALL:
Honestly, we have a really great family and an unconditional support system from our extended family. From the outside, things are awesome. Our Sundays together (kids, hubby & I) are pretty great! So mom and dad are doing great but husband and wife…not so much. And if you made it this far, thanks for caring. I am looking for advice.
I committed to us and have stuck it out repeatedly. I have felt proud and happy with the decision at times. I want to see that man as my old man in a wheel chair next to me. I want my kids to be proud of us and to be an example but I have several conflicting emotions as you can see. And I don’t know what is right or wrong. And I don’t want to break my children’s hearts.

Dear Jeff,

Reading about your situation made me compelled to write here. I can relate to situation very closely as I went through something similar, although it was with my ex Gf .

My Gf broke up with me a month ago saying that she doesn’t love me the way she used to. Few months ago she said exactly the same words that she felt like we were living like roommates, not lovers. And I did very similar to what you are doing. Talked to her alot, tried to understand her, and gave everything to save the relationship ( new ideas, new ways).

She was also been developing a much stronger relationship with other guys that she met after her trip to Europe. It made me insecure and I remember the gut feeling something fundamentally isn’t right for months where she was being distant and strange and all my attempts were failing. I felt in my gut that she would leave me. Exactly the way you said about your wife, she would strangely act normal and kind to me as well.

I remember it very well, that gut feeling for weeks. And then she left me.

I am in tears writing this and I wish I am wrong, but I am very sorry to say that please prepare for the worse, mentally and emotionally. Please start telling this to your close friends and family and prepare your support network.

I am still going through grief period.

I wish good luck for you and I hope I am wrong. Stay strong brother.