Home→Forums→Tough Times→Its the 5th Year..!! NOBODY ELSE TO TALK TO..!! PLEASE READ AND HELP..!!
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PepperJill.
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October 6, 2015 at 10:53 pm #84886
annieParticipantthank you for clicking the link..! AM IN REAL NEED OF HELP.!!
i have always been a straight A student without much of an effort.but since 5 years am stuck at a place ,from where i see no way out.Here in my country you can study medicine directly after 12 grade after passing a very competitive exam.
most of students go for extra coachings besides school for acing that exam.My single mother managed to send me for those classes(they are quite expensive,but i was never serious so after 2 years of those classes,i gave the test and failed miserably. then again took coaching by dropping a year after high school,still failed.then my mother send me to another state to recieve yet another year of coaching(most expensive).where i managed to pass with good marks,but somehow the exam was cancelled due to alleged cheating by students and THE EXAM HAD TO BE RECONDUCTED in which i FAILED AGAIN.i feel cheated.Now am at home 3 years out of high school,not having even entered any college premises while my peers who were far less intelligent than me enjoying ther lives.
while here i am living dreadfully.
i guess i am even depressed.
1. i spent 3 months in high school without uttering a word to ANYBODY not even my bff.
2. in my coaching i was too afraid to go out during breaks in front of people who were acing there in coachings.
3. there have been times where i have spent days in my bed without even wanting to move but just surfing internet on my mobile.
4. i have slapped myself on my face and hit myself at multiple ocassions to the point where my face and jaws used to hurt,just to punish myself for not studying that day.
5. i have cried in lectures(while the teacher was teaching) because future and past overwhelmed me.(not headdown hiding cry but staight sitting looking at teacher cry)
6. i dont feel worthy, i think my mother deserves a better daughter.
7. i have contemplated suicide more than i would like to admit.am a chronic procrastinator and i cant just quit,i seek constant escape from realities via tv, mobile etc so so done with myself.now nobody cares about me i have no friends cause i am just to ashamed to talk to my friends,what will i tell them when the ask the school topper what she is doing nowadays?
and now whenever i try to study the same things for the 5th year i just cant focus..feel like a failure. i regret the fact that i should have studied in 11 and 12 grade.so that even i could go direct to college after completing high school.
i used to be a happy go lucky,talkative, confident and smart girl, now i am none of them.
am 3 years behind everybody else…AM HITTING THE BOTTOM ROCK…I CANT TAKE THIS SITUATION NO MORE.
THANK YOU FOR READING, i know it was a bit long.
please help me.October 7, 2015 at 8:35 am #84978
AnonymousGuestDear annie:
I think I understand your situation. Your mother being a single mother and investing in you becoming a medical doctor is part of your difficulty, the guilt feelings and growing belief that you are a bad daughter, disappointing her. Then there is the comparing yourself to other girls your age. There is the belief that you are more intelligent than them, the reason for your mother’s investment, but they are doing better. You are stuck in the same starting point again and again, studying for that exam while not pursuing other education or career options. You feel hate for yourself for wasting your time distracting yourself from the distress.
I can make a few points:
1. Intelligence is just one factor that may or may not contribute to a person’s success. There is emotional health, extremely important and a major factor in a person’s success. Then there is of course, a person’s definition of success. In your case, the definition is success= being a medical doctor.
2. Your relationship with your mother, her being a single mother is an important factor (to you) in that relationship. How much of your definition of success (see above) is her definition? How much of it is yours? Is it all about pleasing your mother? What is the nature of your relationship with her??? Write more if you will about this.
3. Comparing yourself to girls your age, a problem. If you want to compare yourself to other girls your age then compare yourself not only to those that make you look bad in your own mind, compare yourself to the many others that will make you look not so bad, in your own mind. There is the tendency of a person hard on herself to see only the people who are doing better or those you THINK are doing better and seeing yourself as the ONLY ONE …
4. Back to number 2 above.
* MY COMMENT TO ANYONE WHO IS READING THIS: FOR THE SECOND DAY I AM GETTING ONLY ONE THREAD ON MY SCREEN INSTEAD OF THE LIST OF THREAD I GOT BEFORE AND HAVING TRIED I CANNOT GET BACK THE LISTING OF THREADS. WHAT IS GOING ON? ANYONE WORKING ON IT???
anita
October 7, 2015 at 10:44 am #84984
PepperJillParticipantHi Annie,
I am sorry that you are going through a hard time. The first thing I want to do is address your #7 item where you expressed that sometimes you think of hurting yourself. I think that feeling is a common reaction to internal pain when you don’t see a clear path out of the pain and it is a feeling I have had in the past too when feeling bad. But a few years ago I heard a man speak who had survived a suicide attempt after jumping off a bridge that should have killed him. He said that when he jumped, he had the sudden realization that, “I suddenly realized that I could fix EVERYTHING that was wrong with my life except for the fact that I had just jumped off this bridge.” Wow. I think that says it all – we allow our fear and pain to make us feel hopeless, but everything is fixable as long as you are here to fix it.
It is difficult for many people to find their path when they become adults. Some people follow a path that is not right for them for decades because it is what their parents wanted or because they were following their peers or just pursuing what society deems to be the markers of success. Sometimes they explode in middle age because they cannot carry the burden of walking down someone else’s path. So maybe what is happening to you is a gift in disguise. You are facing these tough questions while you are young and while you have sooo much time ahead to figure out what you want to do and take the time to pursue it. How exciting for you! Maybe your path will not be the path that your mother chose for you – that is such a common human condition, though we always feel so bad about ourselves when we fear disappointing those we love. It just means that we feel love and do not want to disappoint people – that is not a bad thing unless it causes you to do things that make you unhappy or beat yourself up.
You mention that you are procrastinating a lot. You said you are feeling like staying in bed or just playing on your mobile phone all day. This happens when you are in a rut and having trouble getting out of it.
Can I ask you to do all of your friends on this site a favor today? I’d like to ask that you do something today to take care of yourself and to think kindly about yourself as you do it. It sounds like you’re stuck in a bit of a rut of inaction and beating yourself up. Shake up your routine a bit while practicing self-care. Take a walk or do some exercise and focus on your breathing and how your body feels. Eat a healthy meal and praise yourself for giving yourself the gift of vitality (or, if you prefer, get the gooiest chocolatey dessert you can find and celebrate indulging a little). Do something you’ll enjoy that doesn’t involve staying in your room or being on your phone – read a book you’ve wanted to read or watch a movie or give yourself a facial or mani/pedi. But whatever you do, treat yourself like you would a dear friend who is going through a hard time. Be gentle. Be compassionate. Be forgiving. Check Tiny Buddha for other articles on self-love and self-compassion. Give yourself a little time to put your worries aside and just take care of yourself each day, knowing that Annie deserves some TLC.
As you start to feel better, you may want to explore this site for other articles about how to practice gratitude (VERY helpful method for reorienting your emotional state when you’re feeling overwhelmed) and for how to find and follow your path.
I hope some of this is helpful. This is my first time responding on this site but when I saw your note I just felt it was very important for you to not feel alone. 🙂
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