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Partner with depression…Do they have to go it alone?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • December 12, 2015 at 2:39 pm #89561
    Ann
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I were casually dating each other for a year and a half before we moved in together for the last 4 months.
    He has always struggled with depression, anxiety and not loving himself but i didn’t understand the extent of it until he had a recent breakdown. I found out he has being struggling with these feelings since a child (we are both 26) and he has been masking them by putting on a happy exterior and immersing himself in finding happiness outside of himself with me being one of those sources. He said he couldn’t do this anymore as he needs and wants to get healthy and he feels he needs to do this on his own. He says he can’t put 100% into his self healing while I am around and he doesn’t want to disappoint me or our relationship. The hard part is we both really don’t want to be apart and we miss each other but he feels this is the only way. We both hope the universe will allow us to be together again.

    I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want him to feel like he has to do this alone but I can’t ignore what he is saying. I am the only person in his life that knows about the extent of his depression. Im so confused as our relationship was fantastic and we have had so many great times and laughs together but he says that moments or times of happiness only lasts so long before he is pulled back down again. He is such an amazing, kindhearted human who is just struggling at the moment. Please help shed some clarity or what i should do…

    December 12, 2015 at 8:32 pm #89567
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Andrea:

    Your boyfriend can’t heal alone. His injuries were caused in the context of the relationship/s he had with his… significant other or others when he was a child, that is with one or both his parents. His healing has to be in the context of a relationship, be it a relationship with a skillful, insightful, trustworthy psychotherapist and/or with a partner, you. Only you have to be the right partner, treating him with Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect (EAR), showing him authentic acceptance of all he feels at anytime, giving him the privacy and space he needs and providing him the support he needs, being gentle with him, reliable, trustworthy, NOT as a therapist like, but as a girlfriend WHILE he treats you with EAR, authentic acceptance of you, gentleness and so forth.

    He may misunderstand the nature of healing, thinking he has to do it alone. Or it may be that you and his relationship with you is not conducive to healing. You may not be the right person for his healing.

    Talk to him when you are both relatively CALM. Ask him how he plans to self heal: psychotherapy (what kind?) Alone- HOW? (reading books, meditating… what?) and discuss if he can heal while in relationship with you- what would he need from you… different than it has been so far? What does he need from your relationship so he can work on his healing in the context of the relationship?

    Remember it has to be a two way street, not you the giver of healing and he the taker of healing. You must work together, Win-Win, for both of your healing- I am sure you have some healing to do as well?

    anita

    December 13, 2015 at 4:08 am #89577
    vizual
    Participant

    When someone gets cut, the best thing a doctor can do is put in stitches. The body still has to do all the healing on its own.

    He has his own journey he is on to find the happiness in himself again. The best you can do is to respect his wishes and be there for him when when he is ready. If you try to push yourself on him it will only drift you apart.

    December 13, 2015 at 3:40 pm #89661
    Ann
    Participant

    Thank you both for taking the time to respond, it means a lot. I think you are right and will take this all on board. He needs time right now and so do i. I think I’ve just been struggling with accepting this is how it has to be right now. It just hard to watch a love one in pain and the first instinct is to try everything in your power to help which can ultimately push them further away. He knows i am always there for him, so if he needs me he will ask. In the meantime, i will focus on me 🙂

    December 13, 2015 at 6:52 pm #89670
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome. Good attitude and plan, Andrea, says I. Post again.
    anita

    January 5, 2016 at 5:10 pm #91447
    jim
    Participant

    your boyfriend sounded just like me! I was in a relationship for ten years with this girl. I was nuts about her! But, I suffered from severe depression too! And I ended the relationship cause I thought, I needed to tend to my depression and was thinking the relationship was holding me back from getting better! Well, here I am 15 years later STILL suffering from severe depression! and wishing I had that girlfriend that I left 15 year ago cause she was such a great woman!! Depression is bad!!!!! it ruined more relationships for me! I just hope he didn’t make the same mistake I did! I think if I was was you I would support him on the depression issue. But, don’t force on trying to get back together just yet. just let him know your there for him. Then see what times beings? Good Luck!

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