Thank you Anita and Emily for your thoughtful and kind comments. They definitely make me feel more sane. I definitely agree, with a lot of the points you’ve made.

I also think that it could a good match. Though I haven’t told him the extent of my circumstance. He says he is quite intuitive, and I’ve seen some evidence of it, so I’m pretty sure he can read between the lines. My analogy to him was that of some sticks: one on its own falls over if you try to stand it up, two together can prop each other up. My concern is are we strong enough to prop each other up? Even though I think I can love him back to happy, maybe I can’t or maybe he doesn’t want to (I’m not in love with him yet, but the sentiment is growing). Maybe we’re like kindling that will just blow away in a spring breeze.

I’ve also thought about joining in with his therapist–though it seemed too soon to broach that one! We did agree that eventually we should do couples therapy because I think it’s a good check in for a relationship. He’ll go again tomorrow-who knows what will transpire?! He did tell the therapist about us and explained the first date and the 6 hour convo. He said she said it’s a good thing to go out with me/ give it a go. We’ll see what happens next week. I don’t know if she’s good–I think she is because he’s comfortable with her and he’s been seeing her for over a year. So, hopefully yes. I know I saw someone about ten years ago and he was ooookay. I definitely would like to find someone on my own though. Maybe I’ll see about that in the next couple of days.

Though I know I can be mean to people (though loosing my temper, though it’s never been a common occurance) since 2008 I am proud to say that I have not said anything to anyone with the intention of being unkind. I try to do everything with love and kindness. It’s often not reciprocated or taken advantage of. That’s okay because I’m also trying to not have expectations of people. But at the same time, it can be quite hurtful. I take some time to recover and then go on my way again. I’m so used to people bailing on me when I’m trying my best to be kind and at the same time true to myself. I’m just bracing myself for impact. I don’t know if he will be different.

One other thing he said when we were at the church was that he would like a person who could accept him for despite his faults, I started crying again, and said she’s right here but you’re pushing her away. He acknowledged that in a very kind way. He was very kind and gentle with me the entire time. I’ve never been with someone who is abusive so I don’t know if this is the beginning of a pattern–yell and then be gentle. But he took ownership for his wrong, so that seems the right (non-abusive) thing to do.

This thing about having a kid seems to be a big deal for both of us. I don’t want to rush and have one without spending some alone years with my partner but I realize I’m fairly old and the possibility of it happening easily is getting lower. At the same time, he often takes care of his young niece who is quite the handful and that with the strained relationship with his sibling makes it tiring for him. So he goes on about that. I have enough energy for two people but I don’t want to be single parenting with a spouse who is distant. That would be me repeating an unhappy pattern. I know it’s been a tough period of year for him–the MDs told him there’s noting that can be done about his health issues (including some chest and muscular pains) and his mum’s death anniversary and this thing with me all happened at the same time. And, we tend to stay up quite late together. I’m also having some challenging issues with school and my funding. So of course it’s all quite emotional.

I really don’t know if I have my head on straight, but thanks for that comment Emily. It’s really hard for me to trust my judgement on what I’m doing in relationships. I’ve had some good relationships (romantic and otherwise) but many of them ended not so well (people can be surprising). Hence, the usefulness of the questions for me. I have a terribly difficult time discerning between intuition/gut feeling and hope or fear. Also, I like to help people and fix things so now I’m worried that I over think things. I definitely do tend to analyze and use more logic than emotion to figure things out. He says I’m a little like Data from Star Trek in that way. Always thinking no so good at feeling. I’m super emotional but so much is suppressed (repressed?) I don’t really understand the nuances very well.

Thank you for taking the time to ponder my worries.

Thanks for this EAR communication strategy Anita. There is definitely no lack of assertiveness on either of our parts. To me it is more like responding in empathetic, thoughtful, gentle ways. So, for example with this situation:
“when we were at the church was that he would like a person who could accept him for despite his faults, I started crying again, and said she’s right here but you’re pushing her away. He acknowledged that in a very kind way.”

The response he gave was verbal acknowledgment of his rough behaviour and apologizing and then giving a side hug (we were sitting beside each other) and trying to kiss me on the cheek, which I couldn’t accept. I was not quite settled and I don’t like people touching me when I’m not in a good place with them. Does this make sense?

That is one of my concerns, that I will become a mother to an adult man who is supposed to be my partner.

What suggestions do you have for discerning information from emotions? Getting to know them better?

Many thanks for your insight.

Brilliant analysis/insight Anita, you’re doing for me what I can’t do for myself here; thank you!

I also just read a piece written by comedian Whitney Cummings on her co-dependence and something from Mental Health America. I’d heard about this but wasn’t quite sure what it was–like her I thought it meant just being in bad relationships. Anyway, I’m happy to say this is not the case with me. Though, I’m not sure about him. Another question for him, if we return to that point.

He and I are both trying to be quite honest in our communication with each other. And we’re coming to realize, that it’s not normal for either of us (especially me) to share quite so much. The thing that happened after supper on Sunday where he just kept confessing, getting off his chest all these problems of his I think was a result of that. I am complicit in so far as that I don’t tell him to stop talking, or I don’t ignore him, and that I do engage in the convo–maybe giving some comments, I can’t fully remember at this point. But, I don’t start any of them. When we talked Monday, he was frustrated by all the serious talking. When I pointed out that he initiated he more or less said he didn’t know why but he (I’m paraphrasing here) felt compelled to divulge and that this was not something normal for him. And the extreme divulging caused him anxiety (again paraphrasing) but again, he couldn’t help himself.

I just let him talk for a couple of reasons. Also, when we’re cuddling and talking (we have done this quite a bit) usually if one of us starts babbling about something or getting into serious territory the other will kiss them. It’s a good way to shift. Once he began venting some frustration about I can’t remember what (maybe something family related) I did the kiss and he said “can I talk” so I backed off. I would say a part of me didn’t want him to feel ignored (as I would have in a similar situation, depending on the topic).I felt like maybe he wants me to know things and if that’s important to him, then I accept that.

Re your statement on deserving an honest partner who takes responsibility for his feelings, doesn’t blame me, or expect me to fix him. I think is is that. He hasn’t blamed me for anything, he’s doing a lot of work with himself and his therapist to fix himself, and his anger hasn’t been targeted at me, it’s about all the other stuff and hang ups about peoples’ past behavior toward him. Once toward the end of Sunday when he was upset because he said I didn’t respect him. I was shocked at this and said, probably not so sweetly, I’ do! He elaborated that because I didn’t ask him if he had stuff to do Sunday when I ended up lounging around there. I apologized, said I do respect him, and I didn’t even think about it because I was enjoying being with him and that I’ve told him several times to kick me out if he has stuff to do & I won’t feel bad about it. Moreover, after supper it was his idea that I would return to his place to do some work. Which I ended up not doing because we napped and then after went into these intense discussions. He felt that I was inconsistent because I didn’t get my stuff done. Later when we were talking more calmly I confessed my extreme anxiety over that particular project I’m working on. And that one of my mechanisms for coping with anxiety is avoidance.

Thanks for paying attention to all of this. I really appreciate the feedback.