Here is my story: I was with this guy for 4 years. We were always really happy, and I always knew he was the one. Because of work we have always spent a few months apart every year, and during a time in my life where I was going through a career change, a move, and he was gone, I realized that there were a few things about our relationship that were recurring problems. Everyone has them! I figured if we were taking steps toward marriage this was the time to bring up those big things and try to deal with them. I knew we were both being lazy with our relationship because it is often so easy because we are such easy tempered agreeable people.
When we returned to the same town, I brought these things up to him, and the reaction I got was tough for me to deal with. Our main issue is our personalities don’t yield well to good communication. I am a professor and a talker and there are ways I feel that I need to express myself, and I want my partner to talk to me, especially about important things. My partner has a lot of trouble speaking what he means, and he communicates better through actions. There were some points in our relationship where we had a fight because I would beg to talk about something or for him to acknowledge my feelings on an issue, or would beg to hear his opinion on something, and he would just stop speaking and I couldn’t get him to say a thing, let alone even comfort me. He just froze in those situations. I felt like since we had never really had huge issues, we needed to get over this communication problem before anything major happened so that we would be able to talk about it.
When I brought this up, what I thought would happen (in the fairy tale version in my head), is that he would apologize for making me feel alienated, or tell me why it was hard and offer advice on how to fix it, or at least say he would think about what to do, and that he wanted to fix it or something – but he said nothing about it for days. I thought he would be so scared to lose me that the reaction would be obvious and immediate. I tried to be patient, and with him I have really learned to be patient. But after days, the only thing I could get out of him was that he was upset that we weren’t having sex. I explained it didn’t feel right to be intimate for me until we had begun to work this out and it was natural for me to do such things. He understood, but I think that for some reason this clouded something for him, or made him worry about something that I don’t understand because he never would explain.
After a few weeks of this, I started to feel more and more distant from him. I began hanging out with other friends, some male, that talked to me in a way he hadn’t, and made me feel valued, like my concerns were legitimate. I started to imagine my life with people like them, and I wondered if this issue with my SO was something that I couldn’t leave unresolved, and I started to wonder if I could be happy with someone who could resolve it. These feelings and my frustration with my SO’s waiting and not speaking, lead me to ask my SO if we could begin to live apart, and maybe start from the beginning and date. I thought maybe this would make me sure whether it was him and only him no matter what, or whether those issues were things I simply couldn’t live with.
When I brought this up to my SO he got a bit angry, and he gave me an ultimatum. He said I was not handling our issues the right way, and that either we were living together and we would reset and forget about the whole thing, or we would have to break up for good. I think now maybe this was just a threat? But I felt so pushed down and disrespected by this that I had to choose break up. He took his things and left, and I moved in with some friends. We didn’t speak for a few weeks, and once we did again, my SO was still very angry that I turned his life upside down and “kicked him out”. I didn’t feel solely responsible for this, but I didn’t know what to do. I was so fed up and frustrated and hurt by the fact that I was so patient and gave him so much time and all I wanted to hear was that he would talk about it and try and fix things, and I didn’t.
At this point I may have made my mistake. I tried to move on. I began seeing someone who I had recently made friends with, someone who was also on a break with his ex, and we got into a purely physical relationship. We were friends and we talked. The company made me feel better. The bad part was when my SO found out. He was so angry, because he had apparently been under the impression that we were still working things out? I am not sure if he was just saying that or if he actually felt that way. He said some nasty things to me and we didn’t speak for a while. He began seeing two other girls. There was one night that I wanted it all to end so I ran over to his place and begged for another chance. He told me he liked being single and to go home.
This relationship of mine with other guy (OG) continued. He broke it off several times, and I did as well, because a relationship like that is hard to maintain and has fuzzy boundaries when you have feelings buzzing in your head. We were off and on, and then he moved and I thought it was over for good.
Days after he left I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I thought about all the times he had listened to me and asked about me and told me his feelings clearly and maturely, and how easy it was for us to make agreements. I thought I might have deeper feelings for him. I spoke to him on the phone and tried to play it cool, but it was him who revealed to me that he felt the same way, and couldn’t stop thinking about me. He knew my exSO wasn’t speaking to me, for weeks to months now. He asked me to come visit him. I didn’t even have to think about it.
When we were together in this new place, none of the associations from before were around, and we were in a clear environment. I guess this is where we accidentally fell into a more serious relationship. I could feel myself falling in love with him. I could tell he looked at me differently, and he introduced me to his friends, and we became, so they say, “a thing.” I felt really happy – talking to him was so cathartic – he let me be the expressive person that I am, and he challenged me, and he pushed me, and I think he made me a better person. We were good for each other, at least for this time in our lives that is sure. He completely broke things off with his ex. I thought I had too.
At the worst possible moment – Enter ex! My exSO calls, and says he realized that he was wrong and stupid not to try harder and explained everything and said he wanted more than anything to fix things. I was shocked. I didn’t feel like I could speak so I asked if I could call back tomorrow when my head was clear. I couldn’t think of any reason not to give him a chance, so I called back and said, yes, I wanted it to work, but I was cautious and I wanted to begin with trying to talk to and understand one another. He told me that he had sort of “changed his mind” and didn’t know if we could do it. I think he was afraid of being hurt. Or did he like being single? Or did he not want me? I don’t know.
I am at the point where I am getting in pretty deep with this new guy, and I have very strong feelings for him, but I don’t know if I will be able to get over my exSO the way we handled the breakup. We never resolved anything, and I know part of me is still in love with him, and he is still in love with me. All I can keep thinking is why didn’t he do this earlier? Now that I have such strong feelings for OG, it will be hard after half a year to rekindle and develop those feelings for my exSO, even though I always wanted things to work out. I know I shouldn’t have gotten involved with someone else, but I didn’t know this would happen, and at this point in my life, I am not sure if its even a good idea to try to fix things with my ex when I have strong feelings for someone else, and sort of messy and broken feelings for my ex. Still, I am sad when I think about the great future I had always dreamed with him – I wanted him to be the father of my children and go on great adventures with me, and we had it all a fairy tale in our heads. I don’t see that with OG right now – but then again things are new with him, and there isn’t as much history, so I shouldn’t expect to feel that way about him yet. What should I do? I don’t feel like its fair to either of them that I have feelings for both, but I also don’t think that means there is any reason that I should move on from both of them. How can I see if my feelings for my ex are worth developing and pursuing without hurting my current partner? (If it matters, no, we are not ‘official’ or what not, but we are sexually exclusive). I know my current partner wants me to do what I need to do to figure things out, but what is that?
I can’t jump back into a relationship with my ex like he wants me to (on occasion, because sometimes he says he doesn’t – he thinks its too much) – because my feelings just aren’t there. To make things short, I have a deep love for my ex but I am in love with this new guy. What do I do? I have never felt this way before.