This is the sad story of losing the one I love for the second time. I met him years ago when I was travelling, we had 3 days were we came very close in an emotional way (no sex) and we fell in love. We stayed in touch for years, each in their own lifes in different countries, shared stories, phone calls and secrets with each other and the hope that one day we will meet again, which happened 10 years later when I went to a friends wedding very nearby where he was living. We talked about meeting before but we were both in relationships and therefor never really pursued it, but we loved to dream about it together.
When İ saw hım again, it happened, all the expectations of how I would feel became true. I fell for him and he fell for me. I was living in another country and he had just recovered from a long term relationship that only came to an end because she had left the country. He was afraid of giving it a go especially over distance but we gave it try. I soon decided to move to be together with him but I got caught up in finding it hard to settle in and trying to get financially stable. The way he was leading his life meant that he was financially not very well set up (it was a choice of doing what makes him happy with little money, acting versus being miserable in an office), even though he warned me from the start that he can not contribute financially as much as he wanted to, I felt he should have supported me more and got resentful. The more I ended up working and finding it hard to settle in the more I grew resentful towards him. As my best friend for years and someone that I like to call my soulmate (if something like that ever exists) he did really try to show me his love and teach me to also let go of my job that I hated and devote my energy to acting. Before I got there, he left me a year into living together. He told me whatever he had to offer he felt like I didn’t want it, that he never wanted to see this resentful look in my eyes. I knew in the days before the first break up that I had crossed a line and started to reject not only my partner but my best friend. When he left I was devastated, I went from begging to bargaining to eventually having to cut him out of my life for a while because he started dating another girl that he had a little thing with before him and I got serious. Long story short, we went through a 10 month absolutely horrifying break up, where I couldn’t let go and spent most of my time trying to do the right thing to get him back. As I almost had given up and started dating (not seriously) and had slept with men that then became my friends, the very occassional ‘let’s hang out’ became a him opening up to the possibility of rekindling.
We started to date again with having to understand that I wanted him back so badly whilst he was trying to move on for good, me wanting to keep my friendships even though they were men I slept with and we started off badly. It soon led to me being resentful again and defending the life and friend circle I’ve build up when we were separated. Even though after a while of him trying to make me understand that he needs more reassurance that he only wants me to understand that it is hard to take in that I fight for being friends with those guys (they are part of my impro company now) I kept resentful. The pain of wanting him for so long and then being judged how I coped with the break up, made me go down exactly the same path again that I went the first time around. I woke up in between and spent weeks trying to prove him that I can change and channel my hurt differently or at least communicate openly about it. By the time I started working on myself he was off on a tour where he happened to develop feelings for a colleague actress and they kissed.
For a few weeks after he came back from the tour I did still do my best to show him I understand and have changed and then he confessed to me that he kissed somebody else and that he is entirely sorry and doesn’t want to lose me. I was shocked but I did not want to lose him over this and understood that I am partly responsible for him looking for affection from somewhere else. But I started to grow resentful again then instead of him doing everything to make things right between us he was focused on the many fights he had with his friends (part of the theater company) that judged him severely for getting involved with a colleague, especially being in a relationship. When he came out on the other side and I stuck to him he woke up and started to be the best boyfriend one can possibly imagine, meanwhile I had started to feel out of love and I told him but I also told him I don’t want to give up, cause I know I love him so much and that I have all the mad in love feelings inside me for him, I just can’t find them. But I couldn’t find them for months now and I panicked and hated myself more and more for it whilst he slowly died emotionally by hanging in there. The more pressure I put on myself trying to find my way back into falling in love with him again the worse it got and so he left again and he told me yesterday how much he loved me and that the only solution, control in making things better is to walk away and hope that we can be friends that can stay in each others life and be an active part of it, that he can’t imagine me being out of his life completely, but that whatever he is offering as a partner doesn’t work with me and whatever he needs he is not receiving. He can’t see a solution and can never bring himself in the position again where he feels powerless to move, change anything, censoring his words to not upset me. He wants me as a friend because we are good at that. And yes, I do want him as a friend and I wish for it to be a time where this all makes sense and I am not so scared anymore but currently him saying that ‘this time it’s forever’ is breaking my heart. I know he doesn’t want to give me any hope, his only hope and determination is that we come out the other side and still have each other in some way. He is not angry and neither am I, a bit at myself, but currently I just need someone to give me some insight.
x