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Negative Self Esteem Due to Porn in a Relationship

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  • November 4, 2015 at 1:27 pm #86747
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Obsidisan Zero:

    I share some of your feelings regarding pornography- it offends me. I wish it didn’t exist.

    Your feelings of anger at porn actresses is understandable, as well as your withdrawal around cheerleader types. Those feelings follow your belief that these women by physical comparison indicate your physical inadequacy. Feeling physically inadequate or less than is a very painful feeling, hurt feeling and naturally you want to fight against the enemy, those women who hurt you.

    Only it is not that simple. The porn actresses (and actors) wouldn’t be in business if it wasn’t for commercial demand, such as your ex boyfriend paying to see their … work.

    Then there is the OCD and anxiety, depression and problems with self esteem that you mentioned, all these before your experience with the porn-watching ex boyfriend. What this means to me, is that you felt HURT before the boyfriend. You felt less than before him and before porn. Those old hurt, less than and inadequacy feelings got all channeled into the porn thing and that is were they now reside, the hurt, the less than feelings. All the anger you feel is not just about the porn. It is about all the times you were hurt, slighted, treated as less than.

    So, somehow, if you agree with my understanding, you will need to address those early hurt experiences. This is not an easy process, especially if- as often is the case- it is a parent, someone you love, who hurt you repeatedly, who treated you as less-than, repeatedly.

    ???

    anita

    November 6, 2015 at 11:27 pm #86908
    Zach
    Participant

    From the little information given, it sounds like he has a porn addiction. However, from a casual porn user’s standpoint, I don’t project porn into my relationships and I actually look for girlfriend videos that show compassion.

    It sounds to me like there’s an inner confidence deal with yourself that extends beyond porn. I’m not going to let someone else make the decision for me to view it or not – that’s my decision. I don’t have any emotional investment to the girls I see online and they don’t have one toward me either.

    I like to pleasure myself, and if it’s not to porn, it’s going to be to images in my head. In relationships, those are usually my partner and I usually project the image of my partner into the porn, too. But if it’s not my partner, it is a fantasy of someone I know that I have zero intention of actually carrying out. That’s not cheating. I don’t expect my partner to constantly sexually satisfy me, so I take the rest of that weight. I am very loyal and if my partner doesn’t trust me, then that’s her problem.

    Nothing will replace the intimacy of sexual contact and if my partner and I agree that porn is substituting that then I would change it, like a good partner will.

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