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What to do?? (May contain triggers)

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  • December 7, 2015 at 11:14 am #89148
    Leish
    Participant

    Hi All!! Just hoping for a little advice. I’ll try to make this short. My bf has mental health problems and he has been under treatment for a couple of yrs. Let him come stay with me late Aug, because my sister opened a carry out restaurant, and he used to be a chef before his breakdown, so I thought this could work out great. Was a little leery of letting him stay with me, but he wouldn’t be able to work there otherwise. It’s right down the Rd from me and he could walk there (he was basically homeless, jobless, and car less.)I live in a very rural place and there are no buses.I thought this would be a good solution for him and my sister who needed an experienced person working there.

    Now we’re in dec, and I’m not so sure if this was the right thing, at least for me anyway. On the days he doesn’t have work, he will lay in bed all day and night. He’s gained 40 lbs in just months. Ive talked to him about this, but he gets defensive. Basically, I’m starting to feel depressed. I Work 3 jobs, and I have a child to take care of. He doesn’t really do anything “wrong” but something just feels “off” to me, and I’m finding myself wanting out of this more and more as time goes on. But, then I think I’m being selfish. If I give him the boot, he will be back to being homeless and jobless. And I’m afraid he will try to harm himself, again. 2 yrs ago he was in a mental health facility for trying to commit suicide. Can I live with that on my shoulders?

    I’m not sure what to do. I think maybe I chose this so I should just deal with it. He doesn’t talk to anyone but me, and occasionally his mom. Other than going to work 20 hrs/wk, he is basically a recluse. And even there we work together, so he really doesn’t deal with the public that much, I do that part.

    Help! do I throw him to the wolves so to say, for my own possible happiness. Or stay, to ensure his safety?? 🙁
    Thank you in advance for any help.

    December 7, 2015 at 6:17 pm #89183
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Leish:

    Are you and him boyfriend – girlfriend in practice? And is your child living with him and you in the same residence? Does he babysit or take care of your child (how old?) Is it a two room apartment? Is it possible for him to be only a roommate to you?

    In the rural area you live in, can he rent a room in someone’s house for very low rent and still work the 20 hours or so (his working for your sister is going well?)

    anita

    December 8, 2015 at 6:45 am #89223
    Leish
    Participant

    Hi Anita, think you for your reply. Yes we are bf and gf. We all live in the same residence. He doesn’t do any babysitting, my daughter is 11 and is pretty independent. My mom and sister live in town, so she goes to them if I’m not home. There is really no where to rent in town. My house is a 2 bedroom. He does okay at work, but really I’m the only one he can work with. The other employees don’t like working with him. He has a bit of a superiority complex when it comes to that place, and he tends to talk down to people. My sister doesn’t particularly like him, so if we break up, I really don’t think she would keep him on even if he was to find a place to live around there.

    I know he is a difficult person. And everyone looks at me like I’m the crazy one for taking this on. I thought I could handle it, and maybe I can. I don’t want him hurt. I understand his social anxiety, I have talked to his therapist about his conditions. It just seems tho, in the past year, all I’ve been doing is taking care of him and ignoring myself. And definitely in the last few months that he’s been staying with me, I can’t even find myself. Don’t do the same things I used to, I don’t take care of my health like I used to. I’ve taken on his depression, and I’m afraid of not finding my way out. I tend to absorb peoples moods and emotions, I just don’t know how to separate my emotions from his.

    December 8, 2015 at 8:16 am #89233
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Dear Leish,

    Thanks for sharing with us. This is a difficult situation you are in. I was in a similar relationship before for 3 years…the whole time I felt like I was giving in to his needs and he just constantly had a “dark cloud” over his head. It made me also feel depressed so much that I had to break-up with him because I couldn’t handle it.

    One thing that I’ve learned is that we can’t change another person. They have to change for themselves. I am wondering when was the last time you actually took care of yourself? Maybe a few months ago? Maybe start with that. Put yourself first again…eat good food…go for some walks or whatever you like doing (maybe with your daughter too, so you can have some daughter/mother time)…even see your own therapist. We can only take care of another person if we take care of ourselves first.

    You’re not responsible for his depression. He is responsible for it. I know it sounds harsh…but from what I’ve read, it sounds like you have done the best you can for him. Perhaps you can say “I have been thinking a lot lately and I feel that you need to see your therapist again. Otherwise, I don’t know how much longer I can keep you here.” Give him timelines and a goal…have something for him to strive towards…if that doesn’t help…give him some final “warnings” before you let him go.

    For the sake of yourself and your daughter, I think you need to think what’s best for you. That is not being selfish…that is honouring your own needs and respecting yourself.

    Take good care,
    Jennifer

    December 8, 2015 at 8:22 am #89234
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Leish:

    It is natural and I believe, unavoidable, to absorb others’ moods and emotions. This is why it is very important to avoid the company of those who drag you down- on a regular, ongoing basis- in any way. It is not your weakness that you “tend to absorb people’s moods and emotions” – everyone does, especially when the person LIVES with you!

    Your concern for your boyfriend is admirable. Unfortunately, your concern for your own health and your daughter’s should override your concern for him. Your job and responsibility is to promote your own, and your daughter’s well being first and foremost.

    It is sad but seems like you need him to move our of your house. End the intimate relationship. Your life and the life of your daughter should NOT be sacrificed… must not be a sacrifice for somebody else.

    It will be a very difficult conversation with him, hold his hand, tell him how concerned you are for him, tell him that you will work with him on solutions, where he should live, what he should do, on the practical issues, that you want him to be okay, even better than he is now. Tell him that you also need to take care of yourself and have him living elsewhere but that you are interested on making the changes that need to be done responsibly. That you know his issues enough.. to know how difficult life is for him. That you will help him with the transition.

    Give the message time to sink in him. Repeat several times, over some time. Then pay attention to what he does: is he manipulative? Does he show concern for you and for your daughter? Or are you concerned about his well being while he is not concerned with yours?

    Take it from there as things develop. If there is danger that he will kill himself in your house, I would have the first few conversations with him when your daughter is not in the house, maybe have her stay with your mother or sister for a week or two and visit her there while you talk to him and observe his behavior during this time.

    Post anytime with your thoughts and developments and I will respond.
    anita

    December 9, 2015 at 11:44 am #89308
    jock
    Participant

    Don’t be emotionally blackmailed by him.
    I think the current situation might be caused by you not being honest about yourself when communicating to him. “Listen I can’t stand this anymore. If you don’t get your act together soon, I’m going to ask you to leave.” have you said something like that yet?
    My feeling too is that you’ve fallen out of love with him long ago. This could be one of those “rescuer/victim” relationships, that doesn’t stand the test of time.
    Then learn something from this, before you enter another relationship.

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