Dear Chris:

Make Plan B: in case the answer by the US government is negative, not allowing your fiance re-entry, what will you do? Making a plan can help you feel less powerless.

Also, you are welcome to describe this massive void you are experiencing, here on this thread: put it in words, let that void express itself in words, here. As is.

anita

Dear Chris:

You express yourself very clearly. This is a good thing. Are you saying that Plan B (or C or D) cannot include you living with her in her country or in a country other than hers or the U.S?

Plan B includes not only arranging for the two of you to live together but must include how to deal with this new phenomenon in your life, this massive void as you expressed it here. How to manage this devastating experience until the two of you live together.

I will be waiting for your answer of my question.
anita

Dear Chris:

I can read in your post that you are a very rational person. You covered everything relevant to your problem in two short paragraphs. I am impressed by your rationality and clarity.

You are missing your fiance, that connection. You need it. As is, your life, as much sense as it makes, as clear as you are, you are ALONE with lots of obligations and have done very well, but you are alone and you are only human, needing that togetherness to CALM you.

Children that get traumatized severely have much greater chances to heal if they get that togetherness with a supportive adult, much more than children far less traumatized but have no supportive connection with another. As good and right and sensible as your life is, there are anxieties that require that comforting presence of another. Another person who is there to comfort you.

You support and comfort others but you need to be comforted too. It is only human. You can tranquilize yourself with medications (which you are against and so am I) and psychological counseling will not change that human need, that normal, natural, biological need that you have to be comforted by the woman you love.

See how strong your need is? To be comforted by another adult, to be taken care of that way? This is the child-in-you that naturally needs the comforting presence of an equal other (not of a dependent minor child or a dependent aging parent).

That dread of the weekends, the dread of being alone, unoccupied, with time to feel the fear-alone. You could deal with fear together with her. Alone and afraid is a terrible combination.

While you are waiting for the legal stuff- and waiting does seem reasonable- it seems to me that it could help you to be together, on weekends, with another adult or other adults who are not dependent on you, so you are not afraid and alone. Certain support groups can do? A group of some kind where you can feel connection. Not to fix a psychological problem, only to be TOGETHER. I see no other way to experience patience and peace while you are waiting.

You can also write here again and again. I will read and respond, if this is somewhat helpful, not in fixing you (you need no fixing) but only so to provide you with understanding and some emotional support…. until you find the physical presence of an appropriate group of non-dependent-on you people where you can be yourself, where you can be vulnerable (something you can’t really be taking care of those you take care of).

anita

Dear Chris:

You amaze me: you did think of everything, including support groups. You thought very well about your situation from every angle- your insight is impressive to me. I suppose you have been running around on empty for a long time, taking care of others, caring for others while you need to be taken care of as well. You need to be fueled once in a while yourself. The telephone calls with your fiance are not enough. You need her physical presence. It is understandable.

The Rabbit story, thank you for sharing it here. The Skin Horse said being real doesn’t happen to people who break easily. I would like to add: even people who do not break easily do break. It may take more, but everyone is breakable. Also the Skin Horse said that when you are real you don’t mind being hurt. I disagree: I think any person, like any animal, minds getting hurt. Hurt is real and we all mind it.

You have a good, loving connection with your fiance. I have an idea. I tried it in another context and it works but you have to give it a … real try. When you are anxious and depressed, when you feel that massive void coming, enveloping you next time, imagine your fiance image. See her in your mind’s eye (or look at a photo).

You do carry her image in your mind. She is a person outside of you, of course (stay with me, if you will), but she is also part of your psyche. She is living in your brain. So, next time, bring that image to life. Talk to her and let her talk to you.

You probably did something like that, I am almost sure you did, but I am suggesting taking it a step further. I don’t mean imagining her, i mean bringing a REAL part of YOUR psyche to your attention. When you are afraid and need her presence, she is already with you, her image in your mind, that part of your psyche.

Experiment…?

anita

Dear Chris:

Yes, I am not likely to provide an answer to you but I will keep trying … because it is my nature. Here is a Buddhist like answer: you wait with peace and patience once you stop waiting, once you stop wanting her with you.

What? Crazy, isn’t it? Stop wanting her with you. Love her still, of course, do anything and everything that needs to be done to get her to live with you, but stop wanting it so much.

Hush that fire, that desire to have her with you. Stop wanting so much

(a line from the movie, Proof of Life, I believe it is, with Russel Crowe who frantically looks for his kidnapped wife, but his efforts being frantic do not bring results. Someone tells him in the movie: You want it too much).

Like I wrote, I keep trying and will keep trying until you stop me.

Here for you, write more any time. Good night for now.
anita

Dear Chris:

You are welcome. It has been refreshing to read your posts, a solid, effective rational thinking, insight, wide perspective, experimenting with solutions: very refreshing. Any post or thread you enter here on this website will be appreciated by me!

All best to you!
anita