Hi Anita,
It’s good to hear from you too! You phrased the authentic piece well. When I’m around him my demeanor changes. I’m not sure if my family notices, but I definitely do. Suddenly I can’t think of anything to say whereas before I didn’t even have to think. Words would flow. I fight my voice becoming lower and fight against trying to lower myself. Now I don’t do it as much as before since he has gotten better, but I’m still very hesitant around him. There have been times where all seems well and then he will just mutter something to me and I’m knocked over unexpectedly. I didn’t see it coming. It usually is determined whether he feels good or not so I find myself hoping he’s in a good mood. When he gets mad, sad, envious…he lashes out at people to try to make them lower so he can feel better. I have tried to overly be nice to him, irrationally thinking that if I’m so nice he will recognize his ways which didn’t work. He is so charming it can be sickening. He has told people in the past what he feels about them to their face and they still like him, he can be that good (and he knows it). So essentially he will say something messed up in a nice way. I felt crazy when he would do that. The more insecure he feels the more he will dig at that person. Since we are siblings and have opposite personalities (different strengths and weaknesses) if I behave more like myself it triggers in him one of his weaknesses and he will lash out. One of our biggest differences is that I internalize most things and the first thing I think of is that I did something wrong whereas he externalizes and thinks the other person did something wrong.

Hi Anita,
Thanks for the insight. To be honest, I don’t want to do either. I just want to be heard. I tried for a month arguing with him for everything. To him this was normal and didn’t deplete his energy. If anything, I think he gets something out of arguing. For me, I was exhausted and wasted valuable energy that I could be using for friends and other family members. I get that arguments are healthy, but with him it’s power play. I want to have a relationship with him, especially now that he’s more stabler, but there’s a part of me that, like I said, still is flinching inside, ready for the verbal punch.

Hi Anita,
Wow. That got me thinking. You’re right. I can’t have a close relationship with someone who I’m scared of. The relationship you’re describing sounds one-sided to an extent. Thanks for the insight.

Younger Brother Update:

I realize a big part of my psychological stagnation is because I have walked on egg shells around my brother for 10-15 years. Over the years I have built up this mentality of anticipating what I will say when he’s around, seeing if he is around or not… I’m tired of being the polite, quiet girl who tries to win people over with niceness. I’m tired of wasting brain cells over this. I want to live my life and be me. I know that if I can be myself around him and not allow his comments to affect me I can be myself around anyone. This is going to be hard because I have to go against a pattern that has been ingrained for 10-15 years. Advice is welcomed and encouraged! Has anyone dealt with either undoing a pattern that’s been set for years, people pleasing habits, or conflicting feelings about family? How did you deal with it and what have you used to make this work?