Dear Masood Khan:

I am glad you posted. As I read your post I was thinking: you must be happy with your friends and are wondering how other people can move away from the friends they are happy with. But then I read that you don’t want to depend on your friends to be happy because your dependency on them causes you “to be depressed and lonely”-

So having your friends bring you depression and loneliness.

Is it that when you are with your friends you are happy until you are alone and then you are depressed and lonely again?

Or are you depressed and lonely when you are with your friends?

Please post again. I would like to reply again…

anita

Dear Masood Khan:

You may need good psychotherapy so to take you back in time to when you were a child, alone and afraid. With a good psychotherapist, one you learn to trust, one who will show you empathy, you will visit the past to see what happened to the child that you were, why was he alone? Where were his parents? Why didn’t anyone noticed you were so alone and afraid?

I am not a psychotherapist and even if I was this cannot be a place for therapy. It needs to be in person with a real person.

We can “talk” here more about therapy… and you can share with me, us, if you would like about your childhood… but notice: if it distresses you to share about your childhood, please do not. You need to be comfortable enough to share, and if you are, please do. We can communicate back and forth, again and again for as long as you need to.

Awaiting your reply and will answer again… and again…as many times as you post.

anita

Dear Masood Khan:

There is a strong connection between your childhood and the fact that you are so lonely when you are not in the physical company of others. This is why I asked about your childhood.

You want a simple answer for a question like: How can I be happy without people? I have nothing, no simple answer. Maybe someone else will.

What I have is a question: tell me, if it is okay with you, about your childhood. If you do, then I will have more questions.

With you understanding … yourself, you will be able, over time, to find comfort, calm inside yourself so that when you are alone you will feel okay.

Now, you can wait for a simple answer if one might be posted here or you can answer my question, if you are comfortable doing so.

I will reply every time you post to me.

anita

Dear Masood Khan:

Maybe your friends can do that because they were not very lonely when they were young children, but you were very lonely when you were a child. Maybe there was something they had in their home, with their mother or father that you did not have.

You wrote that your parents were overprotective of you. What did they try to protect you from?

anita

Dear Masood Khan:
I read your post and felt that even if I don’t have the answer for you I can share my thoughts as I too have felt the same way. The first thing I want to say is try not to be so hard on yourself. Be proud that you are acknowledging that there is something you are unhappy with and wanting to change…that takes a lot of courage.
Try changing your perspective and not view your concerns as negative. Instead, look at it as simply an area you would like to adjust. You enjoy spending time with your friends, it makes you feel happy. These are positive things you should celebrate! I love being with my friends too, brings me a lot of joy. We are lucky to know people we want to share our time with. Now that you can see the positive, you can make adjustments i.e. keeping this happy feeling when you are alone. Becoming happy alone takes time and happens in small steps. Having your own hobbies, as you mentioned, is very beneficial and it’s important to keep doing that. When you are not with your friends try not to focus on being sad because you are not with them. Remind yourself that your time is valuable and alone time can be very enjoyable and valuable. Find things that make you smile…play your favorite music, read a good book, watch a movie, cook something new. I try to find creative outlets like crafts and painting. Push yourself to do these things even of it feels forced because soon enough you will notice you are actually looking forward to this alone time. If you notice the sad feelings creeping back when you are not with your friends, remind yourself that they are still in your life, recall a happy time with them and look forward to your next visit. I believe this will help your independency to grow. Remember, alone time doesn’t mean that you are actually alone; your friends are still there. It’s perfectly normal to have a support system to lean on….it’s a great feeling knowing you have someone to depend on. But now you just need to work on depending on yourself as well, not instead. Don’t think you need to choose…you can have both.
As for moving away to another place, that is a huge decision. And I think you should look at your reasoning closely. Do you really want to move to another place or is it your belief that others would be able to do it and you couldn’t. That thought would cause distress within many. And many chose not to move away for the fact they would not know anyone and don’t want to be alone. Who says that that is a problem that needs to be fixed? Why would you want to be away from friends and family, I wouldn’t. When I did work abroad I made sure that I had a group to go with. And that’s ok. Not everyone is the same. We all have our own personalities. But ask yourself this…before you would move anyway would you do research on the area. Yes, of course. Do you think you might be a little more willing to consider moving if things such as: a job in order to have income, living accommodations, nearby activities and social scenes were figured out? I’m willing to bet, that having things like these arranged would give you that courage to consider moving to a new place.
But overall, the one thing I would suggest is not to be so hard on yourself. These things you see as problems don’t necessarily have to be negative things. There are millions of people who prefer to be in the company of others and who would never move to a new place alone. Allow yourself to be who you are and learn how to accept your choices.